I'd rather be miserable than numb; I don't want contentment I know nothing

"I'd rather be in pain than I'd rather be numb. I don't want I know nothing, and then I'm content."

The remarks made by Shaanxi woman Liu Xiaoxiang 20 years ago are still shocking to this day.

People like Liu Xiaoxiang can easily be blamed for being an outlier, especially in the countryside 20 years ago.

At that time, she was trapped in life, suffering and confused. She wanted to change, but could not find an exit, and her heart was full of entanglement and helplessness.

In an interview with Zhang Yue, the host of CCTV's "Half the Sky" column, Liu Xiaoxiang looked like an unassuming middle-aged rural woman, but in fact, she struggled to hide her extravagant thoughts in a normal life.

Is there no other way in life than sticking to the rules? She was confused and unwilling.

She knew that Qin Chuan could not tolerate the pain, so she wrote to the "Half the Sky" column because the purpose of this program is to listen to women's expressions. But she did not write to beg for mercy and attention, but to express her feelings that she would not normally dare to share.

In her letter, she described the place where she lived: "In summer, there are endless golden wheat waves, and in autumn, there are cornfields like green gauze tents." But she said that she didn't like it here, "because it's too peaceful."

She described her rural life like this: "If you have money, you can build a house, but you can't buy books; you can play cards and chat, but you can't go to Xi'an; you can't communicate, you can't be too public, you can't be too personal, you can't be too good, you can't Too bad. There are established rules, and when you try to break them, you feel helpless, hopeless, and lonely, as if a lot of eyes are on you, and you don’t need anyone to stop you, you voluntarily abide by those rules.”

Liu Xiaoxiang's letter shocked the people in the program team. At that time, the gap between urban and rural areas was not only in the living environment, lifestyle and economic level, but also in the occlusion and estrangement of the soul. Liu Xiaoshang's letter shows us the sparkling soul of a rural woman outside the mindset.

Her letter was like a magnet, attracting the attention of the show crew.

Liu Xiaoshan was reluctant to be interviewed. She yearned for the outside world, but she was afraid to communicate face-to-face with people outside, and she was also afraid of being on TV and being seen by the villagers. It was her husband Wang Shusheng who made the decision, and that's why the show team came in.

The interview did not go well. As long as the camera is set up, Liu Xiaoxiang can't open his heart. She is not a pushy person. Facing the camera, she is restrained and subconsciously tightens herself.

It took several days and tried several times but couldn't get any results. Zhang Yue was helpless and decided to give up.

Unexpectedly, the most exciting part came. In order not to make the scene too embarrassing, Zhang Yue did not leave immediately after the shooting, but continued to chat with Liu Xiaosang. Fortunately, the cameraman, who was also unwilling, didn't turn off the microphone. He heard the interesting part and hid in a corner where Liu Xiaosang could not see it and secretly filmed. In this way, it was an accidental achievement of a show that was not exquisite but very popular.

That episode was named "My Name is Liu Xiaoxian". The show aired in March 2002 and was filmed in the winter of the previous year.

In the picture at the beginning of the show, the cold and bleak yellow earth, coupled with some gloomy sky, and a heavy stone mill with a sense of time, make everything seem stagnant as if it has never changed. Even if Liu Xiaoxiang turned the rolling pin skillfully, he could not break the silence.

The only thing that stands out is Liu Xiaoxiang's red clothes. She wore a red coat for interviews and rolled noodles in a red cotton-padded jacket. She didn't dress up for the show. Many of her clothes were bright red.

Red cheeks, red clothes, is actually very rustic. Liu Xiaoxian was in stark contrast to Zhang Yue, who was talking in a plain blue coat.

Zhang Yue tentatively talked about the topic of red clothes.

Liu Xiaojian said that urban people think rural people's clothes are tacky, mainly because they are glamorous, but why should they be glamorous? Because the countryside is originally soil, and people in rural areas who deal with soil and wear clothes with a color similar to the soil will lack a sense of existence.

Immediately afterwards, she added a memorable sentence: "I always feel that I have to put something on the clothes, and the clothes have a kind of idea of ​​mine, I want to live a little more wonderfully, so I want it to be colorful. ."

