Have We Been Perceiving Love All Wrong?

Love is a concept that cannot be specifically described, defined, understood, felt, or expressed the same way for every individual. It has been a subject of fascination, poetry, and endless contemplation throughout human history. Yet, amidst its romanticized depictions and idealized notions, lie layers of complexity that often go unexplored. As we embark on this introspection on love together, allow me to share the intriguing facets of love that I have learned through self-love, although many may find it unconventional, all of our lives can benefit greatly from the lessons to be learned from it.

From the moment we take our first breath and make our presence known in this world, we inherit a life that is teeming with expectations, societal norms, and constructs for us to live by. Among this handed-down knowledge, the crucial lesson of self-love, which I believe to be paramount for our early mental and emotional development, is often not provided. Self-love is the foundation upon which all other forms of love are built, yet its importance is not well known amongst those closest to us and it is frequently overshadowed by the ideals of delusive family members, friends, fairytales, romance novels, media, and the entertainment industry.

Therefore, it is no surprise that many of us spend so much of our lives clamoring for external love and validation from others when we have not learned how to love ourselves first. I believe this plays an integral part in why many become sexually promiscuous, irresponsible, and parents very early in life. When we believe that the sources of our happiness, joy, and fulfillment in life are external we seek them out from other things and people in various ill-conceived and misguided ways.

Many of us seek to distract ourselves from feeling lonely by seeking temporary pleasure and satisfaction through dating, having spontaneous physical encounters, flings, or situation-ships with others we barely know and care nothing or very little about. Many of us daydream of finding that illusionary perfect partner or soul mate that will make us become truly happy and fulfilled. Many of us lie, manipulate, deceive, and hurt others by forming connections and relationships with them for superficial, misperceived, or self-centered reasons.

Those who consider this to be a part of their journey to obtaining an authentic and fulfilling bond with someone are sorely mistaken. None of these mindsets or habits will provide us with a meaningful long-term relationship that is comprised of love, happiness, and fulfillment that one truly desires. While we are on the subject, I beg you to ponder if is this the normal mentality and behavior that we should expect from others and if there is causation from the effect that social media and dating apps are having in the increase of people developing such unhealthy emotional and mental mindsets and habits in their lives with themselves and others.

I believe that many who have not learned self-love are prone to becoming emotionally and mentally fractured as they fail in their continual attempt at sharing love with others. Resulting in causing them to become more damaged and the ones who loved them to suffer fractures as well. This is a perfect example of the notion that hurt people hurt people, which in my opinion, is a cyclic pattern that has contributed to a profound detrimental impact on countless lives and relationships of people worldwide.

From my own and others’ experiences in love, whether wonderful or tragic, I believe that learning how to love ourselves can serve as a compass, guiding us toward self-awareness, self-appreciation, self-respect, authenticity, and acceptance. It is only when we embrace our flaws, have gratitude for our strengths, and celebrate our uniqueness that we can truly extend the same grace to others. Whether single or in a relationship… learning how to love yourself can significantly enrich the relationships we share with others.

Societal ideals and pressures have made many of us believe that we must find someone to share our lives with. That something is wrong with us if we’ve never shared a deep or intimate relationship with someone else. I find that to be very disconcerting and such ideals should not continue to be perpetuated by others in our society. Whether we choose to yearn for the love of another in life or not is completely and utterly a choice that we should not be made to feel uncomfortable about. Many of us have learned the saying that it is better to have loved and lost than to not have loved at all. However, I think it is better to have learned how to love, find happiness, and fulfillment within ourselves than to have externally sought them out solely from anything or anyone else in life.

When we learn how to love ourselves, we are better prepared to give and share love, in its myriad of forms, transcend the boundaries of romanticism, and defy the constraints of conventional labels. To realize that love is not confined to the realms of sharing passion or companionship but also can be expressed in the most unexpected ways. From the love of a friend who stands by us through thick and thin, to the love of a mentor who imparts wisdom and guidance to us, or the love of a community that offers solace and belonging. Each is a testament to the boundless capacity of the human heart. Love can shape and enrich our existence in ways both profound and unimaginable.

In a world where love is often celebrated and commercialized, it is imperative to peel back the layers and discern its true essence. Each of us carries a unique understanding of love within us, shaped by our experiences, beliefs, and cultural upbringing. To assume a shared understanding without first delving into these intricacies is to navigate blindfolded through our lives with heartaches, disappointments, scars, misunderstandings, and regrets. We need to contemplate the significance of understanding and respecting the diverse perspectives on love, as there is no one-size-fits-all view on it. To remind ourselves of the importance of empathy and open dialogue in forging compassionate and meaningful connections.

I hope everyone finds this introspection on the aspects of love from a self-love approach insightful. It requires deep self-reflection, introspection, and a willingness to embrace, and find comfort and fulfillment in being alone in solitude. Yet, I hope that those who endeavor to do so will find the same profound joy, purpose, growth, and transformation in it that I have found. I leave you with the words of the 13th-century poet, Rumi, who I believe fittingly captured the essence of love and self-love when he said,

"Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it."