Feelings

I'm getting those feelings again. You know the ones. The ones that leave your heart racing like a Formula One car in your chest, the butterflies fluttering like a storm in your stomach, and a goofy grin plastered on your face as you find yourself giggling like an idiot over that one special person.

I'm getting those feelings again. You know the ones. The ones that leave you wanting to talk to them constantly, look at them all the time to admire every little tiny detail of each individual feature, and hear about every minute detail of their day.

I'm getting those feelings again. You know the ones. The ones that leave you anxiously watching your phone for their next text, counting the minutes until you can see them or hear their voice again, waiting with baited breath until you can touch them and feel their skin against yours again.

I'm getting those feelings again. You know the ones. The ones that having you saying F*CK in increasingly loud increments every time you realize you've got that goofy grin or those butterflies or that racing heart again.

I know those feelings well. I know those feelings mean my walls are coming down. And I know it never ends well when those come down, especially as time has gone on and those walls became more and more fortified each time they went back up. Those walls coming down means you have worked oh so much harder to tear them down than the last person did. Those walls coming down means it will hurt so much more when things inevitably don't end well. I know those feelings end in heartbreak and pain. I know those feelings end in a lonely sadness that I don't want to experience again.

I've heard people say that they love hearing their partner talk about the things they're passionate about and I have never really understood that to be entirely honest. I've loved partners before but to be quite frank they usually bored me whenever they talked about things they were really into regardless of how much I loved them or loved seeing them so passionate. But with him, I could listen to him talk all day long. And I would be thrilled to engage in that conversation too. I want to hear all of his stories, ask him all the questions, give him more reason to keep talking. Just because I like how he is when he talks about these things.

I hope this means that my feelings are really real this time, through and through. And I hope he feels the same. I hope this means he's it. I don't want to keep trying, my soul is tired.

I like how he treats me. I like how we are together. I like that we laugh and can be silly. I like that he matches my energy. I like that I'm comfortable with him. I like that I've been more open with him than with anyone else before. I like that he makes me happy. I like that he wants to know about me. I like that he makes me feel like a priority. I like that he's got a good head on his shoulders. I like that his values align with mine. I like that he respects me. I like that he has big dreams and I like that he's chasing them. I like that he remembers the random little things about me. I like that he's attracted to me even when I look and feel like a bridge troll. I like that he doesn't judge me. I like that he engages with me and listens to me and actually hears what I have to say. He feels different than all the others, in a good way.

I'm getting those feelings again.

And that absolutely terrifies me.