Relationships After Trauma 1

As I’ve previously posted about, I was in a toxic relationship for 3.5 years. Throughout that, I learned a bunch of unhealthy habits and behaviors that led to the eventual destruction of the relationship and of my identity, self confidence, and self esteem. When I finally got the strength to leave and be on my own again, I had no idea what to do. I didn’t know how to function on my own, let alone in a relationship. I went through a bit of a hoe phase (no judgment, shit happens) trying to distract myself from the crappy mental state I had dragged myself into.

Then, it happened. I met a decent human being on Tinder and haven’t looked back. He seemed so genuine in his bio, and adorable in his pictures. We went to dinner, and we talked about life and Disney tattoos (swoon). I was infatuated very quickly. We went back to my apartment, he met my mom and her best friend, he’s a trooper I know, and watched Saving Mr. Banks. We were pretty inseparable after that until he went on TDY (work trip for the shipyard) to California. It was amazing, except I was deeply scarred from my last relationship. I let him know everything that happened, that I was not my best self during that relationship and that I never want to go through that again. He was incredibly understanding and so supportive.

We’ve been together for over a year now and we’ve definitely had our ups and downs, and let me tell you, it’s been great. It’s also been such a weird adjustment. I was used to constant fights, no trust, things being thrown, always being on edge, all the good stuff. Now, I’m in a relationship with communication, love, support, and understanding. However, my brain (up until recently) has been wired to react in anticipation of anger. It’s caused many problems but I’m so thankful that my boyfriend has stuck by me through the times when my brain freaked out for no reason. He could always understand why my brain had jumped to a conclusion that wasn’t really feasible in my current situation. Especially after I would walk him through my thought process.

When you go into a healthy relationship after a traumatic one, it is incredibly difficult to adjust. If you decide it’s time to get into a relationship, the biggest thing I can tell you is share your story with your new partner. Let them know what you’ve gone through, areas you struggle with, and make sure they are willing to stand by you and support you through this growth and change. There will be a lot of growth and change throughout this process. I’m still growing all the time, I’m changing constantly, and I’m glad that when I start falling back into my old ways I have my boyfriend to fall back on, and he pushes me to be better.

No matter how long it’s been, unless you have really worked on your mind, even then, there will be things that will pop up when you get into a healthy relationship. I remember my boyfriend and I had been dating for I think 2 months maybe, and his phone was face up on the bed. My dog was excited and got close to it and instinctually moved it out of the way. Why did I do this? My ex would flip if any of the animals got close to his phone screen because god forbid there’s a scratch on his phone. After I did this I just stopped and stared at the phone. My boyfriend asked what was wrong and I didn’t know how to put it into words so I said nothing. I did end up talking to my mom and best friend about it that night and later I spoke to my boyfriend about it. It really made me realize that I had been practically brainwashed. I was trained to cater to all of his needs, all of his insecurities, and it had been ingrained in my brain.

I’ve also experienced this during fights with my boyfriend. When he was in California, there was a guy friend of mine that wanted to hangout with me. I asked my boyfriend if that was okay. I wouldn’t have even mentioned a guy in my last relationship that I wasn’t related to because my ex would’ve immediately accused me of cheating. My boyfriend told me that was okay but he wasn’t comfortable with it so it was up to me. I literally froze. I actually told him that I had no idea how to deal with this. The guy friend had been interested in me so I completely understood his reservations about it. I started crying because I had never had any kind of freedom, I had never been trusted before, and I was so confused. I ended up staying home because I didn’t want to do anything to make him uncomfortable, but it was such an eye opening experience. I had no idea that I was so used to the control and the distrust that the freedom to make a simple decision was shocking. I told my boyfriend that I realized I really didn’t know how to operate in a healthy relationship anymore and that he would have to be patient with me while I maneuvered this new territory.

I also previously had not been allowed to hangout with friends and I hadn’t been allowed to go on vacation with my mother. Yes you read that right, my mother. When I got with my boyfriend I was terrified to ask him if I could go on a trip with my mom. When I realized he was a rational human being that got much easier but I still get a little uneasy asking him about me going on a trip with my mom or a friend. Not because he has ever given me reason to, literally just because that’s my body's natural response to that situation. After dealing with trauma and mental abuse for so long my body is in a constant state of fight, flight, or freeze. Every question used to make me nervous. The longer I’m in this healthy environment the more used to it I get, but it’s such a big change my brain is caught off guard.

I tell you these things because it’s nothing to be ashamed of if you’re still dealing with a little bit of PTSD from a past relationship. It’s fine if you need a little extra help to get through everything. I’m incredibly grateful to have my friends, family, my boyfriend and his family. They have really helped me get through that horrible part in my life and helped me adjust to what a healthy relationship is. You will need people around you that are willing you support you and be patient with you throughout this whole process.

There will be times when anxiety and flashbacks creep up on you. There will be times where your mind thinks you are right back in it. In these moments, the biggest advice I can give you is to ground yourself. Take some deep breaths, run your hands under some cold water, pick out everything that is blue in the room. Any tool that you have that will bring you back to the present moment will help you get through it. Communication is also incredibly important in these situations because unless your partner, or your support system, knows what is going on, they cannot help you. You can say that you need a minute to process but you must communicate your needs and your thought processes. Even if you have to write it down, do anything you can to convey your thoughts, feelings and needs to those around you.

With the proper dedication and support system, you can and will readjust to being in a healthy mindset again. You will relearn what it is like to be in a healthy relationship, or maybe you’ll be learning it for the first time. Either way, it’s going to take a lot of time and a lot of effort. It is possible.