I Found My Soul Mate

Introduction

We met in an online group; a chat room. He was one of many whose words scrolled upward on my screen and disappeared quickly. There were dozens of other lonely souls here all looking for friendship. Or, maybe they were looking for something more. To be completely honest, I wasn’t sure why I was even there except that I desperately needed a social life of some kind and in that current situation this was the best I could do.

How It Began

The previous two years of my life were a mess. My husband of 12 years had left us; me and our seven-year-old son. I was devastated. We had married with such hope for the future. We were so truly excited when five years later we were expecting and our son was born. And then it seemed like overnight things were no longer great. Even with both of us working we were having some difficulty making ends meet but still we pushed through. I was in it for the long haul. “It was just a rough patch. We can get through this,” I kept telling myself but his inner voice must have been telling him something else. I cried but the tears didn’t help. Even counselling wasn’t the answer. In the end he told me that he needed some space and then on one Sunday in February, when I took our son to church he left our home. He took very little with the exception of his personal stuff – clothes, toiletries, his important “stuff – but the one most significant thing he took was our computer.

Though I was sad that our son would not have a computer in the house, I was actually glad it was gone. In my mind it had been the very thing that had spurned a lot of the anguish between us. He was an instructor in a technical college and seemed to have constant work that required use of the computer. When he had down time, he was on the computer with seemingly endless amounts of games and aircraft simulation programs. When our son wanted his dad’s attention, he was on the computer doing who knows what. Looking back now this may have been an exaggerated assessment but at the time it seemed accurate and so the computer being gone didn’t bother me. Besides, he had promised that he would replace it just as soon as he could piece one together (he was a computer tech with access to spare parts so I didn’t have a reason to doubt him).

As promised he did replace the computer that he had built and it was adequate and was there for our son but I had a hate on for it and only went near it when I needed to. Most often it sat quietly in its corner of the room while we went through our daily lives. Life without my husband hardly seem different than with him. The daily routine had not changed, I was still responsible for getting our son up and to school, I still drove him to his karate classes through the week and on Saturdays. My life was really full with very little or no time to socialize with anyone and my only company was a seven year-old boy who played Mario Bros. and liked the internet. I spent hours in self-blaming and wondering about all the “what ifs” and “I should haves” but nothing was getting me anywhere and as time grew I knew that I need to find myself some adult company for my own sanity.

One night, two years after my husband left, I put my son to bed as was our usual ritual. I let him settle in and fall asleep waiting for the quiet evening to which I had become accustomed to take hold. When it had settled, I turned on the computer and connected the modem to the internet. I double-clicked on the mIRC icon on the desktop. MIRC stood for multi-user Internet Relay Chat and it really was a multi-user platform where people could meet other people all from in front of their own computers. I had made the leap and I was going to try and find some sort of social life. I picked a quippy handle – Luv-n-Laughter is what I would call this online persona I was creating – and I began search out some interesting “rooms” with titles indicating the topics they held within them. Lonely Hearts. Seeking Friendship. Single Moms and Dads… The rooms were endless. I joined a few and found some silly banter, here and there. People were personable, shared photos and had discussions into the wee hours. Some rooms planned in person get-togethers… in Vegas, or at Disneyland, places like that. I could never go to an event like that so while the day-to-day interaction were nice and welcomed I wasn’t sure that I had found my niche yet, and then I was directed to a local group that offered a socializing network to people who found themselves in need of personal contact that fit the bill.

The room I chose was set up for women who were, or perceived they were, overweight and for anyone else that was supportive of them. It was a great mix of local people, some of whom I knew but most were complete strangers. Conversations flowed easily amongst us and it really became a tight-knit group.We even started to organize out-of-chatroom get-togethers at local bars for the occasional night out for drinks or to enjoy an evening of karaoke. Because we were a local group, it was very hard to deceive someone by using an anonymous photo unless they never had the intention of meeting the people you were hanging out with online, so for the most part, we already had a pretty good idea who was who by the time we actually met in person at one of these get-togethers.

This group was dedicated and there was a conversation or two going on daily, sometimes during the day but mostly in the evening; sometimes in the big main chat room or we’d break out into private rooms that would launch themselves at either the top of the screen or the bottom and were affectionately known as the basement or the attic. Private rooms had a few functions. We could log complaints with the administrators of the room if someone was breaking rules or harassing us, we could get together with a few others to discuss some of the people we had encountered, usually men, or we could break out of the main room with a guy or gal to get to know them better. Most of my experiences were of the last type. People would get drawn to my Luv-n-Laughter moniker and they would invite me away, to which I almost always accepted. The customary first request was to clarify age and gender followed closely by a request for a photo. If they didn’t like the photo or if you refused to provide it, that was often the end of the conversation. Personally, I never tried to judge using a photo alone; but, if the conversation immediately took an overly personal or sexual tone, that was where we parted ways. I had no desire to meet or talk with a guy who was only interested in that one thing. I just wanted human interactions to start with, nothing more. Then one night in May of 2001 I met James.

