Crush #1

I wish we had more time.

I never seem to get enough of you and you seem to only want samples.

Our timing is always off.

I have liked you since 5th grade summer prep school.

And I like to believe you have liked me in return.

I recall our friendship like that of the little boy who doesn't know how to express his feelings for a girl so he picks on her.

I was the boy and you where the girl who I had feelings for and picked on.

I seek you out, occasionally. Mostly out of curiosity.

Is he still alive?

What is he up to?

What is new with him?

What would it feel like? To kiss him, to hold him, to lay by him as we fall asleep, to argue and make up, to have minis of him and minis of me, to raise little ones together...

Would we last? Or would our sporadic friendship be forever changed, broken beyond repair?

I grew bold this year.

I let you know exactly what I wanted. To demonstrate independence and truth of what I wanted I even bought us tickets to pop your concert cherry at your favorite artist's show.

Hoping, afterwards you would pop my celibacy vow.

Maybe, I was not to your liking.

Maybe, I was to your liking too much and am too unknown.

Maybe, I was too much to your liking and peeking in my head frightened you.

Maybe, you just prefer your on/off girlfriend.

Maybe our timing is always off.

I understand why. I am not upset. As discussed and promised, no broken hearts in store aisle 14. No clean up required.

There is something I have noticed about myself. I can see affection being turned elsewhere. And I like you more for being quick and upfront once your affections had been secured by your on/off girl again. I like you more for displaying affections for one girl at a time. (If what you have told me and shown me is true).

I want to unravel your mysteries. I know you know I want to know. This question will burn behind my eyes, scald my tongue and churn on my mind whenever I see you, every time I think of you. I will not ask it. Like I said, save it for the one you love; not for a mutual lust, shared chemistry relationship.

"What chemistry?" You said. "I am neutral."

You may as well had slapped me.

The non-stop day and night texting equal to cotton looking like snow in a deceitfully sunny and chilly spring breeze.

All those late night, early morning sexy texts just a stale unsavory plot to see how far you could get.

All good feelings lost.

Full stop.

It was good that you told me, "I am no good for you."

You were not kidding. Wish I had listened. Listening is not my fortè. A part of me wishes we had listened. A part of me is satisfied with the answers you gave me. A part me wants to keep playing with fire, all consequences be damned; we have a high pain tolerance and can handle the flames.

Choosing to not be petty, I gifted you both tickets meant for you and I. Slightly addicted to the artist now I, of course, bought my own.

Mayhaps, we will see each other there. A part of me wants trouble, a part of me wants to watch you from afar and a part of me wants you to see what you are going to miss out on.

I keep thinking it's sooner. It's 46 days away not 14.

Be it a conclusion or be it progress, I can't wait for this development.

Only time will tell.