I AM SHE, SHE IS ME

It has been almost 21 years since my mom passed and although life goes on, it still feels unreal. Grief holds no expiration date, but in spite of my tears, I hold fast to what my mom instilled within me. I hold fast to the memories of her that help make me the woman I am today. My mother wasn’t perfect, but she was there for me. Truth be told, my mother dealt with so many demons in the form of insecurities. Many of the lessons that I could have learned at an early age, I was shielded from. I had to learn most of them from my own experiences. However, I know my mom loved me dearly and I miss her every day. However, my mom taught me a lesson in strength because there was so much in her childhood that she dealt with. She had to deal with the loss of a parent, and she had to give up so much to help take care of her siblings. There was so much she didn’t tell me. Yet, she kept a smile on her face to keep a smile on my face. That takes strength and that is something I have learned. Life is not perfect, but strength built on faith will help you to persevere. But even in her strength, she taught me that it is okay to not be okay. This is something that I learned on my own because she held so much in. She endured a lot of disappointments and loss, but she never broke down. She suffered multiple miscarriages, one before I was born and two before my little brother. Maybe she thought she had to keep it together, fake it to make it, and I thought I had to do the same after she died. I thought I had to be strong for my brother, my dad, that I didn’t take the time to grieve. Breaking down can be a means of healing, of letting things go. I wish she had known that she could have cried those tears she thought were meaningless. She deserved to let it go because she gave of herself so much. My mother taught me to stand up for myself. Although, she, herself learned this later in life, she and my father instilled it into me. You must never be afraid to stand up and speak out. Although my mom rarely spoke up when it came to herself, she would speak up when it came to her children. I have no children, but when it comes to those I love and my self-respect, I speak up boldly. My mother became a mom at a young age and many of the goals she had were set on the backburner. She did not get to achieve some goals. One major lesson that I learned from her memory and one that my father always tells me is to achieve my dreams while I can. I am grateful for her sacrifice. Although, I dealt with some of the same insecurities and disappointments, I knew her struggles and pain, it wasn’t pretty. It is my belief that her lessons came from letting me see her battle those storms. Maybe she wanted me to recognize those things that would test me later on in life, to prepare me. Maybe she knew my strength better than I knew it. Her beauty and grace will always inspire me to love myself, her loving spirit will always remind me to be giving but not gullible. The lessons that I learned from her inspire me to go on with her close to my heart.