East End Love

I've gotten to a point where all the details are blurry. But theres one factor that i see, an old gold brown honda civic. I see it in my head and hear his voice, - he reminds me "I'm crazy". I hope i know what im talking about, my eyes don't lie right? My memory cant be that faded, so many people have that car. In my head that car is what i associate all the trauma with.

When life gets heavy, I need to be reminded I'm alive. A walk does just that for me, I feel the heavy Toronto air, the ground under my soles, I see the lights and smell the breeze. It was once a sacred therapy for me, and now I'm scared to walk outside, im scared to be seen.

It was still a little warm out. I smoked a spliff and still felt down so i knew a walk was needed. I was wearing grey jogging pants, pink slippers and a white crop top, my hair was straight that day. So with eyes low and my body and mind tired I walked out my moms house and on to the main road, I was gonna walk to the park and sit for a bit. Up the street, some houses down I walked by as a girl was getting dropped home in a car full of guys. Obviously my first thought is "Lmao look at this whore" then I reminded myself I dont actually know her and she could be decent. Of course the minute she gets inside the car pulls up beside me and the cat calls begin. Being who I am I completely ignore and continue walking I remember hearing "Why you walking at this time by yourself?" I didnt respond and someone else went "It's over a nigga it's always a nigga" That got me to stop and finally look at who in the world had that much audacity. The car was full, yet they wanted me to get in??? Take the place of the girl they had JUST dropped home? The walk was to clear my head and the total opposite happened. I was almost near the park but they finally drove away and turned on that street so i took my self home. I felt like even worse than I did before the walk and as i went to bed i thought "who was that, why bother me?".

A couple months later i posted my snapchat on my instagram story and a couple of people added me. But what caught me eye was one who started posting pictures of himself, I was like "Yes re-up". See previously I was "talking" to a guy who went to school in the states for ball and I hadn't seen him since summer, I was sending him money for food and pictures for his mood. Then my classmate told me he was calling her as well but she didnt go to the lengths I did so I kept my mouth quiet and my anger to myself, I had just stopped talking to him and was ready to get over it. So I started talking to J and he was charming to say the least and I made sure to match the energy, and judging by his pics of course he wasn't what i just had and i was so excited to meet him.

The day finally arrived. I remember thinking "Dress as white as possible so he knows from now, you not hood". So the whole street car ride im going "what if im not his type? Why am i really going over here? Bitch you better not fuck. Bitch do not fuck. I mean at least wear a condom if you really want to. And have lots of fun please its been months" Meaning by the time i got there i was ready to take advantage of this poor boy. I knock now and he makes me wait - I counted - SIX MINUTES AND THIRTY SECONDS. And like a thirsty bitch I waited. Mind you the minute I walk in two of his friends are there so now i put on my good girl face.

One of his friends looked so familar and gave me a chill, same friend preed me the whole time. Yes this is how beautiful i am. I was high when i got there and all we did was get higher and i made sure to let him know i wanted it. I was still tense under his friends gaze. But the minute he left, so did my manners and his.

I was shown off like a little trophy and as much as I liked it, I hated it. His snap name was so repulsive, bredrin... Do you think you're slick? But I was high and been wet since before I arrived. I knew he would give me what I wanted. I can't even remember our first time, that's how high i was. I just remember me screaming in the dark, he was so rough. I like to try and match energies though. I remember making him give me his chain and him telling me to stay in the room. He was mad when i left, LIKE PEE AFTER SEXXXXX DUH! I was now high off dick as well as my bestfriend mary jane. So I was ready to go. Chain around my neck and everything I'm walking towards the elevator. I knew I could've left with it but of course I had to be extra and look down smirk at it and touch it thinking "Only good pussy does thissss" he snapped me back to reality and made me return it before I left in the elevator.

I left and was giddy, it was a good night. Then I turn around and this fucking lunatic is out in the cold in shorts and slides talking bout some " gimme back my chain. " Til this day that is the most vulnerable he's ever been with me, i had to calm him down, he was visibly upset, trust issues visible, pain evident, eyes dark and sad.. I think that moment was the moment that started everything truly, that was the moment I got a feeling I've never felt before. I was calm- not like me, I was patient, I was gentle- I was loving. I just wanted him to get back inside he needed to know he was straight, that he had everything that belonged to him, he was fine. I don't remember getting home that night but I remember falling asleep and holding my pillow for the first time ever like I was holding him.

We ended after a long day spent together, a day when neither of us wore a mask and our demons got the best of us. He hadn't talked to me in a couple of days and after what I just went through I did not trust him, especially after he decides to now use a condom. So we're chilling and I'm just angry -looking at him like " you think you fucking smart you piece of shit i just wanna kick your face in" So i took it upon myself to get annoying until he felt the same anger I felt. He snapped, hand around my throat paging me snap. I decide it's best to get my shit together and leave, tears streaming down my face. He sits me down, wipes my tears and makes it clear he doesnt want me to leave and we can do anything I want. So I stay and decide I want nothing more than to be cross faded. So of course he gives me what I want. When he stops giving me what I want I of course do a 360 and show him what i've been holding in for hours. See when we rekindled the first time he says he just wanted me to get home safe i was already drunk, and that i could come get my bottle tomorrow. The bastard made me order my own uber if he really wanted me home safe he would have taken care of it. I thought he invited other girls and were gonna t up off my bottle. I may ACT dumb but I'm as calculated as the coldest muthafucker in any room. Kicks, punches, and insults werent enough to keep him away. I wrote a letter drunk and I wish I remembered what was said. But I feel like beside the banger that I dropped on the gram he had reasons to come back and one was that letter.

