Dear Mom, if I Had a Million Dollars I Would Give Them to You, but I Don't, so I Decided to Write You This Letter Instead

Dear Mom,

I want to start this letter off by saying thank you. Thank you for being an amazing person, mother, and friend. Thank you for always loving, encouraging, and supporting me. I am who I am today because of you. I know I tell you these things pretty regularly, so I want to use the majority of this letter to focus on some things that I don’t often mention. So here it goes…..

Mom, thank you for being strong enough to choose life for yourself in order to bring me into this world. I know it wasn’t easy for you to lose a child while being pregnant with me. Losing a child is hard enough, but I can’t imagine how hard it must have been to lose a child and have this new life growing within you at the same time and also trying to pull yourself together to take care of your three other children. I know the depression and grief were strong and that you wanted so badly to be with Justin, but you were stronger and held on for me and I am so grateful. Thank you for never blaming me or resenting me. When I was younger and I was told, for the first time, that I had a brother who died a few months before I was born, I thought that his death was my fault, that I somehow caused it, but I’m so glad you never felt this way. You never once took your anger out on me. I also want to say thank you for praying for me before I was born that God would make me who He wants me to be. I know that you originally started praying that I would look a certain way, but ended up changing your prayer, and I am so glad. It has brought me so much comfort when I am sad and feel like I don’t measure up to know that you simply wanted me for me and that I am exactly who God wants me to be. I am so in awe of you and your strength, courage, kindness, and love. I know you often feel like you weren’t a good enough mom and that you let us down, but that is the furthest thing from the truth. You were and still are an amazing mom and I am so proud to be your daughter. You’re the Lorelai to my Rory.

Mommy, thank you for taking care of me all the times I’ve been sick, especially those times I had to be hospitalized. I hated going to the hospital and I know you did too, but you stayed with me for as long as you were able. When I wasn’t in the hospital, you held my hair back when I was throwing up and got me a cold cloth for my head and you even administered rectal suppositories. You are a saint! You would stay up with me even though you were exhausted and look after me and you’d tickle me and pray for me and tell me stories. You brought me food in bed and did your best to make sure that I wasn’t in any pain. Even to this day, when I get sick, you are always ready to take care of me. You are a superhero! I hope that one day, when I have children, I can measure up, but you set a pretty high standard. I’m pretty sure that even when I get married, I’ll still want you to take care of me if I get sick! You made me feel extra loved during those times and I am very thankful. There were so many of us kids, but you managed to make each of us feel like we were special and made each of us think that we were the favorite child. Not only that, but I also wanted to thank you for taking care of me when I’ve struggled with my mental health. I know I can share my struggles with you and you won’t judge. You check in with me to make sure I’m doing okay, and you’ve never made me feel less than. I appreciate your compassion immensely. In many ways, if it weren’t for you, I wouldn’t be here today.

Madre, thank you for reading to me when I was a kid. Those memories are some of my favorites. I still remember to this day the books you read to me and I’m pretty sure we still have them, and I know that I’ll read them to my kids one day. For now, though, I just enjoy reading to you in order to show my appreciation. Not only do I want to thank you for reading to me, but I also want to thank you for using different voices for each of the characters. You always go above and beyond. Thanks to you, my love of books has grown immensely over the years and, with it, my love of words and writing, and it is ultimately why I chose English as my major. Maybe if you’d played Operation with me instead, I’d be a doctor and I’d be wealthy, but you win some and you lose some haha! And I also want to thank you for taking me to all my dance classes and recitals, even though I ended up quitting eventually, and also thank you for taking me to all of my basketball and softball practices and games. You always got me where I needed to go, and you made sure to be there to cheer me on. That’s no small feat considering you had the boys to deal with too! It really means a lot to me that you were there to support me. I don’t know what I would do without you.

Momma, I know I’ve said this before, but I honestly should tell you more often; I am so thankful to God that you beat cancer. It was so long ago that sometimes it gets pushed to the back of my mind, but you actually went through the chemo and sickness and surgery and have the scars to constantly remind you of the trauma you endured, and I’m sorry if my forgetfulness has ever made you feel like I don’t care or that I’m not incredibly thankful that you survived. I am, but I was 10 years old and that period of time is a little foggy for me 15 years later. But I do remember. I remember you being sick and knowing that something was wrong, and I remember seeing the blood in the toilet and asking you if you had cancer because that was the only real disease that I knew. I remember you being diagnosed and you being in the hospital for surgery. I remember getting sick while you were there and being sad that you couldn’t take care of me. I remember going to chemo with you and how it made you sick and really tired. I remember the book Mrs. McDaniel gave me called “My Mommy Has Cancer” to try and help me process everything and how it didn’t really apply to our situation because you never lost your hair and I never had to be kept away from you. I even remember when the doctors thought it came back and you were scared and I remember being in church and prophesying over you that “He is the Alpha and Omega, Beginning and the End, and this is the end of your cancer.” And I remember being in class and being so happy when I found out that your scans came back clean that I cried tears of joy and I remember how my classmates were confused because they thought my tears meant I was sad about it. I remember mom, maybe not every detail, but I remember. You are so brave. You could have given up, but you fought, even though the odds were against you, you fought to be here with us. The doctors said you had a 30% chance of surviving and that you’d probably had cancer for 10 years, and yet, here you are. God is good. I am so blessed.

Lastly, mom, I just want to thank you for being a constant in my life. I realize that not everyone has that luxury and I don’t ever want to take you for granted. Thank you for all the meals you’ve made and cookies you’ve baked and for listening to all of the songs and poems and stories I’ve written. And thank you for comforting me and wiping my tears away and helping me stay strong when I wanted to break. You are such a great role model. I may look like dad on the outside, but I look like you on the inside and nothing could make me happier. I love you mom. “As long as I’m living, my mommy you’ll be.”