Dear Diary 2021 Sucks!

I’m just going through my darkest time of 2021 and it’s only March. I feel like I am shutting everyone out. That wasn’t my intention. I was dealing with unhappiness for such a long time, I started to believe I was happy. I received so much support and encouragement that I started taking leaps of faith. First, with seeing the therapist. Then, quitting my job after almost 12 years because it was literally killing me. My therapist told me that the vicarious trauma I was experiencing every time I went to work was lowering my immune system. On top of experiencing the death of a fellow co worker that I knew for 10 years. He died while I was on break! I was talking to my mom and watching my friend lay on the ground and die. I was there for his last breath. I’m crying right now from sharing that experience. His death was killing me little by little each day. I have his shrines by both of my desks. Seeing the picture would trigger the memory. Then they had another picture of a fellow co worker that passed away. He told management that he wasn’t feeling good and if he could go home. They denied his request and died the next day in the hospital. I knew him for 11 years. My husband still didn’t understand why I needed to leave the company. Then he’s mad about me quitting my job regardless if it was killing me!!! Then he wants me to tell him my plans. He wanted to put me on a time schedule like I was one of the kids. Then HE started to throw divorce around. After I tried my best to win him over on Valentine’s Day. He didn’t even wish me a happy Valentine’s Day! So I wasted my energy to not be loved on the day of love? It didn’t seem fair. To top it all off, he started saying that I was bi polar. I couldn’t believe it! That he would stoop so low to make me think that I was crazy. My pastor said that my husband couldn’t make that diagnosis because he wasn’t a doctor. My own doctor didn’t diagnose me with it. That’s when I knew. That he was slowly killing me too. He was so mean to me calling me selfish and inconsiderate of the family. Before I was born and still in the womb my dad was beating my mother. Then my dad started beating on me for speaking up for myself. Then my husband hit me on my birthday in 2019. He hit me in the mouth because I wouldn’t talk to him. Really my birthday? I didn’t call the cops on him. I just went to my moms house without him, to celebrate with my family. Then he gets mad at me because I didn’t bring him to my birthday party after he busted my lip. The kids saw it all. Now my son thinks he can hit on me and his sister. I can’t let my son be like him. I can’t let my daughter think that getting slapped around, verbally abused, and emotionally abused is ok. I asked God for guidance and he showed me a way out. That is why I am blessed to finally be free from the wickedness. I have to protect myself and my children. I pray that you can understand that my life has been so dark, I just want some light for once. I just want to be happy once in my lifetime. God is paving the way to my happiness now.

Love,

Me