Dating a narcissist

Everyone says that a relationship is about compromise. Is it really? When dating someone who doesn't even want believe that they are a narcissist, is compromise considered? From experience I can tell you no. You will give up everything, lose everyone and even lose yourself. It will take years to build yourself back up. However, you will be able to do it. As someone who has a brother who is a narcissist and someone who has dated a man who was very controlling, abusive and emotionally recked me, I can assure you that you will get through this. I will explain how you can tell if they are a narcissist, how to avoid them and if you are suffering with one, how to cope to make the relationship work or how to leave them. It won't be an easy road but it is possible. Here we go!

When dating a narcissist, you aren't thinking, "Do they have NPD?" Usually, we wonder if how we are being treated is healthy and sustainable in the long-run. One thing to avoid is diagnosing your partner because it will start a problem, but also can only be diagnosed by a professional who can observe and see what you see.

Signs to look for

How can I recognize the signs? What do I look for? This section will be long; however, it will be worth the read. To prepare yourself the sings to look for are:

They are charming...at first: started as a fairy tale. Like it was too good to be true

Maybe they texted you constantly, or told you they loved you within the first month-something experts refer to as "love bombing"

Maybe they tell you how smart you are or emphasize how compatible you are, even if you've just started seeing each other

As soon as you do something that disappoints them, they could turn on you. Usually, you will have no idea of exactly what you did, how they treat you and when they turn on you actually has nothing to do with you and everything to do with their own beliefs

If someone came on too strong at the beginning, be wary, sure we all love to feel wanted but real love has to be nurtured and grown. If you think it's too early for them to really love you, it probably is or if you feel like they don't know enough about you to actually love you, they probably don't. Will try to manufacture superficial connections early on in a relationship

They hog the conversation, talking about how great they are: love to constantly talk about their own accomplishments and achievements with grandiose. They do this because they feel better and smarter than everyone else, and also because it helps them create an appearance of being self-assured

Often exaggerate their accomplishments and embellish their talents in stories in order to gain adoration from others

They're too busy talking about themselves to listen to you. The warning happens in two-parts, first, your partner won't stop talking about themselves and second your partner won't engage in conversation with you. Questions to ask yourself: What happens when you do talk about yourself? Do they ask follow-up questions and express interests to learn more about you? Or do they make it about them?

They feed off your compliments: may seem like they're super self-confident, but most people with NPD actually lack self-esteem. They need a lot of praise and if you're not giving it to them, they'll fish for it. That's why they're constantly looking at you to tell them how great they are

Use other people: people who are typically highly empathic- to supply their sense of self-worth and make them feel powerful. Due to their low self-esteem, their egos can be slighted very easily which increases their need for compliments

Punish everyone around them for their lack of self-confidence

They lack empathy: lack of empathy of ability to feel how another person is feeling is one of the hallmark characteristics. Lack the skill to make you feel seen, validating, understood or accepted because they don't grasp the concept of feelings

They don't do emotion that belongs to others. They don't have long-term friends: dig deeper into their connections and you may notice that they only have casual acquaintances, buddies they trash-talk and nemeses. As a result, they might lash out when you want to hang out with your friends, they might claim that you don't spend enough time with them, make you feel guilty for spending time with your friends or berate you for the type of friends you have

They pick on you constantly: maybe at first it felt like teasing...but then it got mean or became constant. Suddenly, everything you do, from what you wear and eat to who you hang out with and what you watch on TV is a problem for them. They'll put you down, call you names, hit you with hurtful one-liners and make jokes that aren't quite funny. Their goal is to lower other's self-esteem so that they can increase their own because it makes them feel powerful. By reacting to what they say only reinforces their behavior. They love a reaction. That's because it shows them that they have the power to affect another's emotional state. It is hard to not let someone get to you but the goal is to let it go and not show your emotional side

If they know you down with insults when you do something worth celebrating, get away. They want you to know that you're not better than them, because to them nobody is

They gaslight you: a form of manipulation and emotional abuse. May spew blatant lies, falsely accuse others, spin the truth and ultimately distort your reality. Signs: you no longer feel like the person you used to be, you feel more anxious and less confident than you used to, you often wonder if you're being too sensitive, you feel like everything you do is wrong, you're apologizing often, you have a sense that something's wrong but aren't able to identify what it is, you often question whether your response to your partner is appropriate or you make excuses for your partner's behavior. They do this to cause others to doubt themselves as a way to be superior. They thrive off of being worshipped so they use manipulation tactics to get you to do just that

They dance around defining the relationship (a popular topic now a days): there are thousands of reasons someone might not want to label your relationship, maybe they're polyamorous, you've both agreed to a friend's-with-benefits situation or you're simply keeping it casual. If your partner is exhibiting some of the other symptoms mentioned above and won't commit, it's likely a red flag. Some will expect you to treat them like they're your partner so they can reap the intimate, emotional and sexual benefits while also keeping an eye out for prospects because they deem superior. You may notice your partner flirts with or looks at others in front of you, your family or friends. If you speak up and own your feelings about their disrespect, they will blame you for causing a fuss, call you crazy and use it as further reason not to commit fully to you and if you don't say a word, it is taken as a non-spoken message that you don't deserve to be respected. If it sounds like a lose-lose situation, that's because it is, remember that you deserve someone who is as committed to you as you are to them

