Hot Singles in Your Area

You know how sometimes you’ll meet a couple of sweethearts, and they tell you this heartwarming story of how he was in a hot air balloon, she was stuck in a tree, and that’s how they met? I don’t. Clearly it’s a thing, people used to meet people in real life. But now it’s more like: he swiped right, then she swiped right, then she ghosted him and he stalked her, now they’re happily in love? Excuse me what? Now I’m not saying I was born in the “wrong generation” and frankly, anyone who does say that deserves to be drop-kicked to a different one. What I’m saying is, you are all so weird. Somewhere in Facebook headquarters is everyone’s favorite Mark Zuckerberg, feeding you all your next life decisions from afar. And for some wild reason, that concerns absolutely nobody at all. But this isn’t about Marky Mark and his very own funky bunch, don’t think you’re getting away with being a weird creep. Let’s discuss, my lovely internet swipers with no real confidence or social skills. Quick disclaimer: as a straight male with no experience out of my field, I will be sticking to what I know best (ie. straight people dating apps). But since this article is bound to be dubbed as “homophobic” anyways, go wild buddy.

The Main Ones

It should go without saying that Tinder, Bumble, and Hinge are all results of not being loved as a child. You feel lonely inside, so you get an app to validate yourself by seeing who thinks you’re a “super fine babe” (paying no attention to how stupid that sounds, mind-boggling). I don’t know if you have daddy issues or mommy issues, but if you’re on one of these apps you definitely have a set of love and confidence issues. These apps really present no connection, aside maybe from an odd hook-up 30 tries later. Why? Because congratulations, your social skills (or lack thereof) have only added you to some rando’s roster of potential late-night booty calls. Get a horse or something, stop feeding your data to a media company in hopes of “scoring a mega babe”. And stop sounding so stupid when you talk about your roster too, it’s not a good look.

The Collector’s Ones

After the more trending choices, we have Match.com, E-Harmony, Plenty of Fish, Facebook Dating and so many more. These we can refer to as the collector’s edition apps, as it’s mostly older people who use these. Of course when the big three fail you, and they probably already have, you can resort to these out of pure desperation. I’m not sure how these work, and I couldn’t care less, but if you have a profile you’re already beyond my help. I’ve heard one person (my age) in my entire life tell me they had a Plenty of Fish profile. Not a good look.

The Niche Ones

Obviously it wouldn’t be the internet without weird niche dating sites, for people to exclusively meet people exactly like them. Take Farmer’s Only, an exclusive redneck dating platform. The success rate is unsure, but the ads are certainly odd. I can’t really say much more, as I’m not a farmer and therefore the platform is above me. I’m just some regular Joe, who isn’t a farmer, and therefore average as can be.

The Down Bad Ones

These are what you use when you truly are “down bad” and in need of a “bae”. We have Craigslist, the missed connections section, coming in at a hot number 1. “Meet hot singles in your areas” is not far behind, with a very close second. Facebook marketplace, for some reason, still moving steady. What is wrong with you, world? What is wrong with you, pop culture? What is wrong with you, you sad souls using classified ads to meet people. Society is dying slowly.

Bonus: The One That Works

Meeting people in person, dummy. The only way you can spark a real conversation and actually get to know a person is by avoiding the platforms that normalize strangers asking for nudes, random booty calls, and disturbing pickup lines that make you feel highly uncomfortable, is by meeting actual decent human beings in an actual decent place. Just go to a bar, man. Go somewhere. But stop contributing to the weird outbreak of over-sexualized dating apps. It’s only making dating and personal interactions weirder for everyone. Want to meet a farmer? Go to a farm. There’s plenty, I promise you.

Well off to Bingo for me, the real version of Plenty of Fish. Good luck to you poor burdened individuals using these apps to meet people who are literally everywhere around you. Happy swiping, or whatever.