Fake Love

This is the story that just happened to me and I hope that maybe you can see something and give me feed back. I feel like my stories will help as I will post many types of stories in the future. Please enjoy.

So today I am starting this is December 19 2020, we are coming closer to the end of a year that put us all into a survival mode that we were not prepared for. Many of us lost loved ones, lost our jobs, had to ask for help that many were not ready for. We discover the joy of the Tiger King and how to use Zoom and how we are able to come together more using social media and technology.

For me this year I found love. But that love didn’t last the whole year. Here is my story up to now about what I went though.

Now this story started back in December 7 2019. When my mother who I was very dependent on died. Now at this time I didn’t realize how dependent I was on her because it was normal. I was taking care of her all year in 2019 because she was diagnosed with colon cancer on Easter of 2019. Now I thought my life was going to get better like my mother but when she died that changed everything I had to step into a world that she had shielded me from for far to long.

Now I’m 32 years old when she dies and she as I know now was a very over protected narcissist woman. At the time I didn’t see it because being the only child I would do everything to make her happy and put my own happiness to the side because I felt she had to come first and this was far before she was sick and I was stuck in that mindset.

But after she died she did set me up a bit better then I would like to think but it was also not good that there was no living will or a set up for how this money was to be spent so I did what many many other people that are depressed and don’t know what to do I filled the void that was missing in my life by shopping.

I tried stopping even went to therapy but even that didn’t help it made me want more. And so I filled this house with things that gave me a small amount of happiness for a short time.

So then I wanted to be with someone now we are coming into February and March of 2020 and I wanted to find love. I hadn’t really had a relationship since my divorce and I wanted to get back out there. I looked and I found Mr. Keith. He was not the most perfect human he had is issues but the conversations and our interest were all the same. So I came to love him and he moved in a few months after meeting him. We talked about the future and made plans to get on our feet have good stable jobs. We saw the kids and thought of their future together it was perfect, except we couldn’t agree on the house. Now since I was still morning my mother, and it was so hard to still be in the house she lived in and have to go through things on top of the stuff I have bought coming in I needed someone to hold my hand and that was not what I got.

The relationship went down when I kept asking for help with common rooms. The bedroom, the kitchen, the dinning room even the living room where places that we couldn’t agree on and he would say “do what every makes you happy” but the problem is that I didn’t know what made me happy and I still don’t. Because I was hoping he would at least lead me out of the dark hole and help me clear the path, or in this situation the house.

But then I finally got a job a stable job not a temporary one that had not clear future. And I was excited and well the only hard thing was it didn’t start till December and I was out of money completely but he was living with me and working and besides the mortgage of the house and my car payment I asked him for help on the house. Which he agree but when looking a the budget he gave me it was hard to get the things we needed for a human family of 3 with 2 that visit and 3 animals. But I didn’t my best to keep us going. Make sure we are fed and warm and things keep going. I even called in favors and paybacks from friends that owned me money everything.

But yet I was feeling like I was getting pushed aside and I hated that but I did appreciate that he helped us during a time that it was very hard not just on us but him to but that was the issue we started become in us and him.

They say a woman emotional detaches before she decides to break things with a man she loves. But his time I was not detached I as very much in love and saw my future with this man. Until the day I really needed help not just physically but emotionally.

I was diagnosed many years ago with Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) and I have been able to keep it under control for the most part but its very random of what will happen. During the time I was with Mr. Keith there was as week I was so depressed I was thinking of how hopeless I was and worthless even to the point of feeling of taking my life and it scared me.

Now this is just one thing I think about but then when I’m worried about being late or losing something I fight I become angry and this day the day I needed him to be understanding was the day he was not.

I had just started the job I was waiting for and I was so excited to start things were doing well but it was also the first day my son had to go to a babysitter that was not normal for us and change can bring a very high anxiety for me. On top that I had to go into an office during Covid-19 that also worried me and I was a good 45 min drive away so if anythings happened to my son I was an hour away. So this also got my anxiety very high. Now I came home Tuesday night and things seemed fine till I walked in to my son crying because he was frustred with how Mr. Keith was helping him with learn to read. Now he has seen him cry before when he tries to learn to read and I told him to just have patience and let him calm down during this time. But instead it seem like Mr. Keith was not up for dealing with it as much as my son. Now my son was in trouble already because I had found he had lied, and it was a bad lie that I was going to have to deal with once I got home. But I didn’t need more on top of everything so when I got home I noticed dishes were not done and got pissed. Now I don’t have a major trigger that just happen to be it today. Now Mr. Keith said not today and he would deal with it later again I have not really calmed down I was just told to “shut up” initially.