Seems regular right? I promise you it's more corrupt than that. A month since we parted, he was on the bus while i was going to school. He tried asking me how I was and of course I ignored him because I was horrible and missed him so much, I was so angry with him and myself i couldnt bare to look at him or talk. I left school early that day, after arriving late. I told my teachers i was going through personal things and just wanted to get my work and go. Yes take it in, on the bus in the morning as im going to school. He told me he worked down the street but, i already knew he liked to creep.

See I found out how he got my snap. He didnt have a public instagram at the time, I knew him so well I found his very sercet page. He never replied but I knew and til this day I will always know when it's him. Like a couple summers ago i was heading home on the bus late at night and there again was that old honda parked in front of where i had seen it drop that girl off. But when i got off the bus, it moved, parked in a different spot and all i felt was " I know you." I hurried home, constantly looking over my back, I did not sleep that night instead I wondered what J was doing.

I started getting messages on instagram by random accounts, I was going through alot. Moving, new job, new friends high out of my head. See no one would have known how vulnerable I truly was unless you were watching. I answered a instagram call and remember how familar the background was. So I talked to the "unknown" friend like I would J, and he loved it. You see when crazy meets crazy two things are certain; crazy and drugs. The things that were said to me on those accounts haunt me. I remember going to sleep excited to talk to my stranger friend. Then I thought it best if we talked direct, so i called and called- he never answered. So I did what else i could to be numb without him and that was get high. I got crazy high and drunk until one night I said fuck it all called again, texted. But he only likes me on instagram, then he replied and I spent the night. We started facetiming alot and I got hopeful. "Maybe i'm tripping. He's not mad at me, he wouldnt hurt me. He barely cares he doesn't want control over me.No way it's actually him on those accounts. Maybe he's right I'm crazy. " Then i got drunk again and hated him so words where said and like the beginning of the end- lobster was eaten.

I spiraled faster than ever after that, i wanted nothing but numbness. So I got what I wanted of course. Until one night I had to feel, and after everything I only allow him to make me feel. So I begged, I begged for him and yet again he gave me what I wanted. I was coming down that night from a really bad high, the high where you dont remember a thing. His friend dropped him off in that old brown Honda I hated. Seeing it during that comedown I felt everything clicking, he had targeted me years ago.I felt so certain it was him watching now. That night he told me things he knew about me but I never once told him or showed him, the chill that went through me was ice cold. It was my turn to be in control, it's like he felt me drain him this time. I needed him though, I needed the one person I knew was higher, had more pain and loved being numb more than me. I needed his energy, I needed to feel in control. So I cancelled his Uber to work the next morning and he wasnt too mad at first like he knew I knew the truth. But he picked up some of my energy. I'm all about don't say a word until you need something to hold over someones head.

I flew away and thought about him every night, cried about him all day and laughed because I was becoming and ESL teacher. I even found our old picture and pleased myself to it. That's when I decided it's about time i call. He answered, looking just a little happy to see me. And my attitude changed remembering a few things he said to my face " "'ll be here til you push me away. Live your life." So I did that again, proudly. And I continued loving myself and the freedom I felt cos I knew no one from back home was around. Then I made the choice that my life back home was better and I couldn't stay away I wanted my life in Toronto, I didn't want a start a new one I wanted to build off my old one.. I wanted J. So I booked my flight home, texted my mom and started getting ready. Then I called him- and he didnt answer. I remember thinking "I don't need this." I walked to the beach drew our names in the sand and cried and pleaded to the Ocean Gods to wash it away if we were not meant to be, wash us away so i can start new. They only washed his name.

As i type this i get the same feeling i had then, I am not that person who fell in love with him anymore. Once I arrived home I focused my energy on my career path. Christmas came quickly meaning he was on my mind heavy. So I sent him a text and I got back a call, again I was invited to celebrate his birthday with him, that year i attended. Sick literally and tired from work I quickly shave and shower throw on some clothes and leave. I missed him so much and I wished he wasnt so wishy washy so I could of spoiled him like I've been wanting to. Instead I decide to turned my snob on, I told myself get high, fuck him in the washroom and dip. That was gonna be my Happy Birthday, but nothing went to plan seeing as I got dumb high and woke up there the next day with hickies covering the whole side of my neck and semen in my belly. I'm a morning person, always excited to see what the day has in store of course he's the opposite, he's angry in the morning especially without food or a spliff that morning he had neither purposefully so he could let himself get rude with me. "Why'd you leave a hickey? My girlfriends gonna see this." Imagine nutting in a female and holding her all night and you have a girlfriend. I dont know if I wanna say Scarborough niggas or kiss my teeth and say Jamaican men. Regardless dirtyyyyyyy. I thought it was a joke though honestly I didnt think he was that nasty. So when i heard he really was, I was winter 2018 angry. I was im popping up and dragging bitches angry, I was I'm busting every single thing in that bitch angry; and I expressed it with threats and words via text. Our last phone call was him saying " i know how to treat a lady, sometimes they're just not worth it."

