How to Realize That Low Self-Esteem Keeps You in The Same Place

"Forgive me for not knowing how to do the right thing in the past. Forgive yourself for giving power over someone else's life. Forgive yourself for past words and actions. Forgive yourself for the patterns and traits that have been part of your mind due to the traumas you have experienced. Forgive yourself for becoming who you can become in these conditions. "- Audrey Kitching

In search of happiness, you can try everything you can - sports, hot foam baths, romance, a successful career, and much more…

And finally, you come to the same conclusion that I made: that all these things are incapable of giving you the real happiness that you have always dreamed of until you know the true value of yourself.

For about a dozen years, from the day I turned twenty, I have lived with the feeling that my needs and requirements are not being met or appreciated. I did my best to be as happy as possible, but all this time the thought "no, something is missing here" was running through my head.

I found a partner and I was in a long-term relationship with this person, but many times I found myself not getting everything I dreamed of in this relationship and even thinking about breaking up. However, these thoughts always ended in the middle, when my mind was full of fear that I would be left alone and no one else would ever love me.

When it came to friends, I accepted almost everyone who had the will and determination to break the wall I was surrounded by.

But in the company of friends, my nerves still sometimes sounded like a stretched rope, because it seemed to me that sooner or later they would "bite" me and see what I am, and our friendship will fade like a lighted candle. . They didn't seem to like me at all, or they were insulting me for something.

However, most of the time they didn't notice this, because on the outside I stayed the same as always - strong, sincere, and st, right… only at the same time did it seem to me that I considered myself stupid, imperfect, or selfish.

I thought that to keep my close friends, I had to become their best friend in the whole world, otherwise, they would forget about me. I let my friends be discretionary and make mistakes, but I didn't allow myself to do the same.

However, since all my friends turned out to be good people, in the end, this approach did not hurt me, although it might. By the way, then it seemed to me that I was lucky that such a great evil, in general, has friends.

The saddest thing about low self-esteem is that you quickly get used to it. It seemed to me that less and less was good for me. My level of happiness was quite low, going down with my self-esteem.

Ordinary, reliable, and short-term relationships, constant attempts to get someone else's approval, my failure to take risks in anything - all of which seemed pretty normal to me, and all of which protected me from facing the heaviest fear. Fear that no one needs me.

My adaptive skills learned at the beginning of my life, did their job, keeping me firmly in my comfort zone, where I was safe…

But do you know what happens when you never get out of your comfort zone? Your life is becoming more and more mundane, and the thought of how to change it somehow seems more and more frightening to you.

But at the same time, you want to do it more and more. Equal forces pull you in different directions, following which you mark the time, without advancing even an inch.

Is it possible to get out of this vicious circle?

It is possible and I succeeded. Today, honestly, I wholeheartedly believe that I am no less worthy than my friends, relatives, and anyone I have met or are meeting. I make my own decisions, I'm not afraid to share my opinion, I'm much more willing to leave others in my inner world, and I'm so happy that I didn't even think it was possible before.

So how did I, a person who closed my eyes to what was going on in her soul, manage to change my whole world?

I have to admit it wasn't easy. I did not wake up at all on a beautiful morning and I realized that I am a wonderful and dignified person. Something completely different happened. A few years ago, my girlfriend broke off the relationship on her initiative, and suddenly all the feelings she had previously hidden fell on me like a real waterfall.

Fate is sometimes quite ironic - at the same time, I was responsible for conducting self-esteem workshops. And these seminars opened my eyes to what was happening to me, like never before.

Every day I told others how to raise their self-esteem, and as I listened to them, I became more and more aware of one simple fact: my self-esteem was right at the bottom of a deep hole, and so was I. I kept digging.

It became apparent to me that all the techniques I had tried to use to make myself happy (gratitude journals, optimistic plans, exercise, and so on) were simply unable to make up for the heavyweight on my legs. And I realized that until I could only slightly increase my self-esteem, I would not see happiness as my ears.

I started with my relationships - because they were the source of most of my anxiety and negative thinking. My approach has been comprehensive and has brought tangible results - meditation, psychotherapy, self-help trainers and smartbooks have helped me understand why I am so drawn to people that, since I have always felt deep in my soul, I don't I wanted to and I didn't deserve it.

I learned a lot about my "Why". When you grow up surrounded by insecure people who are not distinguished by special personality integrity, this inevitably leaves its mark on your soul. Unfortunately, when I was a child, I did not live in a calm, stable, and happy family, and the relationships I saw around me were certainly not normal.

