Finding the New Me

"I'm a different person compared to the person I was this time last year."

I was talking to my best friend the other day and we got on the subject of how this year has changed us. That we are realizing that the version of us that we've always known is changing and evolving. I won't speak for her and her experience as that is her story to tell, but her is mine. I hope whoever reads this can relate in someway, and it reminds you that you're not alone in how you feel.

What really got me during this conversation was truly realizing that I still feel stuck as a younger version of myself. I am grasping at straws trying to hold on to this girl because she is all that I have ever known. There have obviously been minor changes I've noticed about myself over the years. But as far as my core interests, things I do, the way I feel and for the longest time friendships I kept in my life all represent a past version of me. Change is hard for me, and letting go is even harder. I realize now though that not all change is bad. The girl I used to be was beautifully broken, and I will always love her. She will always be apart of me.

"Music is my life, the lyrics are my story."

This one is something so hard for me to admit, and I honestly don't think that I've talked about it with anyone. A major change that I've noticed this year is my love of going to concerts. Ever since I was 8 years old I've been going to shows. I've been to more concerts than an average person will probably attend in their life time. For so many years I enjoyed it, I would show up early just to get in the front row, just being at a concert felt like home. In 2019 alone I went to 30 concerts at least. Thankfully considering whats going on now.

Anyway the change I've seen is that I don't enjoy them in the same way I once did. I still love music, I love discovering new bands, even promoting my favorites. But as far as live shows go, I feel like I am moving on from that part of my life. At this point I've seen most bands I've always wanted and some multiple times. I am very thankful for that.

The reason this is so hard for me to admit is because this is something that me and my dad have done together. He still loves going, he would probably live at a venue if he could. We've had so many good times, and I guess I am scared to lose that. But it's also not fair to him for me to keep going if I am not enjoying my time there.

If you've been following my recent posts, or just know me in real life then you would know that weightlifting was everything to me. This time around in my fitness journey though I am realizing that a lot of the workouts I didn't like before, I actually like now. Mainly cardio, I know it's crazy coming from me. I am also finding that as much as stretching hurts, I enjoy doing it, makes me feel better and relaxed. I'm also finding that I want to get into Yoga, and also rock climbing. I won't start off with real rock climbing, I'll go to one of those in door places first! What's so crazy about wanting to rock climb is I remember years ago a cousin of mine telling me how much he enjoyed it and I just brushed him off. But I think for me there is a deeper meaning now.

I feel like I'm I am in one of the darkest places I've ever been. As cliche' as it sounds I feel like I am slowly climbing out of the darkness. I think doing something like rock climbing could further help me with this process. It will show me patience, and that no matter how hard things get I am stronger than I think I am.

It's hard for me to really explain how I feel, which is why I always turn to music. I found a song called "Paralyzed" by NF earlier this year and the lyrics in this song explain exactly how I am feeling right now.

"I'm paralyzed, I'm scared to live, but I'm scared to die

And if life is pain, then I buried mine

A long time ago, but it's still alive

And it's taking over me, where am I?

I wanna feel something, I'm numb inside

But I don't feel nothing, I wonder why

I'm in the race of life and time passed by"-Paralyzed by NF

I'm slowly learning the person I am becoming, but I feel lost and numb at times. I burry a lot of my emotions which are now coming to the surface, even as hard as it is to face I know I need to deal with them to truly let go of my younger self.

As life goes on we will continue to change, and become different people. Just remember that no matter how scary it feels you're not alone. Remember to love each version of yourself, no matter how hard it can be.