Dear me, thank you...

Dear Maxie,

I'm sorry I've abused you for so long. I've loved everyone but you and I never even noticed that you were hurting until you almost silenced us both. The way I talk to you, the way I misuse your body, the way I always set you on fire for the sake of someone else being warm...it's damn near unforgivable. If I don't want another person to abuse you, what gives me the right to think that I can?

Don't worry, though, this won't be me explaining all the ways I've hurt you, I want to say some of the things I'm thankful for about you.

1. Thank you for your appreciation of beauty. You make life worth living. Even when you don't understand why you were given another day to live and have no desire to do so, you somehow are able to stop amidst the sadness and find beauty. Your eye for it is so keen that when you see it, you want to recreate it to have for yourself or to share with someone else. I appreciate that.

2. Thank you for your consideration and thoughtfulness toward other people. I'm hard on you sometimes...most times about this, but I'm glad that you have that ability at all rather than not at all. Your kindness towards strangers and family alike is no different. You hope people have a good day even if all you can do to contribute is a smile in acknowledgment of their existence. I wish I would love you that way, but I understand that healing our inner child takes time. Progress, not perfection. I appreciate this about you.

3. Thank you for your desire to be better and to grow constantly. This is another one I am INCREDIBLY hard on you about, but I want you to know I will change for you. I will love you on purpose from now on. I love how you don't let the way I abuse you determine your growth even if you have been weakened by the abuse recently. Again, I am sorry for that. It's not an excuse, but I'm still learning to let go of the abuse I internalized. I'm still learning to appreciate you and not see you as the bad guy because you aren't perfect. I appreciate this about you.

4. Thank you for not giving up on me. I know you got really close, but...you didn't and I know I don't say this enough but...I'm very proud of you. It makes sense to me now why you hate when people take pride in you or what you've accomplished. It makes sense now why you hate when even your closest friends say that they're proud of you...it's because I'm not proud of you. You work to get my approval and I'm the one person you've never gotten it from. I didn't know you cared so much. If I'm honest, I'm still not sure what you need from me. You try so hard not to be needy that I forget that you need anything from me. You don't want to be a burden or an inconvenience to others, so you suffer in silence, but I wonder if all those times you were silent, were you waiting for me to speak up for you? To tell you it was okay to say what you needed. That common decency was not too much to ask from others or from me. Did you want me to tell you it was okay to be needy so long as you weren't expecting anyone else to fill a void within you? You were waiting for me to defend you this whole time because you weren't allowed to for so long that you don't remember how.

I'm listening now.

In fact, let's start over, and if you'll give me a chance, I'll do better. I may fail, but please don't lose heart. Gently nudge me as you often do, and remind me that you need me.

I hope you internalize my words, I hope it gives you the desire to live again. I hope we can mend what I've broken and start over on our journey to health and security in our relationship.

sincerely and genuinely,

you