Don't Tell Your Story

Sounds harsh, doesn't it? To say no one cares? Sadly, unless you're describing 'caring' to mean 'to take an interest in something that only holds entertainment value', you're not likely to find anyone who cares about what you've been through in your life.

The word "trauma" is thrown around a lot lately, and I believe with good reason. I believe nearly every single person existing in modern society right now is traumatized in some way, and continues to be as long as we mock the concept of trauma. But that's what we as humans do - we mock what we don't understand. As frequently as you see an article about embracing and healing your trauma, you're probably ten times more likely to see a meme about it. Comment sections are riddled with people proclaiming certain generations are "too sensitive" or calling people "snowflakes". It all stems from a lack of understanding, but it's not something that can be manufactured. (For example, I doubt you'll see a sexual abuse survivor make a graphic joke about sexual abuse, but those jokes exist. Only someone who can't understand the pain of that experience would think someone was 'too sensitive' if they didn't find it funny because of their personal experience, but that is usually the person who thinks they have a right to give an opinion.)

Even a therapist who gets paid to listen nonjudgmentally can't help but be a bit judgmental. Their advice is always going to be a little biased, based on their own beliefs and experiences, no matter what you tell them. Everyone is coming from their own point of view at all times, with their own unique experiences to back it. What's healthy to one person is damaging to another, and what looks like help for one person might negatively impact someone else. It's human nature to want to share experiences with other humans - coregulating our nervous systems is a necessity for healthy human life. But at what point are we sharing in a healthy way, and when does it start to become just a story for another person to indulge in?

Lets take Prince Harry, for example, since he is everywhere in the news and I just wrote another short article on him. He feels very strongly like he wants to tell his personal story, undoubtedly with the intentions of healing and feeling supported in what he has been/is going through. While he absolutely has received support, and some people seem to understand where he is coming from, he has also become somewhat of a joke. His personal trauma has become an entertainment piece, up for the public to discuss, and once you give it to the public to discuss, you lose almost all control over the manner in which it is discussed. In my opinion, the backlash he is receiving (and will continue to receive the rest of his life) is not worth the fraction of understanding and support he might see from people at first. The novelty will wear off, and people will move on, and Harry's traumatic experiences will no longer be of use to them. He will be stuck with the initial trauma, plus the added judgements of the public.

I often find myself falling too deeply into stories like his, as I feel I've experienced something similar myself. Lucky for me, before I decided to write a book I realized I didn't want to offer my trauma to strangers on a silver platter, just to be ripped apart and questioned. Maybe I defend people like Harry too much based on my own personal experiences, which is another reason why your own personal truth is so important to keep safe. I find myself leaking it into internet comments defending Harry (or people I believe to be in similar situations), when in reality I am defending myself. That's where my human need to be heard is screaming at me, but I haven't yet found a healthy way to keep it satisfied. I never learned healthy emotional coping skills in my life, so I am trying to teach myself now, and what I've learned so far has been life changing.

Often after experiencing some sort of traumatic event, it takes a while to see things clearly. It might take months, or even years, for a person to fully understand what happened to them and how it affected them. But when they finally do see it, it's crystal clear, and the weird relief that comes with that often feels like it should be shared. Even if you're sharing it in what you believe to be a positive way, you are always at risk of being hurt in a new way over the same wound. This is why many victims of abuse don't even share their stories - it can sometimes feel more painful to finally share your story and be questioned or not believed than to have experienced it in the first place. Even if the other person does believe you, they may question why you dealt with it in the way you did, or suggest you should've done something differently. That kind of response, even when meaning well, can cause the person who experienced the trauma to doubt themselves or how they handled it, and could cause more psychological damage.

If you break your arm, you'd have to have a cast that allows the break to be protected until it's healed. Emotions don't have the same kind of protection when injured, and are much more vulnerable to even greater damage when already weakened by something. You must build yourself an emotional cast, which means not talking about your trauma in most cases, so that you can keep it safe and let it heal. If you must get it out (and you must get it out!), try journaling or making art or something else creative but personal. Even a previously broken arm is more at risk of re-breaking once the cast is removed. It's up to you to prevent the re-break.