Here's the phrase to avoid when you're angry

Saying a certain phrase can be particularly damaging to your relationships. An expert explains why.

Anger is one of the emotions we classify as negative, because it disturbs and upsets us so much. Yet sometimes it's legitimate and healthy to be angry. It's our mind's way of telling us that a boundary has been crossed and that our deepest values have been affected. However, while feeling anger is natural, and you shouldn't repress it at the risk of damaging your well-being, you should also be careful about how you express it, as this can determine whether you solve the problem in question or make it worse.

"The most important thing in terms of the healthy expression of any feeling or emotion is to give it a voice, a name and to acknowledge it," explains communication expert and coach Stefanie Ziev. And there's one phrase in particular that Ziev recommends you never say, especially to your colleagues or boss, when you find yourself in a difficult situation that's upsetting you greatly. So what words should you avoid saying, and why?

"You make me feel that..."

In the throes of anger, we can all utter unfortunate phrases that will do us more harm than good. And because it's a strong, vivid emotion, we instinctively appeal to our feelings. Often, we'll say something along the lines of "You make me feel pathetic, incompetent or unprofessional". But that's exactly the kind of phrase that should be avoided at all costs, according to coach Stefanie Ziev. "This phrase is totally subjective. We all have our own emotional baggage, made up of our own personal history and experience, as well as our own wounds", explains the expert. Instead, she advises you to name the behavior that caused your anger and to describe factually what happened to you. "The aim is never to make it personal, as this can aggravate the situation in ways you hadn't anticipated," analyzes the coach.

For example, instead of saying: "You irritate me when you ignore my advice during meetings", say instead: "When you ignore the advice I suggest during meetings, it's hard for me and I feel belittled". With anger, be sure to take time to assimilate your emotions before responding. Note also that it's difficult to take other people's feelings into account when you're upset yourself. The wisest thing to do would be to withdraw from the conflict, if at all possible, until you've regained your composure. Releasing your emotions before verbally addressing the problem with the person you're angry with, can be salutary. Coach Ziev advises us to write down our feelings: "It can be a simple scribble or a swear word. The aim is to express everything you feel," she explains.

Expressing anger in a healthy, constructive way

Once you've relieved yourself of the burden of anger, and have had a chance to think calmly about how to resolve the conflict. The communication expert encourages you to follow these six steps for a constructive and effective exchange:

Define the objective of the conversation: What do you hope to achieve from the discussion, and what do you think would be the right solution for the different parties?

Raise awareness: Share with the other person how the altercation has affected you, without making it personal. Be as objective as possible.

Take responsibility: Take responsibility for how you may have contributed to the problem. Adopt a responsible attitude and don't just blame the other person.

Express your needs: Define what you'll need to move forward and ask for it clearly. To make sure you're understood, be as specific as possible.

Be cooperative: Ask them what they need to make things better next time, and honor their request.

End on a positive note: Acknowledge the open-mindedness it took both of you to have this conversation with an open and constructive mind.