Liu Xiaoxiang's home is in a village near Xianyang, Shaanxi. There is a railway at one end and a highway at the other. Both roads lead directly to Xi'an. The fare from her home to Xi'an is only 9 yuan.

However, what Liu Xiaoxian wanted was not easy to achieve just because it was close to the big city Xi'an. A small distance on the map is the fate gap that many people will never be able to cross in their lifetime.

Although the fare was only 9 yuan, few people in the village had been to Xi'an at that time. The big city Xi'an is a dream of Liu Xiaoxiang in his 30-year life. Her husband helped her to realize this dream. He took her to Xi'an, but Liu Xiaoxiang stood under the bell tower, watching the traffic and the hot men and women in the big city, and suddenly burst into tears.

She yearns for Xi'an, but the real Xi'an makes her feel extremely lonely.

In 2001, the popular TV series included "Deep Love and Rain", "Kangxi Dynasty", "Mansion Gate", "Meteor Garden", etc. Liu Xiaoxiang loves watching TV, but she did not mention any of them.

In addition to "Half the Sky", she likes to watch another CCTV program "Reading Time". She said that she read TV as a book, listened to each word, and pondered word by word.

She understands the outside world and life through television.

Liu Xiaoxiang was interviewed in Mandarin. After the show was broadcast, people around her were surprised to know that she could actually speak "outside words". She learned Mandarin year after year, quietly following radio and television, and she literally learned it all the time.

She listened to Lu Yao's "Life", "Ordinary World", and "News and Newspaper Digest". The nourishment of literary works and the impact of news reports made her feel the huge difference between the village and the outside world, and it also set off in her heart. waves.

She felt dissatisfied and felt that her life was not right, so she stubbornly, day after day, built a channel for herself to connect with the world by learning to speak Mandarin.

The things she wants to reach are always in the looming heights. She stepped on the yellow earth and looked up hard at a world that everyone thought was not hers.

In the long life, some people look down at the dust, and some people look up at the bright moon. It is difficult to make a choice, and it is even more difficult to take into account. Women, on the other hand, often choose to compromise and want to take care of themselves. Women are more tolerant and easier to make sacrifices because of their soft and powerful motherhood.

Liu Xiaosang felt the existence of the shackles, but she couldn't break free.

If the marriage is unfortunate, if survival is a problem, if there is no child, maybe she can make up her mind to give up once.

Running away or staying behind, it is difficult to give up either.

When interviewed in 2001, Liu Xiaoxian had been married for 10 years, had a pair of children, and many certificates of the children were posted in the house.

She said that for rural girls, marriage is a second life. A girl belongs to her parents' family before marriage, and her husband's family after marriage. There are very few things that belong to her.

Liu Xiaoxiang only read the second year of junior high school, and it was enough for a girl to know a few words. This was a common concept of the local people at that time, and she could not resist.

She was taught at home to do housework well after marriage and be filial to her in-laws. No one would realize that raising a daughter requires asking her what kind of life she wants to live and what kind of person she wants to be. .

In 1991, Liu Xiaoxian and her husband Wang Shusheng met through the introduction of a matchmaker, and the two sides only saw each other three times before settling on their marriage. At that time, she was not in favor of free love. Because in everyone's cognition, the daughter of a good family should follow the steps like this. Fortunately, Liu Xiaoxiang felt that his in-law's family seemed to be a random one, but it was "just right for me".

Wang Shusheng was wandering outside at the time, and Liu Xiaoxiang felt that he was looking for such a person. Moreover, Wang Shusheng’s ancestor was a scholar, and on the gatehouse of his old house, there is a writing “Heirloom of farming and reading”.

After being married for 10 years and being a daughter-in-law for 10 years, Liu Xiaoyan said that these 10 years are very good in the eyes of others. The family has built a building, her husband treats her well, and her children are well-dressed and well-fed. But she felt that her life was just a good daughter-in-law.

Besides a good daughter-in-law, what else is possible in life? She couldn't tell.

All she can say is that she doesn't want to just think about cooking when she's cooking, and just thinking about doing laundry when she's doing laundry.

