Finding Yourself After A Toxic Relationship

It can be so easy to lose who you are when you are in a toxic, controlling, and/or codependent relationship. When I was younger I tended to lose myself in any relationship, molding to who I was with. When I was in a controlling extremely codependent relationship I completely lost who I was. I lost what I truly loved, what I valued, and what I really wanted to do with my life. When I finally ended that relationship I was incredibly lost.

I was so unsure what I wanted to do with my life. I didn’t know what I was looking for, what would make me feel whole again, or who I really was as a person. I had really lost who I was as a person before that relationship. I had been broken down, my interests had been ridiculed, and I had lost the ability to be truly independent. I didn’t know what my day to day life would look like apart from work. I had no idea what to do with my free time because all of my time had been taken up by my ex and his needs. I lost what my needs were and what my life was going to be.

Things started out very bleak. I was sleeping all day, I was just going to work and coming home, playing on my phone, watching The Office and going to bed. I had no idea what to do. I slowly started deciding to make an Amazon list of what I wanted my dream room to look like. I wanted to start doing things I enjoyed again, and I wanted to try things I had never tried before. I slowly started to realize that I had so many opportunities to rediscover myself.

I started painting again, I started using my cricut again, and I started drawing again. However, my self esteem was so low that I hated literally everything I made. I thought everything looked like trash, and I just slowly lost my steam. I started writing blog posts and I felt more confident doing that so I continued to write. I then started working out and going for walks and runs outside since I was finally able to do that. My confidence started going up a bit.

Through the months following me slowly starting to rediscover myself, I started to take back some of my other old hobbies. I started reading again. This was something I had tried to start doing previously but I never felt that I had the time to truly appreciate the book. I was always rushing through the pages trying to get through the chapter. I finally was able to really deep dive into books and get immersed into different worlds again. It made me feel like I was a kid again. Reading has always been something that can just transport you into a different space, and a different mindset depending on what books you’re reading.

I started weight lifting again which I had only done one other time in my life. I started to gain self esteem again, I wasn’t focused on burning calories, I was focused on feeling stronger and making my body look the way that I wanted it to look. I wanted it to look strong, and I wanted to feel strong and confident. I started going for walks to keep my mental health in good shape, and it was always a great time to clear my head. I started doing yoga and stretching.

I finally started meditating. Something I never thought I would enjoy. On a good day, I meditate twice a day. I will meditate once before a workout and then once before bed. I have never felt more positive, more happy, more connected with myself. I have been able to be much more in tune with my emotions, with my thoughts, and even with my hunger and fullness cues. I’m able to really tap into what I am feeling and I am much better at communicating my thoughts and emotions now than I ever have been.

It honestly has taken a very long time to get back to who I feel like I’m supposed to be and I think there is always room for improvement and there is always room to grow. I am starting to want to do things that scare me. I’m signed up for a surf lesson which is something I have always wanted to do, and I am also signed up for a snorkel trip. For those that don’t know me, I have always been terrified of snorkeling because I hate the mask going over my nose. However, I’m ready to do things that are way outside of my comfort zone and I am honestly so excited to see what else the world has to offer me. I feel like I’m on the verge of creating the life I have always wanted. I am so happy I took that step over a year ago to break through the horribleness that my life had become and start learning how to be independent again.

Finding yourself after being knocked down over and over again is one of the most challenging, stressful, liberating things I have ever experienced. So many times I have thought that I should just give up these new hobbies, these new endeavors, or new experiences because they’re scary. Then the real me pipes up and says “Hey, no. It’s time to start doing the things you have always wanted to do. Get up and go explore.” Over time the nervous voice is getting smaller and quieter and slowly going away. It’s one of the most freeing experiences I have ever had in my entire life.

Yes it is so scary, but it is so worth it.