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Find Me in Others

An Excerpt from My Mind

By Nicole FennPublished 5 years ago 3 min read
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In a Sea of Green—Photo Taken by Me

In the beginning, there's always an overwhelming sense of happiness and bliss. You meet via online or in person, and the heart always thumps while the palms sweat in a nervous gesture of a half-ass hug. Gripping the shirt on their back slightly to test the motion of the hug, how strong they grasp you in return as if to not let you go in that moment. That first moment. You had talked for a while with them before this meeting. Hesitant to meet in person, worried that this wasn't going to be the same off-screen. It ends up being better and you talk for much longer than anticipated. But it doesn't faze either as the breakfast menu turns to lunch and the cup sitting in front of you two has been filled one, two, three times. And you down it each time. This is fun, you haven't had this much fun with one person in a long time. The conversation changes and flows, talking about anything and everything. Finding so many things in common; so many things to agree on and few to disagree. The diner doesn't kick you two out but you two leave anyway to explore the area. It's a grand time. Palms still sweating as your hands find each other. Lips touching just slightly as you wave goodbye. Recognize this? A first date. Once that turns into multiple, and each time just gets better and better. Both people getting more comfortable sharing secrets, valuable time and energy. You see hope, after so many failed attempts at love. However, just like all the other times, this one falls through as well. And it hurts so much more each time. Each person that leaves, flicks off the feelings like a light switch that leaves you hanging and wondering; what went wrong? What happened for things to change so quickly when just a week before, things were perfect? Weeks after, you're fighting with yourself. Do you start all over again? Take some time to yourself? You want to but, seeing all the couples walking about hand-in-hand you realize that you desire that as well... what are you doing wrong? You're crying in your room one day, strutting down the sidewalk the next. Believing yourself to be too good for anyone, yet desperately wishing someone would notice your capability for something more. While you try and forget the past, you realize you can't hate the man. There were reasons, ones you don't want to believe, but they are there. And you can't forget him. You spend hours looking again, then ashamed of yourself. Focus on you, focus on your needs and hobbies and health and passions. But it seems as if social media is mocking with these posts and photos of perfect couples with undeniably perfect goals and interactions and vacations. All starting you in the face with a smug grin; reminding you of what you lost and don't have. As the weeks go by, you stop crying softly before you go to sleep. You find yourself paying less attention to couples walking hand in hand along the street. You're not ashamed to ask for a table for one at your favorite restaurant while adorning the outfit purchased the day before with the full intention of self-pampering. As the weeks pass, you forget about that desire to be with a partner, to share life with someone; only glancing at online dating apps only to become bored after 5 minutes. Your confidence grows as you browse, knowing only what is best for you. But the desire to look for him in every other guy, every other person, will not fade, although you're sure that he will not find you in anyone else.

breakups
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About the Creator

Nicole Fenn

Writing has been a passion I've only been continuing to grow with over the past several years. The inner-workings of my mind produce many topics of interest from simple daily insights to fictional and non-fictional shorts stories. Enjoy!

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