F*ck Patience

I will be the first to admit I'm the most impatient person probably to walk planet earth. While I like to joke about being the most impatient person I've ever met. I'm coming to realize that being patient is actually sometimes a good thing. And as much as I hate waiting for things; (Especially food) I'm learning that maybe I need to be more patient. I'd like to take you back a little bit to a few years ago when I became single. I was absolutley broken and I couldn't see an end to the pain in sight. While it was the BEST thing for me to end that relationship I was still impatient about the pain ending.

I'm about to get very candid here for the sake of both helping someone else and telling my story. I'm not using it as a crutch. I didn't understand why I was in pain for so long, I just wanted to have the happy ending I deserve. I wanted to meet someone and move on. I wanted to find true love and forget about the idiot who abused me for 6 years straight. I wanted to find my rainbow. I wanted to be happy. I deserve that. After many nights of tears and panic attacks, I came to this realization only recently; I realized that while I do in fact deserve a rainbow I need to heal more first. As much as I would LOVE for the healing process to be over, I have to realize that it takes time. The relationship I was in was extremely toxic and I suffered a lot of trauma from it and still do. I need to learn to love myself and unlearn all the shit that was said to me before I can love someone else. That was the hardest lesson to learn. I need to be patient and let things come naturally.

As my new favorite singer Trevor Halls says "you can't rush your healing" and as much as that guts to me to my core, It's true. I hate waiting; I'll be the first to admit it. It's been 2 years and I'm still not healed. And while part of me is over it and just wants to stop healing and move on. And another part of me doesn't understand why I'm not healed yet. I also understand that this shit takes time. It sucks big time, it hurts a lot but it takes time. I guess when it's all over I'll be grateful. But right now I'm kind of over it. I'm over the healing process. I'm over waking up in the middle of night terrified, I'm over not believing people when they compliment me, I'm over pushing nice people away because I'm afraid they're lying to me and have an ulterior motive. Those are only a few of the things that I deal with. It's really sad. But I'm grateful that I no longer have to deal with my ex. I'm sure I'll be okay someday, But right now unfortunately I have to wait. I have to wait untill this crap is over. I have to keep trying to heal daily. Is it exhausting? Absolutley! Do I want to give up? Totally. But I haven't. I haven't because for some reason I keep thinking that if I'm patient enough things will fall into place.

Maybe if we all learned patience, the world would be a better place. The world is so on demand and things are availale at our finger tips. Maybe we need to slow down and be fucking patient.