How to Be a Man

When she was 12 and staying with us for several weeks that summer, she asked me if she could get a haircut. She wanted a big change - "Cut it all off!" she said. I asked her to pick some photos, "so we can show the stylist what you're looking for". The pictures were not just of short hair styles - but radical - more like boy cuts than short women cuts. I was a little shocked - and asked her to double check the cut with her mom and to maybe back off on the extremity a bit. I was not paying attention. I was a step-mom with very little time in the job - and was so worried about not screwing up - that I wasn't paying attention.

On the 30th of this month, he is getting the first of what may be a few surgeries to rectify the disconnect between his persona/emotional being and his physical being. It's been a challenging 4 years. He has been so brave and focused that there is no doubt this is what is right and good.

I'm delighted to say that he has been surrounded by supportive loving family and friends since he started living his truth about 18 months ago. His doctors and counselors say that is often the difference between a transgender person living through the first years and dying. It was a no-brainer - because of the love that we all share; love for him. Last year, we (his father, his mother, his brother and me) all went to the Pride parade in NYC together. It was easy to set aside the differences between the adults to support the "kid" - it has been an amazing experience.

I have lived my entire life as an Ally - I cried and screamed through the 80s/90s holding hands with the dying - and supporting those left behind, angry as hell; I have done activist theatre and come to terms with the reality that loving people doesn't save them - but fighting for them creates hope. So when the questions first came to the surface and the realization was shared - I had people. People to call, to talk to and to refer to. My family of choice never let me down. There was a call for help and a call to action - and they never let me down.

Without them, and without meaning to, I would have let him down - I promise. I would have let him down, because his experience is not my experience. His reality is not my reality. Loving him helps - but there's so much more that he needs - and the LGBTQ community has it; offers it; shares whatever is needed to promote healing and inspire living life to the fullest.

So prayers for you, young man, as you take the next and much anticipated giant step toward your own liberation. May the courage of your truth give you the much needed protection you'll need to navigate this world. A world that is scared of you; misunderstands you. If it weren't for Stonewall and the revolution that your brothers and sisters have wrought in this country, I would be more frightened for you. But I'm excited for you. I sometimes wonder if you are ready and willing to hold your ground. Recovering from this surgery will be nothing compared to the pain that people will try to rain down on you. The capital "T" truth is that your journey has been mapped out - now you'll have to decide which roads you'll take. Your willingness and courage are the first two signs that you are becoming a man - leaving behind the childish things. You are an inspiration to those of us who did not have to fight to be who we are and an example that it's always the best choice one can ever make.