How To Choose A Husband? - About Personal Relationships
Of course, you can make a list of "qualities of a good husband," but many have already guessed that they do not work. And another approach is needed.
Personality in personal relationships
I'll start from afar. My youngest son has a strange peculiarity - when I tell him: “you are my boy/son/person”, not to mention the “bunnies” and other animals, he fiercely protests: “No, I’m Yurchik!” You might think that the child has problems with abstract generalizations, but no - the birds with the dogs are normally generalized, "people" and "children" too - but only as long as they are not familiar to him. As soon as a relationship is established with another, the same song begins: “No, she is not a girl - she is Inna!”
You can laugh at the child, but he is right. His gaze, not yet clouded by stereotypes, sees what many of us should learn to see — he sees the Face, the Person of the other, as he feels his own uniqueness, his own self, irreducible to any generalizations. I think in childhood we all saw this. But no one understood us. Parents didn’t want to see Masha in us - Masha is uncomfortable, we need to communicate with her like with no one else. It is much easier to explain to her, for example, that she is a girl who should be a “good girl” and communicate with a “girl”. Or "obedient child" is also an option. And that boy over there is “the future defender of the fatherland” ...
Growing up, we ask ourselves: who am I? where is my true self what do I really want? - and we can’t find an answer, sometimes for years and decades. And we really need an answer - we feel that this is the only thing that is really important, that somewhere next to it lies the meaning of our life and happiness. We feel that we are living some kind of alien life or even do not even live at all - and this worries us. After all, once we knew that we have a Face - our true self ... Usually, these vague torments that visit us at not the best moments alone with a pillow, we try to just forget. But this does not save us from tragedy - it overtakes us in personal relationships.
The identity of the future husband
The lack of one's own face and the inability to see a face in another makes personal relationships almost impossible for us. We hope that the other person, loving, will see and show us - and then we will find the Face by satisfying the longing for the true self. That’s why they strive for love so desperately, and often consider it the meaning of life, that to be loved means that someone sees our oneness, sets us apart from 7 billion other people, and if someone sees me, then I’m all -and there is! But the trouble is that he usually does not see us, but he expects the same from us - after all, he grew up with the same problem. Without seeing ourselves, we both do not see each other, but everyone takes offense at this for a partner ...
A future husband should not be “some kind” for you, he is who. And who is here - this is not a “real man”, “good husband”, “good man”, “loving father”, “successful entrepreneur” and hundreds more faceless characteristics and functions. Only with whom you see the Face, it is worth connecting life - only with those about whom you can say: “This is not a“ man ”, this is Vasya!”
You will say: “But this is understandable! When I fell in love with him, he was the only one for me, and then it turned out that he ... "Do not rush. Take a look at your stories and comments: “So he is an ideal husband: he doesn’t drink, he doesn’t smoke, he makes good money, he repairs everything in the house and even faucets ... But why is it so hard with him?” Obviously, this woman sees her husband anything but the Person, and when she chose him, she also did not see his Person.
Remember yourself - and you will see that falling in love with the "one", we saw and appreciated a lot of it: beauty, kindness, intelligence, strength ... except for himself. These are four of our ideals, but not his personality at all. And he is the same. Almost all of us are used to this from childhood, and otherwise, we simply do not know-how. Those who otherwise do not ask such questions.
How to see a person when choosing a husband?
To see the face of another one must, first of all, stop evaluating it - i.e. stop labeling him: “good, reliable, responsible, strong, smart, purposeful (or mean, cold, proud)” ... And also stop comparing him - with others or with his “ideal”. What difference does it make and what is it like? After all, you enter into a relationship with him, and not with his qualities, no matter how beautiful they are. What is the use of his determination for you, for example, if for the sake of his goals he forgets the promises made to you? What good is his strength of mind if he applies them to you - to suppress?
How else? Look at him and his attitude. You enter into a relationship with him - just look at how he treats you - look carefully, with all your eyes. And who enters into a relationship? “You.” And therefore it is even more attentive to look into yourself. Yes, forgetting all the romantic dreams and stories of girlfriends whom they envied. Ask yourself better: do I like it? Personally, can I live with this?
