Good Grief Part One

“The weird, weird thing about devastating loss is that life actually goes on. When you're faced with a tragedy, a loss so huge that you have no idea how you can live through it, somehow, the world keeps turning, and the seconds keep ticking.”

James Patterson, Angel

My mother passed away recently. While I knew I would experience grief and a sense of loss, I was caught off guard by the level at which the grief would cripple me. The thought of going on without my mother seemed so overwhelming; almost impossible. Yet life goes on. Time still passes. All the activities of living need to continue.

I had cared for my mother for five months before she passed, the last month being hospice care. We knew her death was imminent. I don’t think I have allowed myself to grieve, and in doing so, I became depressed. At my counselor’s suggestion, I started researching grief and how to get through it. So that is what I did.

What is grief?

According to the American Psychological Association:

Grief is the anguish experienced after a significant loss, usually the death of a beloved person. Grief often includes physiological distress, separation anxiety, confusion, yearning, obsessive dwelling on the past, and apprehension about the future. Intense grief can become life-threatening through disruption of the immune system, self-neglect, and suicidal thoughts. Grief may also take the form of regret for something lost, remorse for something done, or sorrow for a mishap to oneself.

We all experience grief sometime in our life. I have experienced grief several times during my life. My ex-wife and I lost two baby girls during pregnancy. My father passed away in 2010, and most recently, my mother passed away in February. Grief is a shared human experience.

What Are the Stages of Grief?

The five stages of grief are a model designed for helping terminal people come to terms with their own death. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross found this model to be so helpful that she soon adapted it for grief as well. She wrote “On Death and Dying” in 1969. The five stages of grief are listed below in no particular order. Working through the five stages isn’t necessarily a linear process. The five stages are Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance.

Denial

It is common in the early days of grief to feel emotionally numb. Others carry on the tasks of day-to-day life like nothing has happened. It is common to feel the passed loved one, and even hear their voice and see them. Feeling emotionally numb and just moving on with life is denial.

Anger

People tend to forget that anger is a perfectly natural human reaction to grief. It seems that everyone else going about life around them can be a trigger for anger as well. You may be angry with yourself if you feel like you left things unsaid or you could not be around much. You may even feel angry at the loved one who passed.

Bargaining

When dealing with the loss of a loved one, sometimes it is difficult to accept that there is nothing we can do about it and we cannot change it. People in grief start making deals with themselves and with God or your higher power. They believe that acting a certain way will make them feel better. People go over and over the last days in their minds, asking what-if questions.

Depression

There is a sadness and a longing that causes pain. It comes in waves and can be so intense it is crippling. Actual grieving can last for weeks, months, and even years. Life doesn’t seem to hold meaning anymore. The depression caused by grief can wreak havoc on your body, from not getting good sleep and eating less or more than usual, to not getting enjoyment from the things you used to. If you are feeling hopelessly depressed, this would be the time to reach out for help. A trusted friend, and trusted spiritual leader, and therapy are all good ways to get help.

If you or someone you know is speaking or acting suicidal, please go to the nearest hospital to get evaluated and to see if treatment is needed. There is no shame in getting help with depression while you are grieving.

Acceptance

As stated above, grief comes in waves, and it is easy to feel like you are drowning. Gradually the pain eases. You can think about your past loved one and even smile. Everyone grieves differently, and grief still pops up once you have worked through the stages of grief. You start to accept the loss. It may feel like your world will never be the same, and it won’t. A profound loss changes people. In this stage, you can learn to live again while keeping your lost loved ones in mind.

Thank you for reading my article on grief. I know this process all too well, and I am just now in the acceptance stage. I hope you learned a couple of things from this piece. In Part 2, we will discuss self-care during the grieving process.

I am sharing an article by my friend Rick. This article is a great piece and goes hand in hand with what we are talking about. His piece is from a male perspective and is featured in the Vocal community “Men”.

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