They think they're right about everything...and never apologize: fighting with them feels impossible. There is no debating or compromising because they are always right, they won't necessarily see a disagreement as one and they'll just see it as them teaching you some truth. Should avoid negotiations and arguments. It will make you feel crazy. The thing that drives a narcissist crazy is the lack of control and lack of a fight. The less you fight back the less power you give them over you. Narcissists never apologize afterwards, especially in situations where they are at fault

They panic when you try to break up with them: as soon as you back away, they will try much harder to keep you in their lives. They may love-bomb you, they'll say all the right things to make you think they have changed. Soon enough, they'll show you they never actually changed because of this many find themselves in on-again, off again romantic relationships until they find someone else to date

When you show them, you're really done, they lash out: if you insist that you're done, they'll make it their goal to hurt you for abandoning them. Their ego is so severely bruised that it caused them to feel rage and hatred for anyone who "wronged" them, because everything is everyone else's fault. The result: might bad-mouth you, or might start immediately dating someone else to make you feel jealous and help heal their ego or they'll try to steal your friends. Reason behind that is because a good reputation means everything to them and they don't let anyone or anything interfere with it

There world is made up, a fantasy of sorts. They don't live in reality. What to look out for when noticing if you are dating a narcissist:

Don't fall for the fantasy

Can be very magnetic and charming

They are very good at creating a fantastical, flattering self-image that draws us in

We're attracted to their apparent confidence and loft dreams-and the shakier or own self-esteem, the more seductive the allure

It's easy to get caught up in their web, thinking that they will fulfill our longing to feel more important, more alive. It's just a fantasy, and a costly one at that

Your needs won't be fulfilled (or even recognized)- it's important to remember that they aren't looking for partners; they're looking for obedient admirers

Your sole value to them is as someone who can tell them how great they are to prop up their insatiable ego

Your desires and feelings don't count

Look at the way they treat others- if they life, manipulate, hurt and disrespect others, he or she will eventually treat you the same way

You're no different from anyone else and you won't be spared from the fantasy, don't fall for it

Take off the rose-colored glasses- it's important to see them in your life for who they really are, not who you want them to be. They won't change for you

Stop making excuses for bad behavior or minimizing the hurt it's causing you, there is no excuse big enough for it

Denial will not change their behavior or make it go away

The reality is that they are very resistant to change, so the true question you must ask yourself is whether you can live like this indefinitely

In order to not get lost in the fantasy remember- focus on your own dreams: instead of losing yourself in their delusions focus on the things you want for yourself

Leaving this type of relationship is difficult. There is no easy way out. You will experience things you never thought you would. However, when you are ready to leave just know that it is possible. Here is how:

Ending a relationship with a narcissist can be especially difficult as they can be charming and charismatic-at least at the start of the relationship or if/when you threaten to leave

It's easy to become disoriented by their manipulative behavior caught up in the need to see their approval or even to feel "gaslighted" and doubt your own judgement but you can overcome that when you leave

If you're codependent, your desire to be loyal may trump even your need to preserve your safety and sense of self. You can overcome that as well and be dependent on yourself

It's important to remember that no one deserves to be bullied, threatened, or verbally and emotionally abused in a relationship (scars we carry for life or awhile)

There are ways to escape them and the guilt and self-blame. Leading to the process of healing

Educated yourself about NPD- the more you understand the better you'll be able to recognize the techniques they may use to keep you in the relationship

When you threaten to leave, they will often resurrect the flattery and adoration that cause you to be interested in the first place. Don't fall for it, stick to your plan

They'll make grand promises about changing their behavior that they have no intention of keeping, ignore the gesture. You've already made up your mind

Writing down the reasons why you're leaving- being clear on why you need to end the relationship can help prevent you from being sucked back in. Keep your list somewhere handy and refer to it when you're starting to have self-doubts or they are laying on the charm or making outlandish promises

Seek support- during your time together, they may have damaged your relationships with friends and family or limited your social life. No matter the circumstances remember you're not alone. You can find help from support groups or domestic violence helplines and shelters if family and friends aren't willing to repair relationships

Don't make empty threats (you'll regret not following through)- it's a better tactic to accept that they won't change and when you're ready, simply leave. By making threats or pronouncements will only forewarn them and enable them to make it more difficult for you to get away

Importantly, seek immediate help if you're physically threatened or abused

Once you've been able to leave the situation, remind yourself not to look back. Leaving can be a huge blow to their sense of entitlement or self-importance. When you go it won't change anything because their huge ego still needs to be fed, so they'll often continue trying to exert control over you; such as: if charming and "love bombing" doesn't work, they may resort to threats, denigrating you to mutual friends and acquaintances, or stalking you on social media or in person. Now, I'm sure you are wondering what you can do to keep moving forward after you have left, well here are some suggestions:

Cut off all contact- the more contact you have with them, the more hope you'll give them that they can reel you back in. It's safer to block their calls, texts and emails and disconnect from them on social media

