Diary of a Very Anxious Girl

So I have anxiety.. and it's getting worse. It is the most frustrating feeling for me. The worst thing a person who used to have it all under control and prides themselves on being able to handle any challenge, is for their body to shut down and freak out without a warning and seemingly out of nowhere. It was embarrassing initially. I didn't want to tell people. I felt shame. Real shame and disappointment in myself. I've been to the ER for major anxiety and/or panic attacks about four times in the past year.

As I reflect on what I'm doing in my life that could trigger these episodes, I realize that its everything. It's my people pleaser side. It's my ambition and drive to have more. It's me worrying about how I'm going to reach my goals and if I don't get it. It's my stubbornness (#TaurusGang) and inability to ask for help because "I got this". It's my fear in leaning on others for them to just disappoint me and let me down. If that is the result, I'd feel like I should never have asked for help. Oh how I hate disappointment. That's why I do my best to be dependable and always there for loved ones and friends. I don't want to be what I hate. However, it definitely adds pressure on myself.

At an attempt to keep rolling with the punches, I'm diving deeper into understanding me. I'm coming to terms that anxiety is part of my life. I see my panic attacks like a loud alarm clock telling me "it's time to chill the f*ck out. You're doing too much. Make a change now." And my mini-anxiety attacks are my reminders. I have to remember that I'm only human. I can only do so much, but I can do my best. However, doing my best and doing too much doesn't work.

In this bleak, dark place, there are speckles of light here and there. One of those lights is knowing that I'm not alone. As I move forward in accepting my condition, it becomes easier to discuss what I've been going through. With sharing my experiences, I find solace in knowing that there are tips and tricks that others can teach me to help me get though the mini episodes. Anxiety, like newly developed allergies, are irritating and restricting in someways, but ultimately teach you how to better care for you and your body. It's without a doubt one of the most humanizing experiences a person can go through.

In doing some research, on TikTok, I found people who provided some really helpful information and tips. For example, one thing that works for me most are ice packs. They help my mind focus on the cold feeling rather than whatever is triggering the attack. Another one is eating salt. This one tricks the mind as well. Grounding exercises are on my list to try. I've started listening to classical music to calm my nerves. I have incense that I burn while meditating. I have a collection of essential oils to add to the aromatherapy diffuser. But all of this is for nothing if I don't use it, right? Carving out time for me has become my biggest challenge in this. Somehow it's easier to take care of everything and everyone else. I gain a sense of accomplishment I suppose. I guess I also like praise and people showing appreciation for my actions. At the same time, if I'm caring and doing for others, who is caring and doing for me? No one, mostly because I'm single. So, I know it's imperative that I make myself a priority on my list of things to care for.

As a reminder to myself and those reading, I end my article with this saying. "How can you love anyone else, if you cannot or do not love yourself? How can you expect someone else to love you when you don't?" At the end of the day, you have to put yourself first to keep on living in this crazy world of ours.

Thank you for reading!