I Ain't No Bitch

I had a dream; it was disturbing.

My ex, one of his closest friends, and I were hanging out by some big rocks at night.

Maybe we were smoking weed, maybe just hanging and having deep conversations.

We were standing below the street light.

After a bit, I noticed a big dog run up the side of the hill and stand at the highest point on the boulder.

I remember the presence of an elderly man; I thought I saw him walking below the rocks on the same side as the canine.

The dog was grey, and majestic, but his look was fierce. He did not want us there.

I only saw him with the corner of my eye, and when I looked at him directly, I noticed the others.

He was no ordinary dog out for a walk with his owner.

He was the Alpha, and his pack looked hungry.

They were the biggest animals I’d ever seen so close.

“Wolves!” Shouted my ex.

We simultaneously ran for the car two feet away.

I hopped in the driver’s seat, he got in the back on the right-side somehow...the car was facing us.

James just stood there, frozen.

I went mute after shouting his name once.

The wolves came down.

They surrounded him, and I just couldn’t bear to see a very close, and gentle friend get ripped to shreds before my eyes.

“JAMES! GET IN THE CAR!!!!” Shouted my ex.

It was his best friend. It was his job to protect him, not mine.

I was in the driver’s seat, he was in the back.

I think I beeped the horn to startle them. They were undisturbed.

I saw one wolf bite at James' arm, and catch his jacket in his teeth.

I shifted into reverse.

I drove back a bit, shifted into drive, and woke up.

Why do the ones we love suffer?

Is it their inabilities? Or is it something working against us all?

The story is not about James.

It is not about my sister.

Not my mother.

It is about me.

I may want to remain ignorant, but that’s because I do not wish to accept responsibility for others.

I have a duty.

I have a duty to myself and to my world.

Does that mean my gifts are for the individuals of the world? Or is it for the individuals of the world I wish to create?

Not THE World; you know, Earth.

I see something else.

Do I find them? Are they out there waiting for me? Are they right around me, coals under pressure, and not yet diamonds? Diamonds are unbreakable, right? What about people? We are snowflakes, because we are all different, but we are not so fragile.

Sensitive, certainly; not helpless.

When he froze, I knew I couldn’t take on a pack of wolves alone.

My ex is that, because I couldn’t trust him to follow me into battle. Would I have died?

Would I have lost a close friend or relative, because I just didn’t act?

In chess I love being Black.

I’m expected to lose. No pressure to set the tempo. Just sit back, defend, and watch. It’s a crutch, really.

The best games include a healthy balance of incredible offense AND defense. That’s how you win.

YOU set the tempo.

If you’re on defense, defend, but switch up the rules with a surprise attack!

I love surprises.

I hate surprises.

People don’t get me usually, so they don’t know how to do it. When they do, it’s the best feeling.

All this time, you were thinking of me? Loving me? Loving ME?!

I love you too. How do I tell you? I don’t know anymore than they do.

How can I save those like me?

STOP believing everyone is like me. I have the rarest personality type…so they say.

Who am I? The healer, the teacher, the lover, the fighter?

I want to fight.

What’s it like?

I’ve had sex, unfulfilled and unpleasant sex that lacked passion.

When you fight, your emotions are hot and heavy like sexual desire.

They control you, and you do what they say.

I want to fight.

So much anger. So much rage!

Anger and pain are not as rare as true love.

I’m angry.

There aren’t enough people to love me the way I need, and I hate the world for it.

Still, when I shifted into reverse, I wasn’t running away.

I’d sooner strand us there with the totaled car smashed into the rocks…with the Alpha in-between.