Dear Gianna

Q:"My boyfriend and I have lived together for two years. A week ago, he seemed upset, and I asked him why. He told me that he does not feel appreciated by me. He said that he does many things to make me smile (like cooking my favourite food and buying me my favourite ice cream). I do appreciate it, but I don't see it as something I need to thank him for. They're normal gestures that are necessary for any relationship to work out. It's not like he does something extraordinary every day. And when he does something big, I do show a lot of gratitude. Am I right to think that he's too sensible?"

A:I can see why you think that only extraordinary gestures need gratitude: because it's what most people believe.

See, for example, how the bible uses miracles to tell us that we should be in awe of extraordinary and astonishing events attributed to the divine?

Jesus only needs to say, "Lazarus, come forth", for the once-deceased man to get up and appear from his grave.

As a wedding guest, he turned water into wine on another occasion since they had run out.

Miracles are evidence of divine power: after witnessing these out-of-the-ordinary facts, men would believe that Jesus was the son of God and linked to a higher power. They have the "wow" factor. When we watch Jesus "perform", we are witnessing something that doesn't happen "normally", and it catches our attention. It wouldn't be the same if Jesus said, "Oh, we ran out of wine? Well, let me go and buy more for everyone". Witnessing something like that, we wouldn't focus on how kind and generous the offer is. We'd just think, "meh, an ordinary dude; everyone can go to the local shop".

True that everybody can. But would everybody do it?

I would be in awe if someone were so selfless and caring to leave a party, walk many miles, find a wine merchant, purchase the wine, and walk the whole way back carrying the heavy barrels.

But, as humans, we find it easier to be in awe of the supernatural, the magic, the grand gesture, not the everyday kindness.

Think about the Romantic Comedies that we all love. In "Ten Things I hate about you", sisters Bianca and Kat are the victims of a strange rule imposed on them by their father. Bianca (the youngest) cannot date unless her sister has a boyfriend. Kat is not very social, so Bianca knows that she will never be dating unless she takes matters into her hands. So she comes up with a plan: she convinces her perspective boyfriend to find someone that would ask her sister out. The boy chosen to date Kat is Patrick, this good-looking, rebellious teenage boy. Patrick agrees, only because he's offered money to invite Kat to Prom. Kat decides to go, and obviously, they catch feelings for each other. However, Kat finds out that Patrick accepted money to take her out and dumps him on the spot, incredibly disappointed and heartbroken.

And what do you think Patrick did? Went to her house and asked her to talk? Wrote her an apology letter?

Of course not! He picks up a microphone, and from the roof of the High School they both attend, he serenades her with "Can't take my eyes off of you" while the school's marching band plays away.

The grand gesture. We like that film because it gives us the wow factor. We would get bored watching a movie where for 2 hours, a gentle husband cooks dinner for his wife when she's tired and runs her a hot bath. It's not very entertaining.

And I get it. I wouldn't want to watch that film either. But life is not a movie. Life is the sum of every moment that goes by, and what matters is what meaning we assign to each of these moments.

When your boyfriend buys your favourite ice cream, his only intention is to put a smile on your face. Sure he didn't have to climb Mount Everest or fight a hoard of angry trolls to achieve that. He only went to the local shop and spent a couple of pounds. But it's the intention behind it that makes the difference.

I am not trying to say that this isn't the bare minimum required for any relationship; in my opinion, it is. I wouldn't want to entertain anyone who doesn't treat me with care and affection. However, I still don't take it for granted. If we express gratitude for any small thing given to us freely, we will appreciate the beauty of life in general, not only in our relationship.

According to Rhonda Byrne, in the book "The Magic", the secret to going through life experiencing only joy, excitement and, as the title suggests, magic is hidden in the words of the Gospel of Matthew in the Holy Scriptures: "Whoever has will be given more". Whoever was given what? According to the author, there is a missing word in this statement: "Whoever has gratitude will be given more".

So when you stop for a second and think, "he didn't have to cook my favourite food, but he did, and I'm thankful", not only are you making him feel seen and appreciated, you're doing yourself a favour because you're attracting even more loving gestures your way. So how is this not a win-win situation?