God's Application for Job

Dear Sirs,

I am writing in order to be considered for any senior managerial position which may currently be vacant in your organization.

I feel, with all due deference, that I am well qualified for any position which may eventuate, and that I have the ability to adjust to new situations and challenges as needs arise.

I have perused your generic application forms and will attempt to answer them as best I can.

I would be most grateful, however, if you would take the trouble to read and respond to this application, UNLIKE MANY OTHER EMPLOYERS.

The employee shall demonstrate creativity in the position –

This is my forte. In fact, I wrote the book on this subject, but unfortunately it has unwittingly caused much controversy. You may have read it. I called it The Bible. I have not written much more over the last two thousand years as I have little to add to what I consider my magnum opus (note: I am quite good at Latin).

You would like a person who can delegate

I have been prepared to do this in the past, but it has not always turned out well. I sent my only-begotten (I’ll explain that later, it’s a long story) son on a delicate mission some time ago. By and large it was a successful mission which worked well for thirty-three years. He is remembered fondly by a great many people, but my own sense is that he has never quite forgiven me.

This leads me to another point, that of training, and it is here that I have excelled. I have had many acolytes, disciples, followers, call them what you will, who have responded in an enthusiastic and positive fashion to my tuition, whether in written, oral or intuitive form. Their message, by and large, is the maintenance of good order and discipline by leading morally-based lives. Their real personal ambition, I believe however, is to become just like me.

Do you have a good personality?

Just ask anybody. I don’t just love everybody. I am love. In fact, I am passionate about love, and I believe no-one does it better. It is true that in the past I have been prone to fits of rage and vengeful destruction, but in the past two thousand years I have concentrated on a gentler image.

How do you think you are seen by those below you in the chain of command?

They worship me.

Can you recall taking a decisive action which produced a positive outcome?

It was in the old days, when word came to me that people were behaving in an abominable fashion. This was in the old city of Sodom, the name of which has been immortalized in their sexual practices. First I sent them warnings, and when they took no notice, I let them have it. I called it Divine Retribution. I wiped them out, smashed and flooded their city and killed the lot. And that is why, to this day, that particular abomination is no longer practised.

What do you consider your finest achievement?

I have always considered that endowing mankind with the power of rational thought has been my greatest achievement. However, this has not always been a happy experience and has had some unfortunate consequences.

In one conundrum of rationality, one is asked “If a tree falls in the forest, and no-one is there to witness it, did the tree really fall?” My problem is that I am the forest but no-one is aware of me. People see only trees. I feel that I am beginning to doubt my own existence, and feel therefore that a little practical experience would be beneficial.

Contact

Should you wish to contact me concerning this application, I am always available and am omnipresent.

Yours Sincerely,

GOD.