James was different. He used the handle Opus62 and he was a very nice guy. He was polite, he was easy to talk to and best of all, he never, ever asked a single intimate question. I wanted to get to know this guy better. He spoke of his hobbies and interests. He loved computers and technology; he was a party DJ on evenings and weekends and an he loved aircraft. What? These revelations made me sit up and take notice. He sounded like my “ex”-husband, completely, right down to being a DJ. Was I conversing with my ex? He had left me and our son. I was sure that he was out there somewhere looking for some companionship but could he really be here, in my safe haven, in the social life that I so desperately needed? I immediately wanted to know what this man looked like so I asked him to provide me with a photo. He was very accommodating and sent one which I immediately downloaded and opened. I breathed a sigh of relief. He wasn’t my ex. He was someone new, he was nice and polite, a real gentleman. I wasn’t going to let this opportunity pass.

We met online almost nightly, usually after our kids were in bed for the night. He was raising a daughter with special needs, and I of course was raising a son who was now nine. I learned about him and his job as a small engine mechanic; he and I shared the same ethnic background; I learned his taste in music. He learned the same things about me. Conversation was easy between us and I looked forward to our talks every night. We eventually moved from the online platform to the telephone and would talk about anything and everything, often well into the night. Some days getting up for work the next day was very hard. About two months into our relationship we decided to meet in person. We met one evening at a local fast food restaurant; he brought his little girl. We talked and laughed easily as we had online and one the phone. We ended the evening with an intoxicating kiss that left me wanting and hoping for more. From that day on we began dating and spending time together, getting to know one another on a personal and eventually a more intimate level. Things looked very bright. At that point I would not necessarily say that this was my soul mate but that point came much sooner than either of us expected.

In August of that year I had a nagging medical issue that I was seeking help for. Upon resolving that my physician and I decided that a further procedure was required. Within the following week her office contacted me with the procedure date scheduled for early October. It was a minor day-surgery procedure with no serious implications and a minor day or two recovery period. The day came and I went to the hospital, was admitted and whisked away for the procedure that was being done under a general anesthesia and what happened next changed my entire life.

The Devastating News

I awoke from the procedure in a recovery room. A nurse was holding my right hand and the physician was holding my left. The physician spoke in an emotionless voice, very matter-of-factly. “We did not complete the procedure. We discovered cancer on your ovary and have taken a biopsy to send to pathology.”

My head was spinning! How could I have cancer? What kind of a future did I have? I had a child who needed a mother; what would happen to him. “What?” I questioned. “How can I have cancer? Oh my God! I don’t want to die!”

The tears flowed uncontrollable and the grips on my hands became comforting strokes. Again the physician spoke. “We don’t know anything more at this point and have to wait for the biopsy results. My office will be in touch as soon as you are set up with oncology.” I was numb for the rest of that day and well into the weeks ahead. I had so many people I had to notify – parents, siblings, my husband, my son – then of course my job and co-workers who would need to know, not to mention my friends. I worked to build my support network because I was going to need one. I received word from my physician’s office that I had an appointment with oncology the next week. I reached out to a couple of nurse friends to help get a better understanding of the situation and I am not sure if that helped or didn’t, but when the day arrived for the oncology appointment one of those friends accompanied me to the appointment to be the support I needed. She helped me to understand what I was being told and she asked the many questions that I had no idea were actually questions. The cancer had been caught early, stage 1A and had a very high survival rate, but I would need major surgery to remove the cancerous tissue and then there would be chemotherapy. Aggressive treatment but effective, I was told. They had a date already scheduled for my surgery; the soonest available date still almost 2 months away but if there was a way it would be prioritized and hopefully happen sooner.

Good news arrived a few days later. There had been a surgery cancellation and my surgery was being move up. I had only 2 weeks to get things figured out. Care for my son was easy. His dad and grandmother were right there in complete support. He would stay with his dad through my surgery and recovery and his grandmother would make sure that he would get to school and looked after when his dad was at his job. My job graciously agreed to provide me with a salary through all of this and it was not lost on me that they didn’t have to do so. So many of my friends offered to help in whatever way they could. But what of James, you may want to ask.

