Dating After Divorce: 5 Biggest Mistakes to Avoid

The end of a marriage, no matter how much you expected it or even wanted it, can be a very sad thing. It’s a simple, single word to describe the destruction of your entire life. That destruction can make you feel lost, lonely, confused, adrift as you try to figure out a new normal.

Divorce feels like a failure, and often, we think dating is a way to get past it. We figure if we dive back in, we can move on from the pain of divorce and find a new, successful relationship. But sometimes that can just compound our pain and frustration.

If you think you’re ready to date again, make sure you avoid these five mistakes.

Dating before you’re ready

About a month after my divorce was final, I dove into a brief relationship with a friend. Fortunately, our friendship was strong enough to withstand it because it only lasted about two months. The truth was I wasn’t ready to date again but I didn’t realize that until it was too late.

Even if your divorce was a long time coming, you may not be ready to date again as soon as it’s over. It doesn’t help when friends suggest that you get right back out there. Getting back on the horse, so to speak, might work when a less-serious relationship ends. But for most of us, marriage was the ultimate serious relationship — we had dreams and plans around it that we have to let go of now. And that can take time.

How to avoid this: Don’t listen to your friends or family. As well-intentioned as they may be, they are not you. They don’t know how you feel and what you’re ready for. Listen to your own intuition. Do you feel ready to date? Or do you feel like you need to take more time? If you truly listen to yourself, you’ll know when you’re ready to date again.

Thinking all guys/girls are just like your ex

When your former spouse has been unfaithful or abusive, or otherwise made you feel alone and unloved in your marriage, it’s easy to paint all people with that same brush. You assume all people will lie, cheat, or fall out of love eventually, so why bother trying?

This ends up coming through as a lack of effort on your part, which will drive dates away. Or it might come through as a total lack of trust (think things like saying, “No cheaters” in a dating profile), which will scare away good folks who don’t want to deal with your trust issues.

More than that, it can do exactly what you don’t want, and attract those who will live up to your expectations of being untrustworthy. You’ll find yourself dating person after person, in relationship after relationship, with someone who proves your distrust right. This adds more layers of trust issues until you may never be able to trust someone again — at least, not without some significant therapy.

How to avoid this: Remember that everyone on earth is an individual. Start with a clean slate on each new date. Specifically look for ways that your date differs from your ex rather than noticing any similarities there might be. If you find you can’t do that, you might not be ready to date again yet — or you might want to consider talking with a therapist to help you through it.

Holding on to old baggage

The things we’ve gone through in our lives are what make us who we are — and that includes our marriage and divorce. It changes us. But there is a huge difference between learning from the experience and becoming a better person for it, and holding on to the baggage that came with it.

Learning from it means examining what happened and seeing where things could be different in the future. Maybe you see that you ignored clear signs of infidelity and you learn that you won’t do that again, for example.

Holding on to the baggage, on the other hand, is clinging to what happened. If your ex cheated, you hold on to the details of when, where and how. You blame them even when you know that you played a role by ignoring the signs. You might even convince yourself it’s your fault — that they did what they did because it was you.

How to avoid this: Take time after your divorce to sit with what happened. Evaluate the marriage, start to finish, and process what happened. Find the nuggets you can learn from it and hold on to those while letting go of everything else.

Getting into a rebound relationship

Ah, the rebound relationship. The one that’s filled with lots of physical attraction, lots of fun, maybe even lots of love. It feels real, but is it? There’s a couple of easy ways to tell.

First, ask yourself if this person is someone you would want to be with long-term? Do they have the qualities you look for in a long-term partner? Do they have similar goals, dreams, and hopes? Do they want the same kind of future you do for a relationship? If the answers to those questions are no, it’s a rebound relationship.

Second, ask yourself could you be happy if you were alone right now? If you weren’t dating this person, would you be happy by yourself? Again, if the answer is no, it’s a rebound relationship.

Rebound relationships almost never work out. All they really do is delay the healing you need to do from your divorce, and possibly add another layer of healing that you’ll also need to deal with.

How to avoid this: The best way to avoid a rebound relationship is to avoid the other mistakes in this article. By waiting to date until you’re ready, being able to separate your ex and their mistakes from all other people, and letting go of old baggage, you heal from your divorce. This all sets you up to be ready for a real relationship.

Hooking up with your ex

After being married to someone for years, there’s a sense of comfort and familiarity to them. You know what they like and they know what you like. There’s no awkward getting to know each other phase. And since you were together before, you don’t have to feel bad or uncomfortable for sleeping with them with no commitment.

It might seem like a good idea to hook up with the ex when you’re feeling a little lonely. But hooking up with your ex is fraught with reasons not to. If either of you still have feelings for the other, if one of you is hoping that the hookup will reignite the relationship, or if your ex treated you badly, hooking up with them will just confuse and complicate matters.

How to avoid this: Just don’t do it. It’s that simple. If you’re horny, take care of it yourself or find another partner. If you’re lonely, call some friends and go out. Anytime you’re tempted to reach out to your ex, find an alternative — any alternative.

Divorce is the end of your life as it is. But it’s not the end of your life. Taking the time to heal from the divorce before you start dating again will position you to have healthy, happy relationships in the future. And since you have a lot of future ahead of you, making sure your relationships are good is worth it.