February 8, 2021

Dear Diary,

Good Lord Almighty!! Bestie really showed his ass this weekend!! As long as we have been “talking” and this stupid fuck can’t answer a simple, do you want to be in a relationship with me question. After 20 years he’s telling me that he can’t answer that question. I mean he literally changed the whole damn topic on purpose. I asked him if he liked me to where he would be in a relationship with me and his manipulative narcissistic ass goes it’s a nice day outside hu? I was like what the fuck? He really wouldn’t answer the damn question. I have been asking him that question for the past 5 years and he does the same dumb ass shit every time I ask him. Like why is it soo hard for him to answer that question? It’s a simple yes or no!! Then he always wants to try and come back at me with some other shit about him giving me money. It should be clear to him that after 20 years, his money is not what I’m looking for. I don’t even ask his dumbass for money like that. He said it like he just hands it over to me. I could ask him for $20 and I wouldn’t hear from him for a week. Then what is he asking me for, SOME FUCKING ASS!!!! Like Tyrone… IF YOU DON’T GET YO ASS OUTTA HERE LOL!!! I loved Bestie with all my heart, and I tried but he doesn’t want a relationship with me. At least not the type of relationship I’m looking for. His ass wants me to sit around and only have sex with him but I can’t get any intimacy, care, love or any type of emotional support or cuddling. I doubt he’s even really attracted to me like that. I’m sorry but I’m not gonna be his hoe for the rest of my life. I don’t want to be his fuck buddy for the rest of my life either. I wasted 20 years waiting for a man that never cared for me, was attracted to me or loved me in any type of way. If his dumbass did, HE NEVER EXPRESSED IT TO ME. The only thing he has told me is I care about you and that’s only when he sees I’m hurt or crying. THEN, while I’m crying he says ok soo are you ready now? This dick really asked me if I was ready to have sex while I’m emotionally torn apart. That has got to mean he really doesn’t care about me any type of way. He just wants to have sex with me and that’s all. Like what type of bitch raised this piece of shit? Why did my stupid ass stick around the bullshit for soo long on a wish? I may never hear from him again because I told him I don’t want to have sex with him anymore because I want to be in a committed relationship. I would like to be married and I would like to have children of my own, He doesn’t want kids and clearly, he doesn’t want to be with me. I just ended it. I don’t want any closure because he’s given me all the answers I want and need. You see, It took me a long time to realize that I never ask him for money and he never really gives it to me either so I really aint missing anything but a person to fuck and talk shit with. I can get the same thing but with some truth and caring. Men need to stop opening a woman’s heart without the intent of taking care of the content inside. For years bestie has known the way I feel about him and now I see that he has just been using that to get what he wants. I won’t be that stupid anymore that’s for sure. I’m gonna miss the hell outta him because he was my friend. But there’s no better feeling than the feeling of a person wanting you to be around romantically, spiritually and professionally. It’s about building a life with someone and growing with that person. Helping each other reach goals and prosper not only individually but together as a whole. Bestie doesn’t want that with me and that’s what I want to accomplish with a man. Hopefully, I can have someone who cares, loves and adores me. Someone who thinks I’m pretty and wants to be around me. Someone who wants to travel and go places with me. You know, a man who wants to be married as well. I hope he’s out there. Anyway…. Imma Holla Atcha!!!