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China Admits Defeat in Secret War with America

by Everyday Junglist 4 months ago in satire
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Plan to Use American Consumerism Against Itself Backfired When Chinese Production Failed to Keep Up with Demand

The flag of the defeated nation. Image courtesy of Pixabay.

China admitted defeat today in its 20 plus year secret war with America when it revealed that its ability to produce cheap goods and services could not keep up with seemingly unquenchable American demand for low priced tchotchke's and poor quality knick-knacks. The plan to flood the streets of America with ultra cheap consumer goods was said to be modeled on the CIAs much rumored but never confirmed plan to flood the streets of the inner city with crack cocaine in the 1980s in order to suppress a rising black populace that threatened the existing white power structure. Much like the CIA's beliefs about black youths and crack cocaine, the Chinese believed that American's would quickly become addicted to cheap crap. For both the CIA and the Chinese, the first part of the plan was a smashing success, but after those initial successes, the effectiveness of each plan began to diverge. While crack addicted black youths in the urban ghettos began to commit violent crime, drop out of school, and were sent to prison in record numbers exactly as the CIA had predicted, Americans were seemingly unfazed by their addiction to low priced knock off goods with humorously translated marketing and instructional content. While American consumer debt did balloon no collapse materialized and it was the Chinese that instead found themselves in an unsustainable position, unable to meet the continuing and growing American demand. Chinese economic Vice Mininster Wjen Zhanbo, said to be the brains behind the secret war said the following during his televised speech admitting the Chinese had been defeated. "While our secret war plan was brilliantly conceived and flawlessly executed we overlooked what now seems to be glaringly obvious, American's thirst for really shitty and poorly made crap is endless. Even the awesome power of the magnificent manufacturing machine that is Chinese industry was no match for American's lust for useless household goods and toys that break after thirty seconds of use. Ah well, hindsight is 20/20 they say."


And now brought to you by's still ludicrous and bizarre 600 word count minimum policy, yet another sub 600 word bonus story content filler article.

Club Drug User Bemoans Abundance of Street Drug Users at Area Rave

Cites Fear for Personal Safety as Main Concern

Just say no kids. Image by Steve Buissinne from Pixabay

Moments before slipping into a deep and blissful 4 hour k-hole, the result of his recent consumption of a large quantity of the club drug ketamine, still agitated but rapidly chilling local club drug user Ted Stephens complained loudly about the abundance of street drug users crowding the scene at an area rave yesterday. “These damn druggies are everywhere. It’s getting so a guy can’t walk five feet without bumping into some wild eyed meth head trying to talk your ear off about some dumb shit that makes no sense.” he said, his eyelids slowly closing as he spoke. “I mean I like coke as much as the next guy, but crack is whack bro, and the less said about dope (heroin) the better.” said Mr. Stephens, the last word coming out badly slurred before he fell to the ground with a look of profound transcendence, and copious amounts of drool, on his face.


And yet one more sub 600 word count filler article. Another classic from deep in the vaults.

Residents of St. Paul, Minnesota Unhappy to Learn They Used as Consolation for friend Complaining About Trip to Omaha, Nebraska

The close to 300,000 residents of St. Paul, Minnesota were shocked and saddened to learn they were recently used as an example to console a friend complaining about an upcoming trip to Omaha, Nebraska. The conversation between longtime friends was focused on an entirely unrelated topic when small talk about recent travel unexpectedly changed to a serious discussion of upcoming business trips. “I have to go to Omaha for a week in May” said one in a tone of sadness and regret. The other responded by noting “I’m going to St. Paul next week for a conference.”

Following a brief pause during which friend 1 did a quick google search to confirm that the location of St. Paul was indeed Minnesota as she believed and not some other more interesting state she replied. “Well that makes me feel better about my Omaha thing.” Although he personally was not at all taken aback, offended, or bothered in any way by the comment friend 2 did wonder briefly if the residents of St. Paul might be.

As it turns out, indeed they were.


About the author

Everyday Junglist

Practicing mage of the natural sciences (Ph.D. micro/molecular biology), Thought middle manager, Everyday Junglist, Selecta (Ret.), Boulderer, Cat lover, No tie shoelace user, Humorist, Argan oil aficionado.

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