Changing Everything Part 1: He Left Me for the D
Letting Go of All the Unnecessary Bullshit
Sometimes, we want things out of people that they just can't give. This can take many forms. Time. Money. Affection. Respect. We end up feeling incredibly hurt by their lack of ability to meet our standards. Now, sometimes those standards are really high and just flat out fucking ridiculous. You can't expect someone to do everything, or anything, for you and you give nothing back. This is not the way the world works. Even a gold-digger has to give up the vagina. Nothing is free. This includes friendship. Everyone comes with a price. While that price may not be monetary, it still exists. For most people, this price is some characteristic we find annoying or offensive. But, in order to maintain these friendships, we put up with their bullshit. The real question is, at what point is the price too high?
Recent life events have caused me to take a long hard look at my life and pretty much everything and everyone in it. My fiancé left me to go fuck dudes. I honestly don't know how to put a lighter spin on it. That's what it is. He discovered (apparently years ago) that he exclusively wants The D. Well, alright then.
We tried to continue living together. Go ahead and laugh. It was fucking stupid. The idea was that we would each have time to get our independent financial shit together before having to get our places, each big enough for our son to have a room. That lasted two months. That asshole literally moved out on Mother's Day. Happy Mother's Day, you're a single parent now. Yay! Dick.
The reason he moved out? He sat me down one day while our son was sleeping and told me he was unhappy with how our arrangement was going. I said I was too. We both agreed that some things needed to be worked on in order to make the situation work out. He told me I needed to stop being a bitch. I said he needed to help clean and he needed to watch his son for three hours a day so I could work. He responded in glorious douchebag-asshole-deadbeat-shithead fashion, “I guess I should just move out, then.” Fuck you, guy. Get the fuck out, then.
So, there I was, stuck in a house I couldn't afford to live in with a dog, a cat, a toddler, and a brand new business I just started. I cried, talked shit, broke a couple dining room chairs, and then told myself to suck it up and quit being a weak little bitch. Here is the harsh reality: we live in a world that does not give a shit. This struggle I am going through is no different than what thousands of other woman are experiencing. The only option is to figure out how to move forward. How the fuck do I do that?
I started with an inventory of the things and people in my life. What I discovered was a staggering amount of clutter. Anyone that knows me knows that clutter gives me anxiety. Time for some spring cleaning! In order to properly assess the junk in my life, I had to first assess my values. What was the most important to me? Anything that didn't align with those values had to go, and that included people (but the pets and my son were immune to this reaping, obviously).
I started by listing all my excess stuff on the Facebook Marketplace. After that I had to look deeper, down to the darkest corners of my soul. I feel this would be a good time to explain that my son's father leaving changed my perspective on everything. It was more than that, it was the presence of my son. For him, I must stand alone.
Above all else, I value my son, and by extension his future. The key to that future is my business, a nifty little entertainment website. I make that work and I've got us covered. After that comes respect. This is where things started to get muddy. I had people in my life that made me feel like shit on a regular basis. Honestly, everyone in my life made me feel like shit on a regular basis. I was not okay with this.
I ended up cutting ties with some people I never thought I would turn my back on, and some I should have turned my back on a long time ago. One person in particular was just collateral damage. I'm sure someone out there is reading this and thinking to themselves that I must really be a bitch. The answer is yes. You are correct.
You see, for years I religiously answered middle-of-the-night phone calls, gave rides, gave money, gave time, gave support. Then the time came that I needed some support, and literally one person in my life showed up. One. And even she is walking a thin fucking line with me right now. At first, I was angry. Furious. How fucking dare they? After everything I have done. Insert huffy face.
Then it occurred to me that the problem was me. I was expecting more out of these people than they could give. This was their price. It ended up coming down to the fact that I don't have the time nor the patience for superficial relationships of any kind. I decided where I needed my boundaries to be and I set them. Within four days, I lost nearly everyone. And it feels fucking fantastic. I am over so much bullshit now. I've started a new journey. One that I will continue to share with you.
I would be lying if I said this process wasn't excruciating. It has hurt like hell. I had been waiting on some people to change my whole damn life. I want to make it clear that I accept these people as they. What I don't accept is the time or dignity they are costing me. That is entirely on me. It was my decision and I take full responsibility.
I don't know anything more about life than anybody else. I just want to share what I have learned and what I am learning in the process of figuring it all out. Maybe it will inspire someone, even if that person is inspired to do the exact opposite of what I've done. We are all in this thing called life together. We need to make each other stronger. Respect each other. Respect people's time and needs and boundaries. Or get cut the fuck out.