I did another nigga dirty before and our last face to face sounded the same, I was nothing but " A worthless whore , go slit your wrists on the train." I never spoke to him every again unless to make him feel as worthless as he did me. Imagine being stalked. Catcalled. Stalked on social media. Just for a person to turn around and say you're not worth it. I'm not worth respect? All you can give me is pain? I try to see him clearly and now I've come face to face with he who guards him, he's told me everything i need to know. He tells me when to leave and beats me when I try. I've truly welcomed J into my life, all his energies, enities and pain, I feel close and far away.

I always hope he doesnt talk about me, I always hope he's over me. But J's guardian quickly puts that thought way. I'm soul tied to someone who I've been at war with for years. As I try to get over the torment caused in this chapter of my life I pray he does too and I pray that it's worth it and we'll both heal and be alright. I can't help but hope I see him again and fulfil his desires. Good thing my smart half knows better, what we had will always last forever; in my head and in my heart and one day all the pain i felt will fade and I'll be able to take only our good away. One day maybe I can calm him down again and restart. But I wont hold my breath.

East end people are the most manipulative out of any other side of the city. We tend to be generous with our energy because we feed off those around, we find inspiration in our surrounding. Like any one around the city niggas here shoot for a fee, road run for a fee and sell they soul for a fee. Scarborough is a different type of hungry. Ive lived it, he's lived it. Hunger can subside but thirst you can never quench. It's an eating at your soul, you don't belong here a voice says but all you know is here.

Picture this: summer was a little longer and you and your boys go drop off your girl but the cutest thing you've ever seen just walks right by. She's rude too, so no number for you. But you recognize that hunger and know you can feed it after all it is the era of social media. So you're patient with your game- neat would be your phrase. You hope to whoever you can find her. But you knew you can because this is a game you've played before. Your subconscious tells you steal her attention the first time, make her think she could love you, make her think she could be the one you love. Just like that she's caught. She's not an easy prey she makes you work for that trust and you slip up on your game. She took your attention too and it was gonna take more than some pretty face to help you before you slipped away. It was gonna take the one who taught you game. Someone you already trusted and had less work to do than her. Someone who on the lows too was looking for her just like you. Til this day he's surpirsed at everything you two do. Little does he know how far you took the game this time. His ear opened for her name, he'd be the first to share your pain. But he doesnt know what you really do late nights and who's name you curse, who's face now is queen, seated at the throne. You hope you did to her what she did to you but worst. You know one day you'll give in, you hate a stalemate. But you know, that when you're ready, you'd let her win. You wonder but you know she knows, it's her game, shes the pro.

The healing process is longer than the war, the scars are deeper than the love, the memories are sharper than the knives used in battle. Everyday I wake up and hope to stay strong. This whole mess exposed my darkest sides to me. I never knew that what you want will always be what you need. I needed to be dragged to hell to understand the difference between purgatory and heaven. I needed to be manipulated to change every single wiring in my perspective. Something in me let me stay for so long, and now because of the wounds he re-opened I am now able to identify and heal the bigger issue. It's calming knowing one day I won't long for him, one day I won't think of him. I got what I deserved. Knowing the truth that - no I'm not better than him but yes I am more aware and emotionally intelligent. That we want different things and lead different lives, that honestly he can watch but I would never silently ride. What has he done for me? He forced me to heal. God sent me the Devil because he knew I wouldn't be persuaded . I always took time with myself and that made me different. I have this ability to understand who you are off one interaction, I'm always right about people at least by a fraction. So loving the Devil made me run back to my God made me run to myself and aim to be more than what he wanted. He showed me the ceiling he set for us. But what I've learnt from my city is that it's best to scrape the sky and use your natural resources to fuel you and everyone around you is caught up in their own world. Snakes run on concrete and Queens have been left for mummies. What's below me has no business telling me how high I can go.

To my ladies walking into any situationship with bad intentions, prepare to see the darkest part of your soul. Clear your energy and watch your thoughts. No one can save you from your pain, only healing can bring you the satisfaction you are looking for. If a man chases you at a respectful boundary that's different. Watch out for the boy who knows things he shouldn't, who drags you to the summit and throws you into the abyss because that is not an adventure that's just the start of it. Watch out for the manipulator and boy who thinks way to highly of what those around him think, he is insecure and incapable of giving you what you deserve. Lastly watch out for the boy who comes back after you've damaged him in some way, chances are he wants your eye. Regardless of what I go through, postive vibrations flow through me and I will show love to anyone who even thinks of loving me. Some people need people and others teach people. Decide are you needed or was it just a lesson? Was it love or did he know how to catch you off guard?

There's no love on these streets, just victim's to others depression. There's no love in the East, just stalking and fucking and texting.