Forgotten

Humans have been dependent of affection and intimacy when the time is right, when the atmosphere is right. It is second nature, it is a new form of communication towards another as a sign of liking this person, as a form of leveling up to the lands of monogamy. Up to the boundaries of forming a fully fledged relationship.

It always starts with holding hands, then the kisses, the embrace, the caress, and up to the point that our bodies became one in a bonded link that can be difficult to break. And that part is very dangerous because, if sex can be used for the wrong reasons, it can derail a woman's into madness. Even there's cases that a man can be drawn into madness as well. That's when marriage is a safety barrier against it, believe it or not.

I have been single almost all my life. I have a share of excitement, the soothing words, the look in their eyes, their hands touching my cheekbones, kisses on my thick, voluptuous lips, feeling their warmed hands in mine, hearing their comforting words of "never leave you," "I love you," "I miss you." My intimacy full of contouring to their expectations of how sex should be like, trying to let them stay, trying to make them content, trying to make them come back for more leftovers. It seems as I was losing myself in the process. Not enjoying my own femininity, and have to set back to absorb more of their madness, of their selfishness than how I should be treated. It became apparent that they just wanted to have what their other significant other didn't want to even dare to do. And I lost my glow overtime. I lost my zest for life that my face was noticing tiredness along with glimpses of giving up.

Having a time out from the lack of dating or companionship is manageable. For two years, I have been isolated fully avoiding all types of situations that could make me draw me back into a relationship that the man could benefit from. Learning to do things that I enjoy is sometimes frustrating, tiring just as starting a engine in a old beat up car. There's a little bit of hope and a little bit of optimism that I could find my voice, somehow, somewhere. Listening to my own voice, shouldn't be easy, but it can be done. For the price I pay could be worth it.

But old habits are hard to break. And lessons to be applied. Where every time I see a couple holding hands, or embracing in a heartfelt, honest and emotional hug, my hearts aches. When they kiss in front of hundreds of people who somewhat are minding their own business, my feelings of inadequacy covered up as envy and anger visits me. Even in their time of intimacy, when the man look at her with lust in his eyes willing to give everything to the woman that he loves, I want to be that woman.

Instead, I'm lacking affection.

Instead, I'm turning into a time bomb able to explode at any moment. My irritability is as normal as no matter how I stay my cool, there's always people and situations that make me lose it. Going alone to places or restaurants lose my interest as video games and solitary confinement make my life better. When I stay away from online dating sites because it is a waste of my precious time waiting to see if I catch something that doesn't have a baggage or a fine print that makes me question myself, I feel relieved. But on the other hand my loneliness has been a part of my routine and it slowly has been leaving me, not because of the amount of people, but because I don't want to be bothered with it.

During the Covid, I have been busy the best that I could. But so far after the lockdown has been lifted, I feel invisible, to be worn out. And in those moments when I needed a push to go forward, I have been more thinking of moving away or withdrawing from it. Because as soldiers of life, we need to have a moment of peace, clarity and affection. When we have been given a word of encouragement, a pat on the back, a realization that we're not on this earth to be robots it gave us a purpose to keep on living and thriving. There's moments that I wanted to feel like a human being, more than that, I wanted to feel like a woman. But what I got are nothing but broken promises, heartbreaks and crumbled dreams.

Women who lacked affection from months to a few years changes their mood, their spirituality, their feelings, even their health. Skin Hunger is the lack of physical gestures of affection. A person who doesn't feel a hug, a kiss, or holding hands can be more prone to health and mental issues, facing loneliness and isolation. Lack of affection makes me feel unloved, makes me feel rejected, forgotten and the older I get the more of these feelings hits myself with violent fury. It tries to shatter my confidence and my self-esteem every time, when there's no one who can talk to or interested in getting to know me it always craw up to me like an unwanted pest. It is real. It is scary and if it's not treated, it could be fatal.

As approaching my mid 50's, I will suggest this: Give a woman a honest hug. Give a woman a listen, talk to her, respect her, don't play games. If you don't want nothing to her, leave her be!

To the ladies: Don't get busy trying to cover your faults, your vulnerabilities, your weakness under the rug. You're NOT Wonder Woman! You're a human being able to multiply what ever you touch! Don't let the lack of affection in your life, your bitterness, your irritability, your loneliness, and your anger, your bad experiences in love and relationships destroy what you have left of yourself.

Hoping for one day someone will be looking out for me. To the point that one day I will be able to hold hands with, is the purpose I want to achieve in all my life and it's not the time to give it up at all.