If you have children together, have others with you for any scheduled custody handovers. For your safety and everyone's

Allow yourself to grieve (a long process but when done right is worth the road taken)- breakups can be extremely painful, no matter the circumstances. Time is all you need

During the grieving process you will experience sad, angry, confused and loss of shared dreams and commitments since you've left that relationship. Just know in time it will pass

Healing can take time, so go easy on yourself and turn to family and friends for support

Most importantly, don't expect the narcissist to share your grief- once the message sinks in that you will no longer be feeding their ego, they will likely soon move on to exploit someone else. They don't feel loss or guilt, just the never-ending need for praise and admiration. Remind yourself: this is no reflection on you, but rather an illustration of how very one-sided their relationships always are and will be

A positive thing you can do is set healthy boundaries. Healthy relationships are based on mutual respect and caring. Narcissists aren't capable of true reciprocity in their relationships. Reason for boundaries is because narcissists regularly violate the boundaries of others. They do this with an absolute sense of entitlement. They think nothing of going through or borrowing your possessions without asking, snooping through your mail and personal correspondence, eavesdropping on conversations, barging in without an invitation, stealing your ideas and giving you unwanted opinions and advice. They may even tell you what to think and feel. It's important to recognize these violations for what they are, so you can begin to create healthier boundaries where your needs are respected so thing don't get out of hand. Steps to follow are:

Make a plan- if you have a long-standing pattern of letting others violate your boundaries, it's not easy to take back control. Set yourself up for success by carefully considering your goals and the potential obstacles. By asking yourself these questions you will be able to develop a realistic plan: What are the most important changes you hope to achieve? Is there anything you've tried in the past with the narcissist that worked? Anything that hasn't? What is the balance of power between you and how will that impact your plan? How will you enforce your new boundaries? Whether new or already established boundaries, you want to make sure the narcissist is clear on what is going on

Consider a gentle approach- if preserving your relationship with the narcissist is important to you, you will have to treat softly. By point out their hurtful or dysfunctional behavior, you are damaging their self-image of perfection. Try to deliver your message calmly, respectfully and as gentle as possible. Focus on how their behavior makes you feel, rather than on their motivations and intentions. If they respond with anger and defensiveness try to remain calm. Walk away if need be and revisit the conversation later. Remember you can't change them; they have to be willing to do it on their own

Don't set a boundary unless your willing to keep it- you can count on the narcissist to rebel against new boundaries and test your limits, so be prepared. Follow up with consequences. If you back down, you're sending the message that you don't need to be taken seriously (leading to dangerous reactions from the narcissist and no respect from them)

Be prepared for other changes in the relationship- the narcissist will feel threatened and upset by your attempts to take control of your life. They are used to calling the shots. In order to compensate, they may step up their demands in other aspects of the relationship, distant themselves to punish you, or attempt to manipulate or charm you into giving up the new boundaries. It's up to you to stand firm. Don't let your guard down

It won't be easy but once you begin don't turn back. Stick you ground and show them you should be treated with respect just like everyone else. You are human just like them and no one should have to deal with being treated badly by anyone.

Most importantly, don't take things personally. It isn't your fault and here are a few steps to remind yourself of that:

Remember that in order to protect themselves from feeling of inferiority and shame, they must always deny their shortcomings, cruelties and mistakes

Will project their own faults on to others

We know it is very upsetting to get blamed for something that's not your fault or be characterized with negative traits you don't posses, however, don't let that get to you. You know what is true and false

Don't buy into the narcissist's version of who you are. They don't live in reality and that includes their views of you and other people

Don't let their shame and blame game undermine you self-esteem. Stay strong

Refuse to accept underserved responsibility, blame or criticism. Know where you went wrong but don't take responsibility for their actions as well

Let them be the ones to deal with the negativity, it is theirs to carry and bare

Don't argue with them. Our natural instinct is to defend ourselves and prove the other person wrong, however, this is a lose-lose situation and isn't worth the fight. Just simply tell them you disagree with their assessment and move on

Know yourself- the best defense against the insults and projections of the narcissist is a strong sense of self. Don't let them allow you to forget who you are, continue being you. By knowing your own strengths and weaknesses, it's easier to reject any unfair criticisms leveled against you. Overall, no one knows you better than you.

Let go of the need for approval. It's important to detach from the narcissist's opinion and any desire to please or appease them at the expense of yourself

Finally, you need to be okay with knowing the truth about yourself, even if the narcissist sees the situation differently

It isn't easy when you realize you are dating a narcissist. I'm not one to spread my personal experiences online, however, now a days I feel like others should know that they aren't alone in what they are going through. I experienced a narcissist. I survived. It is possible to recover. No, it isn't right away, it will take days, months and eve years. I'm still building myself back up from a relationship I left over six years ago. I've been dragged down to my lowest that I even dated others as rebounds. I felt like I needed to be with someone instead of working on myself. However, at the end of it all I needed to just be by myself and to work on myself. The best advice that can be given to anyone in this situation is to work on yourself once you get out of it. Don't rush into anything. Seek support. This life is short, it could end tomorrow or within hours throughout the day. Remember to take care of you and know that you aren't alone.