I still think about Him. I can still hear his dirty jokes and his crazy laugh. I think about calling him or texting him when I have a problem or I need someone to talk to. He was my best friend and the only person who would tell me things straight up; no sugar coating.
We had been friends for many years when we decided to give ourselves a chance. When I met him he thought he had the perfect family: 3 wonderful children and a wonderful wife. Well, he thought she was. Until one day when he received a call from his daughter, he ran home to find his wife in the arms of another man. In his own bed and with his children in the house. What a b&@$! How could she do that to Him. How could she be unfaithful to her husband in their own home and with their tenant.
That destroyed him. It turned him into a zombie. A robot: wake up, work, eat, take care of the children, go to bed, repeat the same routine the next day. He came to me with his heart still in a million pieces. No one had tried to pick them up and glue them back together.
Loneliness had taken over me. I had become a slave of my work and my children. Locked in a world where love was no longer welcome. After my second divorce I no longer believed in anyone and I spent my days immersed in sadness and depression. I came into his life with 2 children, 2 birds, a dog and a hedgehog. He accepted me and my flaws, my 2 kids and my little zoo. I accepted him and his crazy dark sense of humor, his 3 kids and his cat.
Everything was perfect. There was laughter everyday. We took out the board games at night and spent hours playing and laughing nonstop. We went to bed watching Family Guy and laughed ourselves to sleep. We were all very happy.
He was a great caring and loving partner. My son and I got into an ugly car accident where someone died. It was very traumatic for the both of us. He was there for my son and he was there for me. He was the most amazing man I’ve ever met.
He had been complaining about having nasty migraines. He started to forget how to get to places he used to go everyday. He started talking nonsense. Sleeping longer than usual. He would get to work without brushing his hair. When he realized that something wasn’t right he went to the hospital and two days later he was diagnosed with a Glioblastoma multiforme. Glioblastoma is an aggressive type of cancer that can occur in the brain or spinal cord. It forms from cells called astrocytes that support nerve cells.
He lost the ability to walk, to eat on his own, to urinate. He lost many things, but he never lost the ability to smile, his unique sense of humor and never lost his ability to love. The nightmare lasted only 47 days. Days that were full of pain and tears, but he never lost the hope of getting out of that bed and walk again. He kept on dreaming
I lived and worked almost 2 hours from the hospital, but that didn’t stop me. I used to leave work, go home, feed my children and then go to the hospital to spend the night with him, then get up at 4:30 in the morning and do the same routine again. I never complained. On the contrary, I was happy to be there for him; and I was, until the last day.
We knew that the end was approaching. The doctor was honest with us and told us there was nothing they could do. The cancer was very aggressive and was destroying his brain at a crazy speed. I started to question God Why? Why, if we found happiness in each other after going through so much, would you take it all away?
My son told me one day after seeing me cry for hours: "Mommy, God didn’t get the two of you together to be eternally happy. God put him on your path to help you overcome the tragedy and trauma that we lived and put You on his path so that you would be his strength and happiness in his last days. Everything makes sense ma. Everything happens for a reason. Maybe it's not the reason we want, but it's the reason for the reality that we had to live." Those words from my then 15 y/o son opened my eyes and made understand God’s will.
He left on a Saturday morning without being able to say goodbye to those of us who loved him. That Saturday morning, along with him, many plans and dreams died. He left an immense void in the lives of his mother, his brothers, his children, my children, and in mine. Today there is only the memory of his laughter, his jokes, his radiant personality. Today there is only his memory and a grave that I haven’t gotten the strength yet to visit.
I know that with time the pain will fade away, just as in every sunset the sun goes down and the moon comes out in its place. But in the meantime, while that happens, I've decided to create a new life. With his memory still alive in me, but with my heart open to a new love. A good man, noble, hardworking and who loves me like nobody else.
He was very special, an unique being, but he was not the one God intended to make me happy till the end of my days. He was just part of the journey. My journey.