Family Quarrels - Inevitable, but Harmful to the Child’s Development

Family quarrels are difficult to avoid: different people, with different needs, desires, and expectations, live every day in a confined space and constantly clash with each other. In any family the atmosphere is not always harmonious - it is practically impossible!

But it is important to know how to control the emotions that flow when an argument starts, to know how to stop the quarrel in time, and to communicate after this harmful outpouring of negative emotions.

The quarrels in the family take two forms: the quarrels between the parents, that there is whatever you do because in any couple there are misunderstandings and the quarrels parent-child, from which, also, you cannot escape.

After all, usually, the gap between generations is big and the perspectives, expectations, desires differ too much. Family quarrels are therefore normal, but often the situation gets out of hand and can become extremely harmful: both for the parental couple and the children.

What are the negative effects of family quarrels:

Quarrels between parents.

As a couple. Frequent quarrels, especially when it comes to impulsive and uncontrolled outbursts, which do not lead to any solution or any positive result, have the effect of cooling and distance spouses.

If you feel that you can no longer communicate properly with your spouse, if you feel that he cannot understand you and an argument can come out of nowhere, then the relationship has started on a risky path that only leads to emotional distancing and, finally, the indifferent.

Parents quarrel, children suffer. But quarrels between the two spouses do not only affect their relationship and their couple. For children, especially until puberty - when the group of friends becomes important, parents are a role model and a landmark, a solid stone that they can cling to.

Frequent quarrels that children witness (even if they only hear them) create an insecure environment, a feeling of fear, and are a major stressor.

Family quarrels affect the future of children. A child who hears or sees his parents often arguing loses his trust in him, in the family and will have problems in the future in establishing a relationship based on trust, respect, harmony.

Aggressive behaviors are taken over by younger children and as a model in life: children raised in aggressive environments will often behave similarly in their own families.

It has been shown that a tense family environment greatly affects a child's mental balance and social skills (even as an adult). Any quarrel, even just a silent state of tension, is perceived by children and affects them! So you don't have to hear them screaming to be affected: children are extremely sensitive and perceptive.

The child feels guilty. Often, if parents often quarrel, children can blame themselves for this situation - moreover, they feel powerless, powerless, because they cannot intervene. He may think that is the reason why you are arguing (children are also self-centered and think that everything is related to them) which can lead to isolation, self-closure, depression.

Children who are frequently exposed to quarrels can retreat into an imaginary world where they imagine that everything is beautiful: a risky reaction because escaping from reality affects the ability to adapt to real life.

Parent-child quarrels.

Inevitable, but controlled. The most important thing about quarrels between parents and children: you can't completely avoid them, but you, as an adult and a parent, must learn to control yourself! No matter how nervous, sad, disappointed you are, no matter how much you feel the need to turn emotions into impulsive outbursts, it is necessary to learn to control yourself and set an example.

First of all, your child or teenager will be more impressed and will listen to a calm, stern, and strict tone of discussion rather than hysterical screams! Yes, you will be nervous, the child will do forbidden things, you will argue - but learn how to approach these quarrels.

All you have to do is control your emotions and impulsive reactions, speak calmly and sternly and try and listen. If you scream and insult, the child will do the same and will not want to listen to you, but to challenge you!

The effects of frequent parent-child quarrels. Of course, if he is wrong and your reaction is immediately to scream, criticize and punish him, the relationship will cool down and the child will distance himself from you.

Young children, but also teenagers do not react well to quarrels, especially screaming: he perceives the situation as unfair. He may listen to you for a moment, but he will make plans to defy you. If you do not know how to keep calm and explain what bothers you, then you easily lose respect and affection.

Stop trying to understand everything! Parents often make a mistake: they argue with their children, especially teenagers, because they can't understand them and because they keep trying to do so!

Remember that the differences are sometimes too big and that you do not always have to understand your child, but try to understand the difference and accept it! You don't always have to understand why he wants what he wants - rather think if what he wants poses a risk to him and if not - he accepts!

Model. If you can only have a tense relationship with your child, don't give him an overly effective parenting model! He may also have problems communicating with his children in the future (but he may as well manage to avoid the mistakes you have made).

There are no perfect parents, just as there are no perfect children! It is good to accept from an early age that you will have misunderstandings, that you will do various bad things, and that you can avoid this (authority, rules, and strict control will only lead to even more intense rebellion). So, don't try to overprotect, control your child, but try to be a role model for him - just the way your parents want you to be.

Some tips when family quarrels break out:

Avoid arguing with your spouse in front of children. When you have a misunderstanding and you know you might be upset, go back to your room or even go for a walk. Try as much as possible to keep the children from witnessing. In addition, after each quarrel, try to come to a solution and a reconciliation - because if you stay tense, children feel.

Keep calm. Although it is extremely difficult when a family quarrel breaks out spontaneously and violently, one must still be somewhat rational. Try to be that one as a parent: take a deep breath, eventually leave the room for a moment, calm down, and stay calm - he can set an example.

Calm down. Both in quarrels with children and with their life partners, a calm, low, and severe tone has much better effects than a sharp, hysterical, uncontrolled tone. You impose yourself and say what you have to say, moreover, you are more likely to be listened to!

Don't be offended. No matter how nervous/nervous you are, no matter how ugly your child or partner talks, try not to negatively charge the argument with insults. These hurt more than you realize, especially the little ones.

Defensive/offensive. Often, in family quarrels, one is offensive, the other becomes defensive. Try to avoid being one of them: don't defend yourself too much and don't attack too much! Keep your balance and try to speak objectively, as if explaining the situation from the outside.

No aggressive actions. In family quarrels, they have nothing to do with aggression on others, but no other aggressive gestures: throwing, slamming doors, etc. These only increase the tension, maintain it, and make it difficult to find a solution.

Solution. Every quarrel starts with something and is not over unless you try to find a solution. At first, the spirits may be too hot, but if you try and learn to stay calm, the others will calm down and then you can solve the initial problem.

With children, although sometimes you have to punish them, first try to find out why they did what they did, how they feel, and what they think would solve the situation (that's when you can talk to them).