I Have a Secret…

If at the beginning of a relationship we feel the need, to tell the truth as proof of sincerity and openness to our partner, with time, things change. Is it okay or not to have secrets?

Is it okay or not to have secrets?

It is important that when we enter into a relationship this happens because all these small revelations mean intense intimacy, knowing each other, and… fascination.

Transparency is proof of love, and that's why many believe that in their intimate space they can share anything. People are afraid of loneliness and feel the need to express their thoughts and feelings, even if they are sometimes negative and that is why they tell their secrets.

They believe that this will nullify their sense of loneliness but guilt, and they believe that they are doing it out of sincerity towards the other.

Many people believe that when you love, you should have no secrets. Yes, it is good to let go of the mask we wear in society and to be as natural as possible, to share our desires, pleasures, anxieties, etc., but sometimes it is good to keep certain aspects for ourselves to do not upset the other or offend, create tension in vain. Everything is part of the relationship, a healthy and normal relationship.

When is it okay to say?

Psychologists say that we can repress our negative thoughts, traumatic experiences, etc., so to pass them through the filter of the unconscious in the "shadow". Just as we can direct our thoughts into the shadows, so we can learn to keep secrets.

Before telling a loved one a secret, we need to go through our filter. We need to think about what effect it might have on our relationship. There is no point in sharing secrets that will not affect us in the long run or immediately, but that can cause discomfort.

Before you prepare to tell him a secret, answer the following questions for yourself: If I tell him, will I risk harming the couple? If I tell him, will I get rid of the burden? If I tell them, does it mean I'm selfish / or even sadistic? Would she/he prefer not to know what I want to tell her? If the answer to these questions is "YES", then you should refrain from confessing.

Secrets can have a major impact on a relationship, so you need to choose how they are shared. There are secrets that, when told, not only do not comfort the one who confesses but also burden the other with a weight that few know how to handle.

In these cases, it would be advisable for the person who has a secret to resort to therapy. Here we refer to people who are victims of abuse, rape, etc. Through therapy, these secrets are digested, assimilated, reconstituted, and their sharing with their partner can turn into a proof of trust, intimacy that binds the two, and not a toxic burden.

We must always remember that in a healthy relationship, where empathy, mutual trust, and communication are good, there is no point in secrets. When they are secret, we must remember that every human being is wrong and that we must be forgiving and understand the other.

The secret of the extramarital affair

When we are faced with an extramarital affair and without emotional involvement that could threaten the couple, it is not appropriate to reveal the secret.

Confessing an adventure with no future can ruin the couple, but keeping the secret can bring benefits. How? When a person has an extramarital affair, he can realize what a special relationship he has at home and how much it means to him. But we must also pay attention to the reason for the adventure. I remember a friend telling me the same thing: he had been in a relationship for 3 years with his partner, but he happened to cheat on her.

He explained that he was unhappy with certain things, and that every time he did, he realized what he had at home and that he deserved to continue fighting for her.

The fact that he slept with others did not mean that he loved her less. Many of us would not agree with such behavior because it is a violation of trust, fidelity, and loyalty, but for them, it worked.

Innocent secrets

Another friend of mine said that having a secret from her partner for her means being in a kind of complicity with her. Not often did she leave her parents earlier to see me or another friend of ours and she didn't tell her partner.

At other times, when he escaped from the office earlier, he ran through the shops to see what else he could buy when he got his salary. They are not fatal secrets, but they are innocent, but they make her feel better, to feel like she has a special relationship with her. Of course, he never thinks about going further and doing serious things that could affect their relationship.

In other words, secrets are good, but they can be very bad. It is important to have respect for ourselves, for our partner and then we will know the limit of our secrets.