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Emotionally Unstable

The importance of emotional awareness, interpretation, and control.

By Jasmine Published 2 years ago 6 min read
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Emotionally Unstable
Photo by Markus Spiske on Unsplash

*This article was originally posted on Medium.

Anger, Resentment, Rage, Frustration, Discomfort, Irritation

There is a darkness that lives within me. Over time it's accumulated and disrupted my life in many ways. Rage and anger have blinded me, made me feel powerless, and held me, prisoner.

I'm going to share a piece of this anger with you. I want you to feel what I feel - rage. The emotion that I recall is from the past and present. It is from the stains of experiences that have never left my memory.

Here are my feelings of anger towards someone I love:

I hate that you always relied on me to be perfect.

It makes me angry that you expect others to do everything for you. I'll never forgive you for manipulating me and making me feel like that bad guy.

I hate that when I'm with you, I can never put myself or my needs first. I hate that I can't be my true self whenever I'm with you. It upsets me that I feel guilty every time I go against you.

You can be so ignorant at times. It angers me that you never follow your teachings. You constantly contradict everything that you say. What I hate the most is that you are the worst example.

I have always hated the way you close everybody off. It upsets me that you can never take the initiative to do anything.

I hate how it's so hard to have a mature conversation with you. I hate how we've never had a close relationship. What angers me the most is how I can't fully trust you. I hate the fact I can't tell you everything.

Why did you push me to become better when you never bothered to change?

I hate how everything is too hard for you. It upsets me that everything is always the same with you. Nothing ever changes with you. I hate how inconsiderate you are. I hate how you can never communicate your feelings. I hate how you overreact to the stupidest things.

I hate the way you fight those who try to help you. I hate the fact that you pretend to be strong. I hate how I used to cry over you. I hate how I'm always afraid to tell you the truth. I hate you for all the things that happened in the past.

Above all, I hate how you make me feel.

By Peter John Maridable on Unsplash

I have never written these feelings into existence before.

I decided to share this with you because it was difficult for me. I challenged myself to share this because I want to make you understand. I want you to feel and walk through those feelings of anger you hold inside.

For years, I wasn't aware of the anger within me. Like most people, I buried it and never dealt with it. Over time the anger I held inside made me sick. It negatively impacted the way I viewed myself and others. My anger had a profound effect on how I created and maintained relationships.

It wasn't until I adopted a new perspective and way of thinking did, I muster the courage to work through it.

Anger is blinding; it can only make you see red.

The first time someone intentionally tested my anger, I felt as if my skin was on fire. There was a time my boyfriend and I were arguing. We argued, and instead of calmly talking it out, I stormed out of the room.

I slammed the door behind me and sat on the couch. At that moment, I didn't want anything to do with him. When I did this, he followed me and hugged me.

The fact that he refused to leave me alone drove me insane. The closer he got to me, the more I pushed him away. It made me angry that he wanted to touch and hold me.

All he was trying to do was work it out, and in my rage, I couldn't stop pushing him away.

Eventually, he sat on me to calm me down. In my fury, I hit, kicked, and screamed. I tried doing everything I could to remove myself from that uncomfortable situation. My anger-fueled tantrum lasted for longer than an hour.

At some point, I became so tired of fighting that I just decided to lay there. That entire time I fought; my boyfriend was silent. He just held me and waited for me to calm down.

I soon realized that all of my fighting and screaming was for nothing. I allowed my anger to overwhelm me. At that moment, I wasn't worried about physically hurting him or his feelings. I couldn't see that he was trying to help me and work things out.

By Ryoji Iwata on Unsplash

This was the first time I acknowledged the consequences of anger.

There are days when I look back on that memory and wish I could take it all back. Knowing that I willingly hurt the one person I care about brings me guilt and regret.

After that realization, my boyfriend explained and promised to help me understand and work through my anger. This journey hasn't been easy, and I have made countless mistakes.

It took me a year to understand that anger is the punishment we give to ourselves. The anger that accumulates within you is similar to a sickness.

Anger has the power to consume the goodness around you and within you. The solution to this is forgiveness. We need to forgive not because someone is deserving but because you deserve to have peace within you.

The key to controlling your anger is changing your perception and your reaction.

I have a personal rule: anger cannot last more than one hour.

If I let something make me angry for more than an hour, I'm not only wasting time, but I am exhausting myself. Instead of maintaining that anger, you can try solving the problem. No matter what triggers you, there is always a solution.

There are two choices; to fuel the fire or put it out.

Maintaining a constant state of anger exhausts the beholder. This principle justifies why it's better to resolve the issue sooner rather than later. The longer you carry those feelings of anger, the longer you will stay miserable.

Some of you might be thinking, well, it's easier said than done, but no one said this journey was easy.

Overcoming anger is a daily challenge.

The battle for control is never-ending. Each day when you wake up in the morning, you have to decide whether or not you're going to allow your emotions to get the best of you.

Mastering emotions is going to require constant and consistent awareness.

Now it's your turn:

Think of a time when someone you loved made you angry.

Did you understand why or how it happened?

Did you ever heal from that experience?

Conclusion

I spent the last two months working on a small project to help people like me. I wrote this for those who've fallen victim to emotional outbursts that have damaged relationships with themselves and others.

I shared the first chapter with you because I believe it's the most valuable lesson, I've come across so far. If you enjoyed this reading, download the entire version here. I hope this helps you understand that you're not alone in the emotional struggle.

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About the Creator

Jasmine

Mindful perspectives, strategies, and solutions.

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