i hate you.

For my whole life I have never been able to ever say I hated someone, but you... I hate you. I hated the way your hands clasped around mine, making me believe you wanted to hold my hand. I hated the way you kissed my lips, pretending you have been dying to do that all day. I hated you for saying the words "I love you", countless of times, making me believe you actually did. I hated the way you would yell at me for not listening, when you were too busy to realize you were killing me. I hated the way you would blame me for everything, when all the problems that arose were caused by you. I hated the way you screamed in my face and made me feel like you were going to hurt me. I hated the way you would roll your eyes whenever I told you about my day. I hated that you never listened. I hated that you came and go, telling me how sorry you were. I hated how you made so many promises, only to be broken a few weeks later. I hated how you befriended by abusive stepfather, not caring how that made me feel. I hated how you gave me a promise ring and promised to never be an asshole to me, only to call me names the next day.

I hated you for making me feel like you were a breath of fresh air when we first met. For so long, I had been drowning. I had been drowning in the open seas with no help but myself, I was fighting for the surface when you clasped my hand and gave me what I thought was a breath of fresh air. However, that air was tainted with poison. You were making me suffocate with your lies and deceptions on what you called love. I hated how I would have to explain every bruise I had was from. I hated how I would go to bed wondering if you would wake up different and finally love me. It was never love, was it? I hate you for making me fall in love with you.

You may be wondering, how can anyone love someone who acts like that? I did; one stupid girl. For so long, I had put up with everything, always went to bed hoping and praying things will be different, But they never would be, would they? You never changed like you had always promised you would. You never wanted to change, you only wanted me to believe you would. You won't ever change will you?

There became a point where it felt like you had become the person drowning me, pushing my head under the water. Every now and then, you tortured me by allowing me to gather a breath of fresh air, but snatched it away just as you gave it. I had to go... I hated you. But I love you.

How can someone who is small compared to the world, make someone believe you are the entire world? How can someone manipulate someone you say you love? Why does everything revolve around you? I feel like I am living my life in spite of you.... when in reality, I am dying. I say I am fine, I even make myself believe it. But, on the days where it is hard, I often wonder if I am manipulating myself into believing happiness is real. I often wonder if things will even get better? Will I?

How am I able to hate someone so much but miss and love them like they were the world to me? I HATE YOU!!!! I LOVE YOU!! Why do I always keep thinking there is even remotely a chance of you ever changing? It will never happen... will it?