Honest, Vulnerable, and Weary

You see that person (man or woman) over there looking confident, feeling loved, radiating! They will call that person "empowered" and they will call that person a "winner". That person has it all and has it all going on. The perfect example of success. That person has a perfect body. That person has a perfect job. That person has a perfect spouse. That person has a perfect kid. That person has a perfect house. That person has a perfect car. That person has perfect clothes. That person always says the perfect words. Yes, that person is "empowered" --- Unstoppable, Unbeatable, Invincible! You know that person, don't you? You see them every day. You see them on tv, and you see them across the street, and you see them at the grocery store picking the perfect fruit in the produce section. Perfectly Empowered! Are you that person? Congratulations. I'm not. I'm the one they don't talk about, ever. I'm imperfect and limited. How do I know? Because I am totally at peace with my honest, vulnerable, and weary perception of myself and others for that mattter.

Snow. Smoke. Mirrors. Deception. What do those words make you think of? Illusions maybe? Are you an actor or an actress? Aren't we all? Do we write these articles for love, money, or to truly communicate a message that we believe the world needs to know? Have you experienced disillusionment yet? I have. Don't worry it's not permanent. Nothing is. Everything is temporary, even "empowerment".

Embracing the truth of "temporary" is what I'm holding on to for dear life at this time. It's been almost two weeks of excrutiating pain on my back, in my legs, on my neck, and in my hands. Why am I not writing a novel? Why am I not pumping out 3 or 4 articles and 10 poems and a chapter every day? Is it because I can't see the paycheck down the road? Is it because I don't get enough praise or feedback? No. It's simply because I'm not "empowered" - I'm just honest, vulnerable, and weary. While "that person" (the empowered one) is doing everything "perfect" and telling others how awesome life is and how awesome being "that person" is, I'm struggling just to get out of bed. I'm doing everything I can not to scream again in pain because I've already lost my voice. I'm holding back the tears. I'm telling myself over and over again that there is nothing that the emergency room can do for my invisible pain. And I'm embracing the word "temporary" because I know that my pain will not last forever. It's temporary. My time in school was temporary. My time working 9 to 5 was temporary. My time as a wife was temporary. My time as a loser was temporary. My time being "empowered" was temporary. It's all temporary.

I could talk about my pain in terms of angels and demons. I like talking that way because it's less vulnerable. It sounds more "empowering" if I say that "God has a plan" instead of "I'm the strongest, bravest person I know and I doubt many people could tolerate this kind of pain, let alone do what I do even while I'm in pain." Sure, go ahead, praise the producers. Those "perfect empowered people" pumping out the best songs, the best books, the best of whatever. But is their productivity coming from a wheelchair? Are they typing at a desk with a bottle of booze or some other drugs to deal with some pain? Or are they just blessed and gifted with natural health? You think they earned their health? How? Because they eat all the perfect food and do all the perfect exercise? I know of someone who does all that and was still diagnosed with cancer. Tell me again, what does it mean to be "empowered"?

It's all temporary. I am being honest, vulnerable, and weary. I am in pain. If I can get out of bed after almost two weeks of agonizing suffering, than I've done just as much as you if not more. You can call me any negative thing you want (lazy, loser, unmotivated, pathetic, whiner) to make you feel better about forgetting that while the "empowered" people are up being winners, so loved and so successful, there are some of us who are suffering and wondering when this temporary pain or temporary life will end so that we don't have to share a fake smile with your "success" anymore.

I was "that person" --- the "empowered" one, the "unstoppable" one. It reminds me of Rudyard Kipling's "If" poem. Don't shine too bright, they'll spit on your shine. Don't do this, don't do that. Do this, do that. Whatever they say so long as they call you "empowered" and "successful" because nobody wants to be an honest, vulnerable, weary loser.