Conflicted...

Now that the holidays are over, I have a bit of a little story to tell you but first, go read "Me, Ellen, and The Girl I Wish I Never Liked" and "The Internal War" back to back. Go ahead, I'll wait...

Did you read them? I hope you did because you'll probably be lost in this story because this is the last time I'm talking about this. Fuck it, I'll assume you read the stories before continuing with this one.

Alright, so peep game... I went back home for the holidays and I had to do something that I knew I wasn't going to like but it was time to do it. I went to go see Sofia one more time but I didn't go to see her, specifically, per se. I went to go see my friend, Evan (formerly Ellen) because he's transgender and he's in the middle of transitioning so I wanted to see how he's been doing since I haven't seen him since before I moved. I knew I was going to have to see Sofia too so I did what I normally do and held everything I felt about her inside for the sake of Evan.

Once I get there, Evan's voice had changed a lot since I last saw him. Then, I see Sofia and we're instantly cuddling with each other and all that but while that was going on, I noticed that I was feeling empty with her but I still feel something with Evan because Evan is my friend and back when he was Ellen, he's been through a lot and I know he's going to go through a lot more stuff. So of course, I'll still be there for him whenever he needs me but with Sofia, I felt none of that and at first, I was wondering why until about an hour or so later, we brought up that Sofia had feelings for me and I told her that I'm still surprised that she did but I threw a little bit of shade at her for doing what she did to me, she ended up saying something along the lines of "Don't hate the player, hate the game".

That was when everything had clicked and the first thing that popped in my head was "Man, I have to get this chick the fuck out of my life" so it was all making sense why I was feeling empty with her because I have ABSOLUTELY nothing for her and I mean, nothing, nothing, NOTHING. She won't address or apologize for what she did and she still wants to act like nothing between us had happened so I'm just going to move on and erase her from my life.

Then, I left Evan's and the next day, I woke up and I felt like I'm stuck between two worlds. A week later, I went home. Now, it feels weird that I'm stuck between two worlds because for me, it's like two doors are open now but there's always been one door open and that door that's always been open, it's been open for almost 5 years of my life and I never walked through it so everything from that door has been getting thrown at me, that way, I can walk through the door. That door is my loneliness and everything wanting to envelop me but now the other door is open which is a chance at real love and all that.

The thing that has me conflicted is that I'm so used to being paranoid about my feelings and opening up about them that I made so many shields to deflect things, I also made a lot of armor for me to wear when I do go out because I don't want people to get close to me because I know they wouldn't like who I am and who I became but at the same time, I have this other door open where I can get real, genuine, romantic love and happiness and all that. All of the guarding and hiding that I've done for almost 5 years has never bothered me but now that I do want love, I don't know how to go about my feelings when I do have feelings for someone. It feels like I forgot how to do that and if I'm being honest with myself... I'm scared. I'm terrified.