Dear People I Left Behind

by sydney . 2 months ago in friendship

This is for you

Dear People I Left Behind

High school changes you. As much as people do not want to admit it, it does. Even if its just the slightest change or a major change, we all go through it, and most of the time we do not notice it happening. It just seems to happen; one moment you're one way and the next, you are completely different. This happened to me in my high school experience. I did not notice myself slowly drifting from my friends that had been there for me the past eight years, I did not realize that by getting what I had always wanted, I had pushed them away.

All through elementary, I had been known by all my teachers and friends and family members as "the push over" and "the shy one." I always hated it but I did nothing to change it. Then came middle school and I met new people from surrounding elementary schools, this is when I saw the shell I had been living in crack. I was starting to break out, but very little. I had made new friends, but still talked those from elementary, because they were my anchors.

Then the big part happened.

I had gotten my acceptance letter from my high school's ASB. This was the biggest leap I had taken, I knew that being in ASB meant I had to talk to a LOT of people, I had to speak up about my ideas, I had to talk in front of crowds. I was terrified of it, but I wanted it so badly.

In my first year of high school, I still stuck with my anchors. At the end of that year it started to become shaky, connections were becoming thinner, I was becoming louder.

My sophomore year was when I took my anchors out of people, and put it into myself, I became my own anchor because I thought this was safer than planting it with people when I didn't know if they'd take it, or if they'd slip the floor from right underneath me and leave me hanging. I became self reliant that year, and in doing so, I became even louder and more open. The shell had been cut in half.

My junior year. By this time, I cut all ties with my old anchors. It wasn't by choice, it was by prioritizing... I had this clear vision of who I wanted to become, and I had focused so much on it that I didn't realize I was pushing away those anchors. As much as I've tried these past couple of months, I cannot reconnect with them. I am not sure how much they've changed, but I have changed immensely, and our connections are no longer there. But is that necessarily a bad thing? We are not on bad terms or anything, we have just both grown, and that happened to be apart from each other. It does make me sad and miss the old times, when I see that all my anchors have still remained anchors for each other, and that they hang out all the time, and post about each other and how long they've been friends. But it is not worth going back on my progress for. I am going to continue to break the hell out of this shell, and I wish you all the best.

I do not hold a grudge against any of you, because you've made new friends and have a whole new life that I know nothing of. I am so very happy for you. I am glad that you have replaced me in a way and found other people to be there for you in ways that I no longer can be. I never wanted to leave you hanging without me, and I know we both went through that awkward phase where neither of us knew what to do without each other. I found people from that phase and I can see that you have too, that's a good thing.

Read next: 'Chocolate Kisses'
sydney .

i write when i feel so strongly about something that this becomes my only outlet.

See all posts by sydney .