A Little Coaxing

Almost as soon as I received my definitive diagnosis I started pulling away from James. I really wanted to just disappear into the sunset and deal with this all on my own. I still barely knew him and even though we had a lot of fun when we were together I didn’t want to burden him with something that he didn’t have to be burdened with. He was raising a young daughter on his own and at this point I had no idea what my future held except this surgery and follow-up chemotherapy. A good friend and close confidante had been witness to my blooming relationship with James and she often heard me gush about what a wonderful person he was and how much I liked him. One day she asked me how he had taken the news.

“I haven’t told him anything about it,” is all I answered.

She looked at me and a stern parent-like face took over. “You haven’t told him anything about it? Why not?”

“Why do you think?” I questioned her in return and then continued. “I barely know him. He has enough on his plate as it is and he certainly doesn’t need me and my issues to add to it. Besides I wouldn’t want him to feel any obligation to have to take care of me or worse, run.”

She looked at me and the tears that were rolling down my cheeks by this time and then she took my hands. “Sweetie, you need to tell him. You have been going on and on for the last few months about what a wonderful man he is and how much you like him. He needs to know what is going on and you need to let him decide what is right for him. You can’t make that choice for him and by not telling him you are choosing.”

“I can’t do that to him!” My tears were as big as my sobs. “He shouldn’t have to deal with this. I barely know him.”

“Sweetie, please let him make the choice. The worst case is that he will run away, but then that speaks to his total character and what he thinks about you and this relationship.” We sat there discussing the pros and cons back and forth for what seemed to be an hour or longer, but in the end she finally convinced me that I had to tell him. My only concession was that I would not be able to do it in person and she assured me that it was all right to call him, but no matter how I did it I owed to to myself and to him to share this news.

With my friend sitting in the same room for moral support, I worked up the courage that same afternoon to call James. It was a Sunday afternoon and he was at home and not working. The phone rang in my ear and I heard him pick up the call. With call-waiting he already knew it was me so his “hello” was bright and cheery as it usually was. “So, what’s up?”

The Revelation

I instantly got a lump in my throat and my voice quivered. “Oh not much and lots.” I tried to force a laugh but it really did sound forced. I actually have something to tell you and I really don’t want to but you deserve to know. “

I could hear the pause and the wonder in his voice as he quietly asked. “What is it? What’s wrong?”

My voice cracked and in full cry I blurted into the phone. “I have cancer. I’m scheduled for surgery in two weeks. I know this is a lot and I don’t blame you if you want to run and end this relationship we are developing. “ The silence on the phone was deafening and I braced myself for the click of the phone being hung up. I knew this was the end and it really, truly broke my heart.

The silence seemed to stretch on indefinitely but then in the next moment I realized that James was no ordinary man, that this was an angel on earth. Despite the fact that we barely knew each other, his next words filled my heart with so much hope I was bursting, “OK, so what do we do next?” He used the word “we” he was going to be here for me to help me cope and get through this ordeal. I almost let the most wonderful man on the face of the earth go! Thank goodness a friendly voice of reason convinced me otherwise. A new, strong and long lasting relationship was born in that minute, with the simple question, “What do we do next?” I knew James was a keeper and I never looked back.

Surgery day came and was very successful. The first person to visit me out of recovery was James. When I was discharged from the hospital and recuperating at my sister’s house we talked daily and he visited often. He continued the same when I finally went back to my own house and my mother was there to care for me. I wasn’t allowed to drive so he would bring groceries and he would drive me to appointments when he could. He arranged days off from his job so that he could be with me when I had to spend the day getting chemotherapy. He sat in the corner of the room and watched me sleep all those hours as the medicine was pumped into my veins. He made sure I kept up with a high carb diet to help curb the nausea and the morning that I woke up to my hair falling out in clumps, it was James who gently brushed and pulled it out for me as I sat and cried. He then took a razor and shaved my head bald. Never once through all this though did he ever neglect the hugs and the kisses and the complete and total acceptance of my situation.

Here's Where We Are

Fast forward almost 20 years and we are still together. A year after I was completely past chemotherapy we decided to blend our families and move two provinces away from everyone we knew and loved and start a new life as one family. The kids both accepted this situation and we raised the two of them into the adults they are today. We have been married for 14 years now and while there were tough times with bumps and challenges along the way, the one thing that I am sure of is that the day I had to tell a man whom I barely knew that I had cancer was the day that my soul mate was revealed to me. I always feel loved and cherished and hope that he feels the same from me. There is no one else in the world that I would rather grow old with. I found my heart and my soul. I am complete.