How I dealt with accepting my sexuality the wrong way.

It took me a long time to accept my sexuality. It was so difficult for me that I ended up starting a relationship in the worst way possible, losing a friend and making things awkward for my circle of friends.

I realized that I am interested in both boys and girls back in 2013 ( I was 17), and my biggest insecurity when I was at this age was that I had no control over anything that was happening in my life. My father was abusive, my mother was overseas, and I was in constant fear of what would happen whenever I was at home without my siblings.

I hid this problem well at school, not a single soul had a clue that I could just breakdown and cry any second every day.

People liked me because I never bothered with "highschool drama", what they didn't know was that I was too busy inside my own head to pay attention.

Unfortunately, to deal with my insecurities, my young brain looked for something that I could control. And what I found was that the people who liked me and wanted to date me would do anything that I asked of them.

This became my distraction.

I wasn't interested in rebelling, drinking, doing drugs, or doing anything that would jeopardize my future. It made me feel good that I could manipulate people into looking at me and treating me a certain way. I don't know how but I managed to learn how to make everyone feel special without me kissing their asses or changing who I was.

The problem was that no line was drawn. Even my friends were a part of my distraction.

When I was 17, I was spending a lot of time with my girl friend who went to an all-girls school. During this time, I've noticed that she started treating me differently from the rest of our friends. She would hold my hand whenever we walked, she would kiss my neck every time we hugged, she would sit next to me every time we were with our friends regardless of any other seats or spaces available. She told me about her experiences with other girls which I didn't think much of. I had never thought about my sexuality before. I had one on and off boyfriend since I was 14.

After a couple of months of us seeing each other regularly and talking to each other every day, I realized that I was starting to have feelings towards her.

My first reaction to this was "this cannot be happening" and then "I can't be gay I have a boyfriend". I had no understanding of what was happening to me.

I decided to stop seeing her and had gone back to see my boyfriend at the time more often than I did. It was useless and I ended up breaking up with him after a month.

After this breakup, I was still struggling about the fact that I was having feelings for another girl so, when one of my guy friends told me that he liked me, I entertained his interest.

I decided to go back and treat her like any other regular friend.

Even though I knew that it hurt her feelings, I would talk to her about our friend and whenever we would hook up.

I guess some evil and insecure part of me enjoyed that she did have feelings for me and that I had this effect on her. And this resulted in me complicating her friendship with him, because eventually when I finally liked him, I had also accepted that I had feelings for her too.

I ended up liking both of them at the same time and spending time with the two of them.

It was complicated because we were all in the same circle of friends.

One time we all decided to go to the beach late at night, I decided to put a blanket down and laid on the sand.

She laid down on my right and put my head on top of her shoulder so that she had my arm on my waist and 10 minutes later, he lays down on my left and holds my hand.

Again, some evil part of me enjoyed this. They were willing to endure having to compete for my attention head-on and in front of our friends. At the same time, I knew I was complicating the situation further and that I would have to deal with the consequences at some point, I just didn't care. I felt that I "needed" this distraction.

Most of our group hangs would be like this. He would ask me to go for a walk and be alone with him and she would ask me to stay and vice versa. I would always give them both just enough so they would stay.

I would like to say that this didn't last for a long time but it did. We were like this for at least 3 months.

In the end, I knew that I had stronger feelings for her and "chose" her. But because of how everything started I didn't have her trust and thus a 2-year toxic relationship began. A toxic relationship that resulted in our circle of friends falling apart, them losing their friendship and me, hurting the first girl that I had feelings for.

Whenever people ask me if I have any regrets in life. I would say that this would be it. Up to this day, here right now, 8 years later, it's still my biggest regret. I still see them sometimes, and whenever there's a birthday and our circle would occasionally see each other, it's the one part of our history that's never brought up.

And I guess this is the story of how I had accepted my sexuality in the worst way possible.