I hate how you made me feel and I hope you take that feeling to your grave
I hope karma finds you
In all honesty, I really thought this last week or so has been a huge turning point in moving past this stupid breakup. I obviously had some more time for reflection and it kind of hit me out of nowhere that maybe my own subconscious was telling me that it wasn't something that was meant to last. Earlier this year, about a year into the relationship, a friend of mine had asked me about my ex: if he asked me to marry him right now, would I say yes?
For someone who has a notoriously terrible memory, I very distinctly remember not immediately feeling that surge of excitement over the thought of marrying you. I looked back at that conversation (text) earlier this week and my exact response to that question was:
Idk, I think there's a good chance I would. Let's be real, I've been over the dating scene since before I even started dating lol. He's a catch, my family loves him, we've had zero big issues so far, he's basically the male version of me. I feel like the only reason anyone would ever say no in that situation is if they're like a serial dater and eternally just wanting to find something 'better'.
Looking back, that immediate hesitation in the moment should have been a sign, I think. People who are in love with someone, people who are at the start of a new relationship with someone they love, they don't just have that immediate hesitation and that "logical thought".
But for all intents and purposes, I was happy. Minus the intense depressive episode that wasn't seeming to go away at all, ever. I liked the life we were building together. I liked the comforts of our routine. I liked you.
And despite that little shower thought, I was watching this show earlier and one of the storylines in recent episodes has been a couple going through IVF treatments to have a baby and it hit me that maybe there is more of a chance than I thought of me wanting to have kids after all. And it also hit me that I feel like you may have ultimately taken my choice to have kids away from me.
Most of the reasons why I was unsure about kids in the first place are related to my own fears, of irreversible changes to my body, of not being good enough, of making mistakes, of something going wrong or the child not being healthy. I'm also scared of getting excited and hopeful about having kids and then not being successful. I saw the struggles my mom went through my entire life, trying to lose the "baby weight" that lasted 10+ years and the horrible metabolism and weight loss issues she gained after that. I already have a lot of trouble losing weight successfully, I don't want the same troubles she has had my entire life. I don't want to end up at 300 pounds and unable to enjoy life, hating mirrors because I don't like what I see looking back at me. Most of the women in my immediate family have also had trouble with fertility and I'm scared that that could be me in the future too. And I'm also entirely too aware of the fertility "clock" constantly ticking down for me as a woman.
That's why I would have been a lot more open to it with a surrogate, so at least some of my fears could be alleviated. Instead of meeting me halfway and working with me to calm my nerves or compromise, things I would expect from a partner, even in things that are "big" like the decision to have children, I feel like you, this person who was supposed to be my rock and my support and stick by me through everything took my fears and turned them back on me, used them against me as reasons that we're not compatible anymore, like some kind of ammunition you needed to build up just to have an excuse for why you don't love me anymore.
And I'm not at an age where it's going to be easy to meet someone, get to a comfortable point in life with them, and still have time to realistically start planning a family without a lot of difficulty and increasingly heightened chances of pain and heartbreak. I can't say my feelings on starting a family have fully changed, but I have never been 100% dead set on not wanting kids and I hate that I feel like I may have lost my chance to do so with someone I cared about because you decided that my uncertainty was set in stone, because you decided that meeting me halfway with a surrogate was too uncomfortable for you to even consider, because you decided that my uncertainty was worth more in your decision making process than my value to you as a partner ever was.
What hurts more than anything else though is that you made all of these decisions without me. You decided that how you think I'll feel in a year, three, or ten is what will happen. You decided that because things weren't changing fast enough that things would never change. You decided that we couldn't work out our differences because you didn't want to try. You didn't give me a single ounce of a say in a decision that will literally impact every aspect of my entire life moving forward.
I was building my entire life for the foreseeable future around you. Around your desire to move out of this state. Around your desire to find a better paying job. Around your desire to be in a big city. I don't want to be here much longer either, but without you I have nowhere to go. I have no plans, no end goal, no anything. I don't have a fallback plan if things don't work out by myself. You were my rock. My safety net. My guard rail to keep me from falling over the edge, from ending up in the abyss by myself.
And what angers me the most about all of this is how you reacted after I vented my frustrations to you about how you handled our break up. Sure, I could've bottled it up. Sure, I could've vented to someone else. But someone else isn't the person who hurt me, who completely upheaved my entire life, who abandoned me. After you decided you were through with me, having spent weeks if not months mulling it over on your own, giving yourself time to come to terms with it and lose your feelings for me all while I was in blissful ignorance struggling to get a handle on my own depression, you had the f*cking nerve to get upset with me for having feelings and for venting to you without taking your feelings into consideration?
You lost your right to be upset by that when you took the reins on that decision without any kind of forewarning or communication with your partner.
It looks like you're having as much luck finding better employment in a bigger city on your preferred coast, with an affordable cost of living, as I'd expected. So don't be surprised when I give you a big, fat, obnoxious I told you so. I've already got it locked and loaded. Just waiting on the right moment, because frankly, I've lost all the f*cks in the world over whether I'm being petty or trivial or obnoxious about this. Because when I love someone, when I love my partner, I have open discussions and I communicate about my goals and I support their goals in a way that makes sense, is logical, and has the best chances of success for them. You just think diving in headfirst will get you where you want to be faster without a thought in the world about how you'll ever survive making $40-50k in San Diego, now living on your own because you've discarded me like I'm just another used cigarette on the curb. So when that reality hits you, and I hope it hits you like a god damn freight train, I'll be there to whisper I told you so. Hell, I might even shout it from the rooftops. Because darling:
You won't hear me whisper in the big cities.
Honestly, I wish I could tell you all of this to your face. And I suppose I could if I wanted to, but it won't do me any good anymore. Nothing is going to change between us, and I don't think you even care enough to empathize with where I'm coming from anyway. I'm not even actually sure that you ever did really.
Despite my bitterness and resentment toward you, I don't actually dislike you. I don't wish harm or ill will on you either - just karma.
About the author
-Losing myself one day at a time, picking up the pieces as I go. Welcome to my mind-
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