The atmosphere in our house was such that you would not want an enemy - even an adult enemy: violence, chaos, the consequences of alcohol and drugs, and much more. Of course, to maintain my health and to feel at least to a certain extent safe, I had to acquire survival techniques.

Outside the house, I pretended that everything was completely normal for me and, over time, I mastered this ability to perfection.

When I began to question the appropriateness of the patterns of my behavior that had become accustomed and processed long ago to automatism, I was able to rethink my own life and emphasize in it precisely those patterns of behavior that suck my energy and prevent me from being myself.

I know that this was the realization and rethinking of all these patterns that helped me get through the darkest series of my life. I realized that I am not alone, and this perspective has led to the strongest realization of my entire life: I was not locked in place at all and I have enough strength to change, only if I want to.

And to help you experience the same incredible transformation that we have achieved, I will share with you some of the most common patterns of behavior that distinguish people with low self-esteem:

1. You are too scared to take risks.

If you make any kind of bet, then only small - so that it will surely remain within the limits of your comfort zone. You may even think about trying to change your life or try something new from time to time, but each time you are paralyzed by the fear that you will not succeed or that you will face the judgments of others. Other people's opinions, especially negative ones, for some reason seem incredibly important to you and can ruin your mood for a very long time, but you don't want that.

I wouldn't be surprised if you constantly dream of change, both in your sleep and in reality, but beyond that, you will never achieve anything.

You do not change your job in disgust, you are discouraged from trying to go to the gym because you still will not succeed and do not go alone on your dream trip, because you have always traveled with a company and you are afraid to change your habits.

Lack of self-confidence instills in you the belief that you are not able to cope with change and a tendency to overestimate the importance of the opinions of others.

2. You try to please everyone.

Many times you answer yes to any suggestion and often you care more about the needs and desires of others than yours. And you are also ready to make any sacrifices and reach conditions with almost any injustice, just to avoid conflict and you are ready to do even things that are unpleasant to you, just to make other people happy.

When the fear that you are not good enough dominates your life, you are willing to do anything to feel loved and appreciated, even if it harms your well-being. Goodness is, of course, good, but it must include kindness to yourself.

3. Even though your life is far from ideal, you believe that you are lucky and that you should be grateful for your fate.

You may now be content with much less than you deserve - in work, love, and life in general. Thoughts are constantly spinning in your head telling you that you deserve so much more, but you are convinced that this is greed and that what you already have is enough.

But despite this belief, you are in no way let go of a thirst that is continually driven by something more - more love, more fun, more understanding… more.

4. You let other people treat you badly.

The people around you are constantly saying and doing things that make you feel useless and misunderstood. Sometimes you still try to retreat, but most of the time you just pretend you can't hear or notice. You try to find an excuse for their behavior or accept the excuses they invented… but deep down you still know that something is wrong.

An important sign of this type of behavior is that you always want others to show you more respect - but at the same time allow them to wipe your feet off you, lie to you, always put you in second place, he leaves your ideas aside as stupid, and so on. Remember that other people treat you the way you treat them badly, they are more likely to follow suit.

5. You cling to things and situations.

When it comes to certain people, things, and situations in your life, you shine with them, trying in vain to keep them in place and keep them from changing. You may even know that this behavior is not constructive, but you don't think you can do anything about it.

6. Do what you don't like at all.

Your words and actions are contrary to all beliefs, inner values, and what you want. You go to bed on your first or second date, you go with your new partners to places you are not completely interested in, you hide your real interests and you can even lie about what you want.

Sometimes you know what you're doing and you hate yourself for it, and other times you close your eyes to it, but the result of such behavior is always the same - you feel like a vampire has banished all the joy and happiness from you. When you don't value yourself enough, you think that your potential partner is only able to love you if you "fit" perfectly.

7. You are constantly worried about what you said or did.

You spend a lot of your time worrying about what you said or did and worrying about hurting someone. This can have a very negative effect on your performance and will make it impossible for you to feel happy.

8. Keep other people out of your way.

You keep others at bay. This is because you only see the worst in them, judging them too harshly for mistakes and wrongdoing or you don't want to get close to them, so as not to experience the pain of loss.

You can break all contact with new acquaintances, if you tell them something you don't like or look for everything in them, down to the smallest detail, in what is different, then you decide that you are simply not on the road.

In retrospect, I realize that these patterns have had an incredibly powerful effect on my life… and yet I have never given them the attention they deserve. No one showed them to me and they felt like an integral and natural part of my daily life.

If you are tired of feeling that you are never good enough, start taking a good look at yourself. Don't wait until you sink to the bottom of your life, don't wait until another ten years have passed. Start now - you deserve it.