So the next morning Wednesday morning is when things blow up. Now I went into major chaos mode. I saw a sink full of dirty dishes, a dish washer with clean dishes that I had put in there days before. And dirty dishes on the counter even the oven had nothing but dirty dishes and I could bairly have a small area to even make my lunch and I as using the same little bento to help me. Well I blew up I started kicking a stole that my son didn’t put away and my anxiety kicked in. Now Mr. Keith was asleep at this time and woke up because of the noise I was making and asked me what is wrong.

I started to go off that there was no room on the kitchen and no dishes had been done and the dishwasher hadn’t been emptied and I had a mountain of dishes in front of me that I couldn’t even get to the faucet to clean my bento. I was so worried about being late because when you have a 45 min drive and in this part of Arkansas you don’t know if I-40 would have a bad accident that would keep you backed up. And I only had 15 min to spare for any delays I may have come across. Now I was thinking of losing my job the job I had waited for because I was in training and could only miss a day and not get fired and didn’t want to use any of these Points we get at work because I’m a mother if something was to happen to my son I wanted to make sure I was able to have that day.

So in a nutshell in my mind I was going to lose everything.

Now to him he started asking questions and I will tell you right now I didn’t hear anything except “I don’t need this today” and “maybe I should go to johns” this was all I heard I didn’t hear “you going to through a relationship away over dishes” which later he said he asked and I answered with “I don’t care.”

I cried all the way to work because of reassuring me everything was going to be ok i felt like I was pushed aside and I didn’t matter. I cried on the way to work. When I got to work I tried to stop and texted him to let him know what happened with me and he told me that he wouldn’t talk to me over text and would call me when he was able to.

Now this day he was to work 2 jobs and I usually never saw him on these days and then the next day he would sleep after the other job to get rest that he needed since they were long days.

Now I let him get his way. I was very upset because I realized how little he cared about what I was going through. How I felt of how my mental health was really on high at thee time.

Now before I continue I would like everyone to know that Mr. Keith is Bi-polar but this made us perfect because from my point it made us understand each other better because we couldn’t control ourselves when things were bad. Now I know I was wrong.

Now I get home after picking up my son and I let him know I was home and he calls me from his second job. Now I know there are many people our there that will agree when you have a major fight the last thing you say when wanting to work things out is say “I’m moving out”.

Yet this is exactly what he said to me. I asked him why he was moving out and the answer was “logistics”. I still didn’t understand because we were to pay the house off together we were to live together none of this made sense to me.

What made me mad is he did something that an ex boyfriend did to me and this one cheated on me. He still wanted to see me but use me to get what he wanted. This pissed me off more then anything and my love for him was easily erased at this moment.

He wanted to move out because he was starting to work full time at his second job because he was let go from the other. But because of this he felt like moving back to his friends house was better. Yet he wanted to go back like how we started dating.

To me this was a no go. I was not going to be used as just a place he came to rest and see his kids because how was that fair to me I was working and having to drive a long way. I was thankful my job was finally getting us set up to work from home so I didn’t but I was not going to be used. Just because he had his feelings about what was happening and I got no say.

That was even worse when you have someone that as a partner your to work together. You are to talk and decided things together but to him he made the choice on his own without talking to me and I was not going to be in a relationship where is as used.

So I ended it. Now the drama got worse after he turned my phone off disconnecting me from my son I was thankful I was able to get a baby sitter set up for him before this happened. But the worse thing was what he called me and my son after. Mr. Keith had no problem calling me a “cunt” after this “stupid” “lazy” even to the point in insulted how I had sex and kissed him. Then for my son he called him a “psychopath” “retarded” and “crazy”.

This was enough for me to completely see him for who he was and that was nothing but a small man with no love for me and my son and didn’t care one bit about us and was using us this entire time.

Now my son has ADHD, Dyslexia, and now he has eye issues. But my son has one of the biggest hearts and more empathy for so many people that don’t even deserve it.

So I was happy to end it but it did make things hard and I am still going and hope to still keep going as well as keep you up to do with my story on here.

So as I go forward I am going to get things together I’m worried about losing my car any day now but I’m also looking at getting a new car because this car was one my mother left me and it was not the car I wanted so I feel Ike I need to keep going and pick myself up and I’m learning fast and make big choices but I know I can do it and keep going.