How Do You Move Past A Random "Break-Up"?

I recently had an experience that I imagine is all-too-familiar to many of us millenials trying to navigate the dating apps. We matched on Bumble and then Tinder, so I decided (after a glass of wine or 2) to send him a message teasing that I'd go for the dating app trifecta by trying to find him on one of the other popular apps.

He seemed to find that entertaining, so the conversation continued in a fun and positive way. We chatted for a few days and again, after a few glasses of wine, I asked him to meet.

When the day of the date came along I think we were both pretty nervous. He brought his dog along with him, which was a very sweet thing to do. We chatted about all kinds of things, and he seemed to be really relaxed and level-headed like me.

After returning to the house and having a drink with my sister, we said goodbye.

I hardly waited 10 minute to text him and let him know just how nice the date was. When he got home he responded with a similar message. Everything was going so much better than just about every other date I've been on in the past.

A few days pass and I am trying to play the game of giving us space, but also letting him know that I want to see him again. I eventually bring up a second date and we pick a day. I was feeling really good about this.

But then, the day before we were supposed to go on the second date, I get the text that we've all received.

"Something has come up. I have really enjoyed spending time with you, but I think it's best if we end things as they are." Finished off with the classic "maybe our paths will cross again!"

I try to play it cool and make some comment about how his job was always something that could cut things short. Then I left it.

But do we ever really just leave it at that?

Breaking Down The Post-Break-Up Mindset

My brain went from "Is it me?" to "Okay, but is he lying?" to "Was it something I said?" to "I didn't even really like him that much." All of the classic things that go through our minds after something like this happens unexpectedly.

So what is the appropriate response to this? I want to dive into the main response which is questioning their honesty. Wondering if it is "your fault" is never the way you should go. So I won't even get into that but I will say this: Know Your Worth. If someone doesn't see the value that you could bring to their lives - that's on them.

Okay, now that my big sister moment is done - let's dive into what questioning their response could mean.

Check Your Ego

If you find yourself questioning someone's honesty, ask yourself why you're questioning their honesty. Is it because you have a gut instinct, or facts to support the fact that they are lying? In that case, is it worth calling them out for it? What does calling them out for it achieve besides a moment to stroke your own ego?

The second question is are you fabricating a story where they are dishonest to protect your feelings? Is it easier to seek out an opportunity to stroke the ego by "catching them in a lie", than it is to simply accept the fact that sometimes good things must come to an end?

I asked myself both of these questions. Although I had a few facts, and there were some things that seemed "fishy", I leaned more into the idea of protecting my feelings.

One of the harsh realities of being on dating apps is that sometimes we let ourselves be vulnerable and end up with our feelings hurt. While dating apps give us a lot of choice and opportunity, they also open us up to being hurt more. This can force us to put up walls and find ways to protect ourselves from feeling that hurt time after time.

It may seem counterintuitive but actually letting it go and allowing yourself to feel hurt, instead of trying to mask it with ego and finding reasons why that person is morally beneath you - is liberating.

I am really happy with how I approached this particular match. It sucks that it had to end too soon, but I learned that if there's one good guy out there, there's likely many more.

Next time you go through something like this take the time to mourn the loss of a great match, let yourself cry and feel all of the feelings, and then move on.