Haze!

Walking by the riverside in the sunset light, a familiar warmth pounds in my heart. I try to hold on to it, but it is not how it works: as soon as you try to make it stay, it slips away. I used to think it was a special curse, not being able to hold on to the moments of pure beauty. Part of me still does, but the truth is not as macabre: you just need to learn to let go.

“It’s really beautiful walking here at this time of the day.” I say, gazing at the wrinkles on the water.

No answer coming back. Lately, you only resonate when we talk about the deep themes that always hover in your head, all the rest is white noise. I wonder if it has always been this way.

Keeping silence, even more so when I know we are not on our best terms, is one of the most uncomfortable feelings for me in the world. I try so hard to think of a good topic to open you up to, but my mind is like a drunken fly: buzzing everywhere and nowhere, no direction.

For every new step that I take, a little more anxiety drips in me.

“What are you thinking of?” I ask, not much hope in my voice.

What am I thinking of?

This sort of question does not work, yet is the only way that my mind ever knows how to phrase it. To you is the most general and impersonal question, to me hiding underneath the surface is a myriad of thoughts of care, hope, and despair.

We keep walking side by side, but we are not holding hands. Coming to think of it, I can’t remember the last time you took my hand during a walk. I can remember times where I have sneaked in and you let me stay, but not a spontaneous act from you.

“You know that asking this question doesn’t work.” You say, my heart skips a bit. You are not totally closed, there is a possibility to fix things.

I look at you, you look straight ahead towards the main square. Lots of I-s and lots of You-s, I wished I could say: we look at each other. I know you are aware I am looking, though. You feel in a position of superiority, often you do, and you are. I have been letting you down more and more lately, and it is my fault even though I still doubt that’s true.

Nonetheless, now is the time for me to take the guess. Thinking back on our relationship, we have had a few discussions. In these past two months, a few too many, and all with the same topic at the centre: I don’t understand you, and I don’t understand me. Both true, I have to agree..but isn’t that the truth to all? We are one, no one and one hundred thousand. None can ever really know us, even ourselves, because we only ever show bits of ourselves, and all the viewers are bound to experience through different lenses. All we can do is care to keep striving to learn. Oppositely, you believe without a doubt that you do understand, both me and yourself. And everyone else. What arrogance, and so dangerous! When was the last time you really listened to me, without thinking that you knew better?

As these thoughts wander in my head, anger and disappointment slowly find their way into my body. I cannot give in to these feelings though, I can’t construct anything from there.

“Are you thinking about our last conversation?” I ask, even though my mind cannot recall most of it. It has learned to haze all the painful memories, finding the thread has become a complicated maze.

I look at you again, you are still looking ahead but this time you are pondering whether to reply or not. It is not that the question is much better, it is just that you need to let it out. We all do, and I am glad that you still do.

Before talking, you take a long breath. Getting ready for what comes next.

“It is not just our last conversation, it’s what we always talk about. But it never seems to get to you. You take for granted that I will always be here to tell you things, and repeat over and over again things for you, but it takes a toll on somebody. All the times I let you in my thoughts, walk through all the details, I tell you exactly what it is and you just won’t pay attention.”

“But I..”

“No, you don’t. You don’t listen, you are completely oblivious.”

Always cutting my sentences, as if you know all that it is.

“I do listen, and I try - really try - to understand what you say. It is not easy, and you know it. We are in different ways: you think logically, I think with my emotions. And sometimes they don’t match, and you expect me to understand something that I cannot. I tried so much that I started doubting that there could be something missing, something wrong in the way I think. And you know it, and you take this so lightly.” I need a big breath, otherwise anger and disappointment will start prevailing once more, and then you’ll blame everything on me. I am tired of this game though, I will do things right. So that you’ll know that it is not all just me, me not understanding. It’s the both of us who need to improve, to become better versions of ourselves. So I take a big breath in. This simple gesture acts as instantaneous relief to my negative emotions. A simple but powerful mean to connect to the stillness of the moment.

“I am listening now, too. “ I finally say, as a suffocated whisper. “And I don’t want it to be like all the other times, I don’t want to end it in an argument.” I am a bit uncertain about my next line of thoughts, though. I know I need to get back to the original thread, the one that’s causing our troubles, but I cannot fully grasp what it is. I know that the main concepts have been the same for a long while, as the conversations: I don’t know how to communicate, I don’t know how to understand you. And in all of this, I don’t know who I am. I think that there is something different this time, though.

“So, please, tell me once more. Just without accusations, without unnecessary negativity.” I don’t know if I could take any of those anymore. It’s been such a hard fight, constantly feeling like I am not good enough and that every step I take could lead to disaster. My mistakes are always out in the open, scrutinised over and over from the same perspective, your perspective. You don’t seem to understand the effect this treatment has, even though I said it to you: I am as close to going full in, as I am to let it all go.

So I point my eyes at yours. Let’s see which one it is going to be.

“Isn’t it funny coming from you. The negativity is within you, nowhere else.”

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Here we go.