How to Stop Feeling Like Crap

We all know that our looks are where most of our worth comes from right? And maybe recently you’ve just come to the conclusion that you mightn’t be even average looking because somebody told you that you were an ugly bitch. Look, it’s not your fault OK? You were born with deficient genes and that whole myth of ‘marry a rich man’ that your mother sold you instead of cultivating a rich sense of independence and pride in your own interests and work ethic is kinda fucked now isn’t it? If you had just realised that you were ugly sooner. Goddammit.

Here are some tips to better your situation because if you want to bag a man you’re going to have to put in waaaay more effort than an ugly man was. TO achieve your destiny of being looked after by mediocre man, bound in contract by marriage, you really need to be good looking BUT there are a few things that you can do to improve your situation so you don’t need to start your collection of spinster cats just yet. We all know there is no way you can be happy on your own, so the first element in order to salvage anything is to just accept the cold hard reality – you are an ugly bitch.

So what do you do, eh? Well here’s what I’ve done. Hopefully it works for you, but my results aren’t in yet. Maybe it took me too long to realise that I was bet with the ugly stick because I was distracted with child rearing and college, but there is hope for you and hopefully we won’t all rot on the shelves, bemoaning a lack of average dick in our lives.

1: Buy women’s magazines constantly. There’s nothing like a load of people tearing women down for their body changes or dress choices to make you feel even slightly better about yourself. Also, it can have the flipside effect of upsetting you more, because despite their body changes, especially after having a baby, they still look better than you and this will motivate you to improve that sack of shit of a body of yours.

2: You can trick men online and lure them in by using filters on your social media selfies. Want giant eyes or dog ears? Those gullible guys will be believing it no bother. Show a bit of tit to get a bit of sausage in your inbox and requests to show ‘bobs and vagine’ from enthusiastic foreign men.

3: Use copious amounts of concealer. Concealer is amazing. It covers blemishes, redness, your puffy eyes from crying all night because you’re lonely… When used correctly it even covers all definable features. That’s right – cover up every inch of your ugly face with concealer so that you are indistinguishable from your former self. It’s better to be a blank expressionless slate than have a horrible face – which you do.

4: As part of accepting that you are worthless and ugly, ensure that you take all criticisms on board. Random men will tell you how you’re ugly so just politely listen to their suggestions, no matter how hypocritical it may appear or how you didn’t ask in the first place. They are doing you a favour. Do not and I repeat, do not, get angry with them as there is absolutely nothing more unattractive than an angry ugly woman – who is probably some kind of feminazi or something. You’ll never get a dicking acting like that.

5: If all your clothing is as bad as your face and body you should set it on fire and just wear bin bags.

6: Work on your personality – now, I know you didn’t want it to come to this but you really should consider it. No longer will you be an empty receptacle waiting for men to come and fill you with their thoughts, ideas and ejaculate. Now, I’m not saying be clever – because if The Big Bang Theory has taught me anything – it’s that the more intelligent a woman is the less physically attractive she is but also men are intimidated by those rare few women that have bigger brains than them. Instead, try (and the emphasis is on ‘try’ here as science has shown that women aren’t as funny as men) to be funny. Use this as a last resort, obviously, but there are quite a few relatively funny unattractive women who have used this to their advantage.

7: Accept that you are chubby because you are lazy and eat too much. It definitely doesn’t have anything to do with having had a kid, loose skin, PCOS, or that drinking problem that started because you had a bit of a mental breakdown. Nope, it’s cos you eat like a bastard. Anyone calling you obese knows that. Remember even if you did love yourself and your body, in all your chubby glory it’s wrong because you’re clearly actively promoting an unhealthy lifestyle choice.

8: Women aren’t meant to be hairy either FFS. Despite the fact that hair grows pretty much in all the same places as men have hair it’s gross for us to have it. It has nothing to do with an attempt during World War II to generate more income for razors by opening up a new market towards women. Nada. Your natural body hair is gross and you should be ashamed. Seriously remove it or do you want to start collecting spinster kitties now?

9: I think your standards as an ugly lady may have been too high? I mean have you been single long like? What about that guy that’s been messaging you every day for the last year sending dick pics? He seems OK when you put it in perspective right? Why don’t you give him a chance before you dry up? Lower those standards – even if you have nothing in common with those unattractive guys, cos let’s face it you’ve a face like an 80-year-old ballsack.

10: If you have big tits get them out as much as you can, in a good bra to take the focus away from that trainwreck of a face. This can even distract from your fatness too.

11: If all else fails send nudes. Nobody looks at the mantelpiece when they’re poking the fire. Just make sure your ugly mantelpiece isn’t in it and that the fire is at a flattering angle.

Good luck you ugly bastards.