I Left the Church to Come Closer to God

*The article was originally posted on Medium.

I grew up Catholic

My entire life revolved around family, school, and church. I attended a Catholic school from kindergarten till the end of junior high.

As you can tell, my faith was at the center of my family values. My community consisted of people with similar beliefs. It wasn't until I graduated and moved on to high school that I started exploring different forms of religious practices.

My junior year of high school is where it all changed.

That year I challenged myself to focus on how other people participated during mass. Some people had fallen asleep in the pews, some were on their phones, and others were paying full attention to the sermon. During mass, we're supposed to give our full attention to the word of God, but I was unable to focus.

I began to notice how the majority of the mass was repetitive. We would sing, recite prayers, receive the body of Christ, stand up, kneel, and this cycle repeated itself every time. The only thing that changed was the priest's outer robe, the stories from the Bible, and the personal story the priest gave.

For most of my life, I'd been listening to the same teachings and prayers over and over again. My family would remind us to give thanks, ask for forgiveness, and ask God to watch over us. My connection to God was extremely one-sided.

In my life, I had always asked of God. I have prayed to Him since I was a young girl. I thanked Him for everything, even for things He played no part in, and blamed Him for when tragedies occurred.

I concluded that I had spent most of my life mindlessly worshiping instead of actively participating in my faith. After realizing this, I was determined to strengthen my relationship with my faith. To expand my knowledge of religious practices, I started watching videos of how worship occurred in other religions.

Buddhist teachings were the ones I resonated with the most

The more I dove into Buddhist teachings, the more connected I felt with God. During my studies, I challenged myself to view my faith from a different perspective.

I had wondered what it was like to be God. I had wondered how many times I had asked for forgiveness and guidance. Instead of expressing my love and gratitude, I selfishly prayed with the intent of receiving.

I asked myself questions like, -

Is church the only way to connect with God?

Where is God in my daily life?

How does my faith teach me to love myself and others?

How do I appreciate myself and the gifts I have received?

I had gone to church every Wednesday and Sunday for nine years, and what did I learn?

What have I learned from the teachings of the Bible, and do I understand them?

In my quest, I broke down, questioned, and doubted the existence of God. It took me four years to fully understand the purpose of religious faith.

Buddhist teachings emphasize the state of everlasting and unconditional happiness through enlightenment. It teaches its followers about values within our impermanent world. I studied the teachings of cause and effect and participated in mindful meditation.

These teachings allowed me to understand myself and the world around me. Through Buddhist practices, I realized that I had feared God. I had followed the rules, obeyed the word of God, and did well by Him because I wanted to go to Heaven.

As I worshiped and gave thanks and praise; I failed to practice the values of my faith outside of the church. All those years I spent reading the Bible, I never understood its teachings.

Buddhist teachings helped me reconnect and understand my emotions, thoughts, and behaviors. I overcame my fears by pushing myself to go beyond comfort. Instead of living in the past and worrying about the future, I decided to live in the present moment.

"Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That is why it is called the present." - Master Uguay, Kung Fu Panda

The beauty of impermanence is understanding that nothing will last forever. The world is constantly evolving, and we only have a limited amount of time to express our appreciation. When I first set out to reconnect with my faith, I wanted to understand and reconnect with Catholic teachings.

Instead, I recognized the interconnection of all religious teachings. I attained a greater understanding of self-actualization, awareness, and fulfillment. At first, I felt shame for questioning my faith.

When I look back, I'm glad I questioned my beliefs

In life, it's easy to do as you're told, and follow others. What isn't easy, is breaking away from that cycle of accepting truths as they appear before you. My spiritual journey is still evolving today. I can honestly say that I pray, reflect, and connect with my faith more than when I constantly attended church.

I wrote this for you.

If you are a person of faith and struggling to understand yourself and your environment - know that it's okay to feel lost. My spiritual journey has hit many bumps in the road. The only way to overcome them is to keep moving forward. Finding the answer isn't always easy. To achieve enlightenment, we have to be willing to confront our fears, and question all that we know to be true.