Husband And Wife Live As Neighbors In The Living Space. Who Is To Blame And What To Do?
The husband and wife became neighbors in the living space. Alas, many families live like this. Is it possible to save the situation and revive the relationship? Are such problems inevitable, or can they be prevented? Now let's figure it out.
BY RESIDUAL PRINCIPLE
At different stages of the relationship between a man and a woman, difficulties are different. At the very beginning, we try to impress, arouse sympathy. Then, when meeting, it is better to get to know another person. Cohabitation involves the stage of "grinding". Having a baby also causes difficulties that must be overcome. That is life.
Before those problems, which will be discussed in this article, still, as they say, need to survive. Usually, they make themselves felt in pairs with an experience of 8-10 or more years. But it all starts earlier, imperceptibly and harmlessly.
In many families with children, roles are traditionally distributed: the husband makes money, the wife takes care of children and the house. The load on both spouses is large. The husband works until late, and if he has his own business, then - almost around the clock. The wife manages to do a huge number of things, especially if there are several children in the family.
Neither the strength nor the time for intimate and personal communication is not enough. “Hello!”, “Bye!”, “How are you?” - that's all (almost) communication. Cases are being done, only they have their own, of the common themes remains the upbringing of children and household issues.
There were no common interests, no common hobbies. There is practically nothing to talk about, except for a range of family issues. Intimate relationships are rare and do not bring much satisfaction, but I don’t want to understand what’s wrong. Meetings with friends happen infrequently; exits to the "light", for example, to the theater are also very rare. Even flowers are given twice a year: for a birthday and on March 8. No romance.
Sometimes the wife also works, often remotely, according to a relatively free schedule. It happens that such a switch from household chores eases the situation, but often it only gets worse since there is even less time and effort left on the “man-woman” relationship.
CHANGE AS COMPENSATION
One of the most unpleasant consequences of such a devastating married life is treason. Constantly not receiving from the marriage partner the most important things - compliments and gratitude, tenderness and admiration, sexual interest - one or both spouses go to "get" these missing points on the side. Husbands often make lovers for a full-fledged sexual life, women go “to the left” mainly for emotional intimacy (and sexual too).
Most often, it is the detection of treason that becomes such a “shake-up” that it is impossible to “close your eyes”. Dissatisfaction with marital relations becomes apparent - and the couple either breaks up (temporarily, until the feelings settle down, or permanently) or goes to a family psychologist.
In the second case, there is a lot of work to be done if both spouses have a desire to save the family and establish close relations.
MOSCOW WAS NOT BUILT IN A DAY
Often, first of all, there is a request to improve intimate relationships, however, you need to start correcting the situation not with sex, but with communication and interaction.
The first thing to start a “reset" of marital relations is to recognize that this is our common problem and our common task. In my experience of counseling, there were cases when only one side showed initiative - but this was a temporary stage, and if the “one-goal game” lasted a long time, then everything ended and people parted. But when, if not immediately, the other side began to show activity, then the results were very good.
It would be naive to think that such complex problems can be solved with simple recommendations such as “do little by little something good for each other”. There is no soil for such advice.
Therefore, you will have to start work by recognizing the difficulties that have been paired for many years:
-lack of romantic attention,
-conflicts over money,
-annoyance with the influence on the older generation family,
All these and other problematic topics will have to be raised, recognized, discussed and sought, how to solve them.
Through resentment and disappointment, powerlessness and anger, guilt and forgiveness lie a difficult way to restore trust, intimacy and the desire to work on relationships.
Having cleared the "clearing" from a large part of the "weeds", it is the turn of "sowing" good "seeds": returning to the relationship the lost elements: kind words, praise, pleasant surprises, a pleasant time together, gentle touches. It’s good when it turns out to find a new common hobby: dancing or a foreign language, yoga or Nordic walking. We try to create not a vicious, but a positive circle: I do something good for you from the heart, and you have a sincere desire to do something pleasant to me.
In those cases where problems have greatly worsened sexual relations, one should not force things, but start with gentle hugs and strokes, mutual massage with touching sensitive areas, but do not necessarily consider this as a prelude to complete proximity.
On the contrary, it is recommended not to focus on the idea of having to have sexual intercourse, but to try to give the partner pleasure without him, to expand the range of affection, it is better to find out what gives the spouse pleasure.
FEED YOUR FEELINGS!
Fire, as you know, is easier to prevent than to put out. So it is here: it is easier not to allow such a distance and "parallelization" of life than to correct it.
Remember that you are not only parents, not only partners in solving housing, financial and other problems, you are husband and wife, man and woman.
A romantic note, a sensual component must be present in your relationship.
In any circumstances, no matter how busy you are, it is possible to show your spouse that you see in him an attractive representative of the other sex, which arouses your sympathy and desire. Look for unique ways for your couple to express emotional closeness, feel free to say "I love you." Then the years lived together will not alienate you from each other, but, on the contrary, will bring you closer together and unite them into a solid “We” - the basis for happy family life.