I don't know anymore

Once again, we must hide in our homes and stay in hiding while waiting for the killer bacteria to make its way. I cannot say that I am tempted to be constantly with the members of my family, however I am starting to know their habits and they can start to hit me on the system ... My boyfriend ... I tolerate it enough well in normal times, but it took a rhythm of life which goes against what would make me want. While he remains seated, I would like to move, explore and have new experiences. Like what, despite our 17 years of life together, even when we have the impression of living together, we do not live anything in the same way. Especially our vision of life, on the same subjects, same realities, is not forged in the same direction.

Does this mean that we are no longer compatible? I'm not sure what to think of it. In the mornings I think he is no longer the chosen one, while in a new breath during the day I find myself thinking that life would not be good without him. So difficult to live on a daily basis with our feelings, our emotions, our dreams and our respective experiences. But even more at the moment because we have to face even more hours per week! Are you experiencing this strange feeling too?

If you've had the chance to read my previous articles, you know we had a mega family project. Because of the current pandemic and also a little (a lot) through Donald Trump's fault and his many doubtful choices for the future of each and everyone, we had to give it up. My boyfriend being self-employed, the savings we had accumulated went up in smoke, so to speak. Everything has to be done again. This is where I wonder, is this a sign? Does life send me a second chance to give my life a new trajectory? Are we supposed to take the bull by the horns and reprogram everything in our lives?

Some, not believing in chance, will tell me that it is a safe bet that there is a reason why our project, prepared for 2 years, failed in a few days. Why, this microscopic enemy was right in all our future projects and here I am talking about all of us! If I had had to get married in the summer of 2020, it is almost certain that I would have taken it for a sign and I would not have come to the end of this idea. Fuck marriage, there is something else! But the cancellation of this project had more the effect of a human loss ... I live since the day when we were forced to admit to our 3 children that our dream will not take place, since that day, I live in indisputable mourning. I can no longer give meaning to my life, my existence, my dreams or even my daily life.

Do you live it that way?

This waking nightmare, will it end up?

My thought comes up against all kinds of questions which no longer have an answer. I have images, ideas, which no longer manage to materialize.

I would like to be one of those who cry out in the canular and on the other side of the coin I thirst to be the sheep that follows all the indications so that this nightmare finally ends and we can return to life in the past, secretly hoping that this life lesson will bring us closer to the true values of humanity.

Do you believe that collective awareness is still possible?

Do you think that we are able to be less stupid and more aware of the future?