The fire inside could only point her in one direction: I could think of something else. But even if she thinks everything is futile, she doesn't want to give up the right to think.

She only needs to do farm work for 2 months a year. During the 10 months of free time, she could only stay at home and live the same life every day.

She said: "I'm tired of living the same days when I'm tired."

She smiled when she said this.

Liu Xiaoxiang said that life needs knowledge, and people also need knowledge at home. With knowledge, life will not be empty.

"I want a full life, I want knowledge. I want to read, I want to watch TV, I want to get what I want from TV because I can't go out."

When she said this, she cried.

There are two unforgettable episodes in the relationship between Zhang Yue and Liu sample.

First, Zhang Yue repeatedly invited Liu Xiaoxiang to the hotel where they were staying, but Liu Xiaoxiang refused to go. But just as they were about to leave, Liu Xiaoxiang suddenly came. As soon as she entered Zhang Yue's room, she hugged Zhang Yue and burst into tears: "You come as you say, and leave as you say. You left me alone again..."

She cried for a long time.

Second, Zhang Yue wanted to accompany Liu Xiaoxiang to the mall to buy her some clothes or something. Liu Xiaoxiang refused to agree, but when she said she went to the bookstore, she immediately became very active. She wanted a whole set of Lu Xun's books and books from northwestern writers, but she just flipped through the psychological books proposed by Zhang Yue and said that people's psychological problems have to be adjusted and overcome by themselves.

Liu Xiaoxiang yearns for the mountains and the sea. Zhang Yue told her back then that life in the mountains and seas was actually very difficult and might not be as good as her current life. Liu Xiaoxiang replied, "I always feel that people should always have a little yearning, but it can't be that I was born here, and I will keep it. Here, I don't want everything outside. I always feel that when people yearn, her eyes will shine."

She has never been satisfied with just being a labelled, hard-working, kind, simple and thrifty woman.

"Everyone thinks that a farmer, especially a woman, she cooks, she does laundry, she looks after the children, she does housework, she does the field work, and then she goes shopping, and she does this , she doesn't need to be thoughtful." When talking about this, Liu Xiaoxiang said forcefully, "I don't accept this."

She said that she will never let her daughter drop out of school early. She will provide her children with education, so that she can know a lot of knowledge and be a thoughtful girl.

Zhang Yue told her that life in a big city is full of stress. Liu Xiaoxian said that pressure is also a kind of happiness, because pressure makes people have pursuits, and people continue to acquire knowledge and accept new things.

Zhang Yue asked her if she was worried that she pushed open the window and saw the outside world, but had to slowly withdraw herself, return to reality, and be dissolved by the monotonous and peaceful life.

Liu Xiaoxian said that she has a compromise method: "I don't want to close this window and keep it open until I am old. I am afraid that I will lose those passions and emotions, so I keep on More knowledge is needed, more things need to be known.”

20 years have passed in a flash. Today's TV programs are rich in variety, well-produced, and dazzling, far from comparable to those of the past, but Liu Xiaoxian in those days would never have imagined that his narration would span time and cause tremors and resonance in the souls of many people. And, 20 years later, she can still spark a heated discussion.

In 2021, a reporter found Liu Xiaoshan again.

It turned out that after the interview with Zhang Yue, until 2006, when he was almost 40 years old, Liu Xiaosang began to try to go out and see the outside world. From the county seat, to Xi'an, and then to other provinces, after experiencing a different life and experiencing various life flavors, in 2016, she returned to Qinchuan, 800 miles away.

Family has once again become the focus of Liu Xiaoxiang's life. Her mother-in-law is gone, her children are married one after another, and the next generation of the small family is born one after another. As she grows old, she is living a life that looks no different from others.

But now, the brightest thing in her house is no longer the bright clothes, but the flowers in the garden. She took care of the small courtyard at home into a beautiful garden.

Life is only self-sufficiency, and experience is a ship.

Returning to the beginning of life has its own lonely and plentiful harvest. Flowers are blooming in the small courtyard, and the air is filled with vitality. Liu Xiao, who knows how to take care of this beauty, never failed to run away, she completed her feat.

There will still be new pains and struggles in life, but there is a window that she has never closed.