First Date with Yourself

March 20, 2021 is the International Day of Happiness. But what do you do when you have recently experienced a loss? It’s hard to celebrate happiness when something has just happened to make sad.

Last night, on the eve of International Day of Happiness, Rosie’s long-time boyfriend came to her house and broke up with her. She sat in his car and cried. She asked why, and was met with insufficient answers. Just like that a future she dreamed of, a future she had been working so hard for, a future she truly thought was hers, was taken away. It was taken away without warning and without discussion. The person she thought she was going to spend the rest of her life with, the person she loved and trusted, was just giving up.

It’s the middle of the pandemic so this was different than other break ups she had experienced. As she opened the door to her house, she felt numb with shock. She had been working from home for almost a year, and her boyfriend had been the only person she was regularly seeing from the outside world. She had already been feeling isolated and lonely, before this break up. She couldn’t go see her friends and go out for drinks, because there were restrictions. She couldn’t go to an exercise class, because there were restrictions. She didn’t feel safe going into a mall to shop, because she had seen reports in the news of them becoming overcrowded.

She was so overcome with grief, she lowered herself to the floor and called her mom, sobbing about all the things she didn’t understand. All the unanswered questions. All the what-ifs. What if it hadn’t been a pandemic? What if she had communicated clearer how she was feeling? What if she had tried harder? Why was life so unfair?

Her mom tries to raise her spirits. People are already starting to get vaccinated. Soon it will Rosie’s turn, and then she can go out and do things. Soon she will be able to see her friends and family. When that didn’t work, her mom tried to talk some logic into her. He had just shown up and given up without communication. He never communicated issues or tried to work through anything. That wasn’t something Rosie should want in a life partner. On some level, Rosie knew her mom was right, but that didn’t make it hurt any less.

Still in shock, Rosie finished the call with her mom, and tried to make herself sleep. Sleep wasn’t something that would come easily when her whole world had just been torn apart. The foundation she had relied on so heavily to get through the pandemic had just collapsed. She tossed and turned, her brain going a hundred miles an hour. She felt so frustrated that her gut didn’t tell her this was coming. She had been truly happy and thought they had been happy together. She was so wrong. How was she supposed to ever trust herself or someone else ever again?

After sleeping maybe three hours, and laying in the bed thinking for another four, Rosie finally decided to get up and get to work on the next steps. She pulled a box out of the cupboard and got to work on gathering all the things he had at her house. She put all his tee-shirts and socks in the box. She grabbed his sunglasses and his hat, and added it to the box. She closed the box and set it to the side. She would arrange somehow to give it back to him in the near future, but needed to do so without having to talk to him further.

Next Rosie opened up her Amazon account, and decided to order new sheets for her bed. She didn’t want to sleep on the same sheets she had shared with him. She had been wanting new sheets for awhile now anyways, so decided to treat herself to some real silk sheets.

At this point Rosie was on a role with getting things accomplished. She didn’t want to discuss what happened with anyone right now, so decided not to call and tell any of her friends yet. There was a long list of things that Rosie had been wanting to do for awhile, and she decided that today would be her day, her first date with herself.

Rosie decided to start her date day with some yoga. Her boyfriend had never been a big fan of yoga, so she didn’t do much yoga when he was around. She searched some videos on YouTube and then followed along on her yoga mat in her living room. When her yoga was done, she sat on the mat and thought of the next thing she wanted to do.

She grabbed her phone, and searched tattoo parlours nearby. She had been wanting a tattoo forever, but had never put in the time to go and get it done. Her primary focus had always been this relationship and her career, and she would often put things she wanted to do aside. She found a tattoo parlour with an opening later than afternoon, and booked her appointment. Tattoo parlours were allowed to be open for appointments at this stage of the pandemic, with health and safety protocols in place.

After a nice relaxing shower, Rosie got dressed in a cute outfit. She did her hair and make-up for the first time in months, and put one a mask. She got in her car and drove to the tattoo parlour. She had hardly been anywhere in over a year. She hadn’t gone to get her hair done, even though salons were open, because she didn’t want to get anyone sick. She had been especially concerned about being exposed to the virus and getting her boyfriend her boyfriend sick.

On arrival at the tattoo parlour, she reviewed the health questions posted on the door. She went in and spoke with the artist. She handed him a card from her late grandma. She was going to get her grandma’s writing tattooed on her wrist.

An hour later, she exited the tattoo parlour and got into her car. She stared at her tattoo. Her skin was red, but she loved seeing her grandma’s writing when she looked down at her wrist. She gripped her steering wheel, momentarily stung by the fact that she her grandma had met her now ex-boyfriend before she died, and she had always thought her grandma had met her future husband.

Wiping away a tear, she started the car and drove back to her house. She immediately got to work on rearranging several rooms. She just needed a change. She changed the location of her bed. She changed around her living room. She moved the location of her coffee maker in her kitchen.

It was now dinner time, so Rosie decided to order a steak from a local restaurant. While she was waiting for dinner to come, she drew herself a nice bubble bath. She soaked until she received the text that her food was left on her front step for contactless delivery. She got out of the tub, wrapped herself in her robe, and ran to the front door to grab her food.

She sat down at the kitchen table, and ate a bit of the steak. She didn’t have much appetite, but she made herself eat several bites of her steak. She knew she couldn’t force herself to eat if she wasn’t feeling it, so once a third of the steak was gone, she put it in a container in the fridge for later.

Finally, she went to the cupboard, and opened a bottle of merlot. She never really drank wine, but really wanted to treat herself tonight. This bottle was a gift from her parents when she graduated college many years ago, and had been sitting up in the cupboard for a few years. She had been saving it for a special occasion, like a moving in together or getting engaged, but today was kind of a different kind special and was something she thought needed to be celebrated. While she was heartbroken and still devastated, she knew should not only be accepting her new reality, but celebrating what limitations were now being lifted. Limitations she never let herself notice, or never admitted to herself. So she poured herself a glass of the merlot.

In her robe and slippers, she padded into the living room and sat on the couch. She didn’t turn the TV on just yet. Instead she took a sip of her merlot, and smiled because she realized for the first time in the year since the start of the pandemic she truly felt at peace. She knew there would be more tears to come, but for now she sat quietly, enjoying her wine and her own company. And what a coincidence that it all fell on March 20, 2021, the International Day of Happiness.