So he was late for a date - is it important for me or not? 15 minutes - no, not important, but I see this as disrespect for me. Excellent! - but you see it. And now we come back to him: and what is behind this - for him personally, and not for the abstract man, about whom we read in women's magazines? How does he explain and evaluate it himself? Maybe he drove in 1.5 hours, but got stuck in traffic - and is very worried. Or was he not in a hurry because he was sitting with friends? Or maybe he was late on purpose, checking you? Having understood it, again to myself: do I like it? I admit such an attitude towards me if this is the norm of life?
A very important point: does the man see you? - Personally of you, and not the "girl of your dreams", the one that is "better" than all his previous ones or "not like everyone else." What does he notice in you? Does he understand what is behind your actions and how does this relate? Does it respect your interests? Or does he simply compare you with a list of what he needs from a “woman”, leaving you behind the brackets - with your desires and characteristics? If you pay attention to this, you will definitely notice that your chosen one is personally treating you or chooses a toy/service staff. You for him - is it you personally or just one of the women?
It is difficult to understand what another person thinks and feels, and how he treats you. There are no recipes and lists to check with. But this is the only way to get real, not fictitious, relationships with a real person and not with a “good husband” who will be unbearable for you personally because he does not love you, and you too. How is this understanding to be achieved? For starters, 2 points are important:
1. “Get out of yourself”, forgetting all the prejudices, and try to see the future husband not from the outside, but from the inside - to understand his inner logic, his goals, desires, feelings, motives - as they are for him. This is almost mysticism, but actually not - you just need genuine interest. We all know how, if we want - do we empathize with the movie heroes?
2. At the same time, it is equally important to understand yourself: what do you really want, what is important for you, and what is not, what is acceptable and what is not? Not in qualities, moreover, but in relationships. Having understood it, do not forget about yourself - you enter into a relationship. No matter how clear and excusable his motives are, if for you personally they are unacceptable, then there is nothing to talk about.
The main thing when choosing a husband
The most important thing in choosing a future husband: do not choose a husband. Almost all women are guilty of this - a sort of focused approach, almost from the first meeting: “Does he suit me as a husband?” It is thanks to him that we completely lose the ability to see a person and begin to evaluate and compare him. It will be much better if relations develop naturally if people meet because they are together well and interestingly because they just want to meet and find in these meetings not hopes for the future, but what they have now. And for this, you have to forget about finding and choosing a husband - and just live, just talk.
Everyone has the experience of personal relationships that are not spoiled by excessive load - this is your best friend. Why are you talking to her? Does it matter to you how much she earns or weighs? Are you driven by her small or big weaknesses? - Not! You do not appreciate her for that. You worry about each other, support each other, discuss something and agree in assessments, you understand her, and she understands you - and therefore you are together. This is what is really important - and this is a real relationship that no storm is afraid of.
Now try to remember the time when you chose the best friend - what did you pay attention to? Do not remember? - Because it wasn’t like that, it even sounds wild, is it true: “choose a girlfriend”? A friend, however, is. And there is no husband, and if there is, then it would not be better - why? - Because they "chose". And because if in relations with a man there is not even that minimum of relations that connects us with a girlfriend (with whom we do not see each day), then even if he is an Arab prince of a kind soul, nothing good will come of him.
To summarize, I’ll say even more sharply. The question itself: how to choose the right husband? indicates that you are not ready for personal relationships yet. This approach is doomed to failure anyway. Listen to the question: “how to choose a husband?” What does it remind? - “How to choose a blender?”, “How to choose hairspray?” ... If we are talking about a person and relations with him - is it possible to approach this as soullessly prudent and consumeristic as choosing a thing? And to yourself? After all, you live with a person, communicate about something, make love - is it really important for you that he meets some parameters?
Signs of a relationship that can make a happy family:
-shared values, outlooks on life on key issues
-the mutual vision of personality in another
-mutual acceptance of this person
Note that everything should be mutually present on both sides. This is the only list I can give. He refers already to the relationship, and not to the "choice of husband." And it concerns not so much the future husband as we ourselves. Can we do that ourselves? And if not, then what can we do to learn to see another and enter into personal relationships? I think for a start - to find yourself.
Why am I talking about finding myself?
Because, if we admit an approach to relationships such as: how to choose a husband? then something is wrong with our own personality, girls.
Having acquired our own Face, we can see the Person in another, because we will know where to look. And even then we will cease to need someone else to show ourselves to us - which means that our relationship will be free from need, it will actually be a relationship with another Self, and not an attempt to use it, even as a mirror. Such relationships have a chance to become true love, not addiction.